Because of President Obama's recent historical remarks about marriage equality, the media has been focusing a lot of attention on whether or not LGBTs should have the right to marry. The chattering class and pundits, many who have good intentions, often bring up the most obvious cases of discrimination. However, what is not often discussed are the more subtle ways that homophobia affects the lives of LGBTs, the choices we make, our careers and our whole way of life. Even if we do get the right to marry, homophobia (like racism 50 years after the civil rights act was signed) will continue to affect us all, and I'm interested in hearing about how it has affected the lives of people here in the KOS community.
The most succinct definition of homophobia I've ever read was posted a while ago in a comment section of an Internet message board "The fear of being perceived as being a homosexual. (My apologies to whoever said this first. I can't remember where I read it or who said it)" Many people incorrectly believe that homophobia is a fear of gay people. I've often heard right wingers say things like "I don't approve of gay people. I'm not afraid of them." If they actually understood what homophobia meant, they would realize that whether or not they are afraid of us is immaterial.
If we assume this definition is accurate, then both heterosexuals and LGBTs can both be the victims of homophobia, and/or can be homophobic themselves. How can an LGBT be homophobic? I have a friend who demonstrates exactly how this can be accomplished every time I see him. He's a gay man in his 50's, and votes GOP. He says that even though he is only sexually attracted to men, he does not identify with being "gay" and sees this as a political movement. He doesn't like to associate with people who act "too gay" who might embarrass him in public. He prefers to hang out with people who are "straight acting." He wont sit next to his male friends at a movie theater for fear of being perceived as gay, and he makes up a lame excuse like "I like to spread out and be comfortable." However, he always sits right next to me (a woman) in the movie theater so he can share my popcorn. It's funny how he doesn't feel the need to "spread out" when I'm there. When I have breakfast for him, he whispers the word "gay" whenever it comes up, even if the word comes up in a discussion that has nothing to do with him personally (for example, in a discussion about something political or telling an anecdote).
I've ranted about this "friend" in open threads here before. I can understand that someone might be afraid to be perceived as gay in a semi-conservative town, and am somewhat sympathetic to that. However, his internalized homophobia affects his world view in ways that I find distasteful, and for that reason, I'm in the process of deciding if I want to continue the friendship. He is very critical of the gay community as a whole. He mocks people who refer to their same sex spouse as "their husband' or "their wife." He feels no responsibility to make things easier for the younger generation, which is sad because he is a teacher. He makes no effort to help students who are bullied, because he doesn't want to draw attention to himself. He constantly comes up with ways to tell himself "I'm not like them, I just like to sleep with men." The various ways he uses to mentally separate himself from "those gays" are beyond absurd. His homophobia has warped the entire definition of what the word "gay" or "homosexual" even means! I've been empathetic towards his plight, since I realize how difficult society makes it for us LGBTs as a whole, but at some point, we have to realize right from wrong and have the courage to accept who we are.
Conversely, I'm sure there are many cases where heterosexual men, women, boys and girls have been the victims of society's homophobia. I had a straight male friend in college who was perceived to be gay, because of his mannerisms. Luckily, he didn't care what people thought, and didn't go out of his way to try and prove something. I'm sure a more insecure person could have become afraid of people's perceptions and become vocally anti-gay and perhaps even turned into a bully.
Homophobia can affect people's lives in more subtle ways: The straight male who wont admit he likes musicals, the gay woman who is afraid to go into a career that is perceived as a "man's job," the life partner that tells the hospital worker that the woman in ER is her "sister" so she can visit her as family, being reclusive around the neighbors and keeping them at arm's length, speaking in gender neutral pronouns when discussing one's life, not putting a picture of one's partner on the desk at work, etc. etc. Homophobia's oppression is soul- crushing and it affects all areas of one's life.
I've been doing some thinking about how it has affected my life. When I was younger, it made me more of a wallflower, afraid to speak up for myself, afraid to be too assertive in many instances. I let people take advantage of me in the workplace, in community events, and in most areas of my life. I had allowed myself to become a doormat just so I wouldn't call attention to myself, and so I wouldn't give them a reason to question my sexual orientation. Thankfully, I don't react to the world that way today. But I wasted a lot of years in my life hiding my real self, even though I supposedly accepted who I was and believed I was "out," in my mind.
I'm interested in hearing what experiences other people have had with homophobia. Maybe you've experienced it yourself, or have been the victim of it from others, in blatant or more subtle ways. I find it very empowering to share my experiences about this, and would appreciate hearing from others. If we can continue to expand our understanding of the precise affects of homophobia on society, we can make small steps to eradicate it.