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Another day, another litany of annoyances, gaffes, missteps, resentments, and regrets for the Dark Lord of Bain.

What part of "inevitable" do people not get? This wasn't supposed to be a long, tough slog through the campaign hinterlands! It was supposed to be a red-carpet walk to the coronation! Instead, our beleaguered candidate must deal with the travails of Ordinary People: having to criss-cross the country giving speeches, eating food of unknown origin, dealing with relentless journalists nipping at his heels, and seething in barely-suppressed rage as his epic achievements are cast in the worst possible light by witless Democratic campaign hacks.

Your intrepid diarist, recognizing that you don't have the time to follow all of these unseemly developments, has once again condensed them into a handy poetical sound-bit format for your edification and entertainment. As always, feel free to add your own contributions in the comments. It takes a village to keep up with this sh*t.

A, Arizona, where ballot fights loom
We can’ fit “Obama”; there’s simply no room

B, billionaires who donate to my PAC
They got rich giving thousands of workers the sack

C is for Cheney, equipped with new heart
He’s out raising money for me; that’s a start

D for the debt clock I drag to each stage
To show that you’re doomed and to help you engage

E for events on the long campaign trail
Must I really participate? Can’t I just bail?

F for free enterprise! When I say “free”
It means that the money flows freely to me.

G is for Gingrich, who won’t fade away
“Watch out for Ron Paul”; that’s all he has to say

H is for hate speech that I must eschew
But you dog-whistle people can hear it, can’t you ;-)

I is for Iowa, with my new speech
Prairie fires of debt: that’s the message I preach

J is for Jindal; he’s Grover’s top choice
But wait: I’m in charge! Why don’t I get a voice?

K for the Kremlin, to whom we won’t bow
Like Obama, who loves to placate and kow-tow

L for the Liberals; Washington’s scourge
When I come to town, all those folks we will purge

M is for mortgages, cruel and unfair
You’ve been tricked into living the Mortgage Nightmare!

N for net worth; Mitt’s is greater than most
But it still won’t mean much to poor George Romney’s ghost

O for Obamacare, modeled on Mass
But in hindsight my program was senseless and crass

P for the playbook that guides my campaign
There’s just one steadfast rule: you cannot mention Bain

Q for the questions the journalists pose
If I had my way, they’d be punched in the nose!

R for Ron Paul, who just will not endorse
I’ve screamed and I’ve pleaded until I was hoarse

S for Salt Lake, where Olympics I saved
With the federal bailout I doggedly craved

T is for Tampa: will riots break out
When the Paulites take over and holler and shout?

U, universities, where they seek truth
Like the fact I can’t win without votes from our youth

V for the voters; those quaint little folks
That I must entertain with sound bites and lame jokes

W is for “W”, a double-edged sword
For if I am not careful, I’ll surely be gored

X for the “X” I will sign on Day One
So that evil Obamacare will be undone

Y for the years I’ve put into this race
It’s my turn! All this waiting is such a disgrace

Z, zero taxes, my goal for the rich
But the rest of you? No, being poor is a bitch.

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Tue May 22, 2012 at 09:58 AM PDT.

Also republished by Indigo Kalliope, DKOMA, Mitt Romney Bain Chronicles, and Community Spotlight.

Poll

What's next on the list of campaign problems?

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| 70 votes | Vote | Results

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