Welcome to Awards Edition Plus, your one-stop snark shop. As Bill in Portland Maine is taking a day off to clear brush down on his ranch in Texas...oh, wait. OK. Take two:
Welcome to Awards Edition Plus, your one-stop snark shop. As Bill in Portland Maine is taking the day off to go to the race track, we'll be filling in for Cheers and Jeers this morning. Join us below the fold for the AEP Editorial by Managing Editor Lenin Cat, the News of Dubious Veracity Department, a new segment we call Adventures in Media Department, Letters to the Editor and of course, the one, the only, Golden Douchenozzle Award™.
Join us over the fold for today's romp in the cesspool of snark...
By Lenin Cat
Bipartisanship seems to become the national fetish the moment an opposition party feels backed into a corner and responds by throwing a spanner into the works of government. At least that's how it's supposed to work. Recently, in the House of Representatives, we've seen another phenomenon: the majority party has been the one to throw the proverbial monkey wrench into the works of government with only one goal: obstructionism to make the President look bad, up to, and including, a threat by crybaby superstar John Boehner to initiate another showdown on the debt ceiling up to, and including, default.
"We need bipartisan solutions!" cry the pundits. "We'd like to work with them, but they are totally intransigent!" cry the Democrats. "Republicans are real d*ckwads!" cries Vice President Biden. "We'll show the Democrats that bipartisanship means they have to move to the right and meet Republicans on our home turf, meeting us somewhere right of Franco but just a little to the left of Pinochet" cries Paul Ryan, R-Fitzwalkerstan. "Bipartisan" solutions--as we all know--can occasionally create something useful (like McCain-Feingold, which it took the SCOTUS their wet dream of a case Citizens United to finally get rid of) but often creates something icky no one likes that doesn't really do what it is supposed to do but helps the sponsors' re-election campaigns by making them look like they actually did some work. Why is it so hard for both parties in Congress to find compromise solutions to pressing problems?
Democrats--at least lately--have been more than willing to give up many of their core principles in order to compromise with the Republican majority in the House. Republicans, on the other hand, got so used to being the minority party, the "loyal opposition" for so many decades, every time they dominate the House (and to a lesser degree, when they've had the Senate) they not only continue to behave like the opposition party, they double-down on those kinds of tactics. They become obstructionists of legislation, impeachers of Presidents, and all around asshats. I think I know why, too. It's Deuteronomy 22:10.
The Old Testament (if you're Christian) book of Deuteronomy prohibits lots of stuff. The only thing in there most GOP Christians are concerned with is anything having to do with sex or subjugating women--stuff good Fundies love to discuss over expensive lobster dinners while wearing poly-cotton blend shirts. But there's something else. In chapter 22, verse 10, it is prohibited to plow with an ox and an ass yoked together. That, comrades, is why bipartisanship never seems to work in Congress. Republicans, being overwhelmingly ueber-Christian and all, just cannot abide the idea of being yolked up next to a donkey and having to do, you know, hard work like plowing. Unless it's someone else's wife, of course, that they are plowing. See? the Bible prohibits bipartisanship! It's as simple as that.
So next time you hear screams of "We need bipartisanship!" just remember: it cannot be done. It's against the GOP's religion.
News of Dubious Veracity Department
Romney Campaign: "Mitt is a Job Creator"Adventures in Media Department
Washington, DC. Responding to accusations that Romney's tenure at Bain Capital destroyed more jobs than it created, the Romney campaign has released a new ad highlighting his work as a job creator. Featuring several undocumented landscapers, three nannies from the Ukraine, and his personal Cuban chef, the ad tells the story of the many jobs he has created over the years for low-wage, undocumented workers as well as an endorsement from the SPCA for the many jobs he created for animal control and safety inspectors over the years...
Deconstructing Meet the Press:
David Gregory: There's a lot of talk about about how weak the President is going into the Summer election season. Even though he is ahead in many polls or in a statistical dead heat, he's weak because we want Romney to win, so we've got to keep repeating that meme.Letter to the Editor
Democratic Strategist: That's right, Dick, if the President were well ahead in the polls there would be no reason for any of our jobs. It wouldn't make good Sunday morning TV.
Republican Strategist: I agree. We all hate Mitt, but we hate Obama more, but it's safe to hide behind horse-race reporting and milquetoast analysis.
David Gregory: Yes, both sides do it. Let's look at a couple of ads...
Republican Strategist: See, both sides produce ads.
Democratic Strategist: Yes, they sure do.
David Gregory: Up next, we talk to another Democrat and two Republicans about the fact that there is going to be an election in November...
Dear Awards Edition Plus,AEP responds:
Why is your material so totally unfunny? I mean, you have to like read the news and stuff in order to get any of your jokes. Why can't you tell fart jokes or hillbilly jokes?
I understand your frustration, but unfortunately Bill in Portland Maine has a monopoly on the fart jokes on Daily Kos. But if it's any consolation, I can give you a hillbilly joke:
Q. How many hillbillies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, silly, hillbillies don't have electricity.
Hope that helps. Sincerely, Lenin Cat.
The Golden Douchenozzle Award
The GDN is awarded periodically for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery. Out of a number of worthy runners-up this week, today's award goes to:
The Collective Media
We all know they've been lazy for quite some time now. However, I just love what they are doing over the strategy which brings Rev. Wright back into to campaign narrative. I heard several esteemed members of the media, hosts and pundits alike, call it everything from "so 2008" to "out of bounds" and then talk about it for 20 minutes. That's both hypocrisy AND asshattery, right there. Way to go, douchenozzles.
Thank you for joining us for Awards Edition Plus. What are you cheering and jeering about? Let us know! The kiddie pool is now open.