Hello, writers. Writers like words, and so it’s not surprising that we tend to use way too many of them.
Excessive verbosity obscures meaning. This is particularly a problem in action scenes, or any scene you’re trying to milk for maximum tension. Consider the following:
Ray walked along the dark path between two high privet hedges—they reminded him of the hedges on the flagstone walk up to his grandmother’s house. When he was a boy he used to have to go there after his piano lesson, and play his latest piece for his grandmother. She would watch so closely that he always ended up making mistakes. Then she would sneer. The shadows on the path were dark, but then the moon came out from behind a cloud and gleamed on something metal. A gun was sticking out from among the green leaves, and it was pointing at Ray. His heart gave a lurch. He felt terrified. The same way he used to feel at those piano recitals at St. Botolph’s Church.
The main problems here are:
1. The most important word in this paragraph is “gun”. But it’s much smaller than the words that obscure it. Many people’s reading styles (certainly mine) would cause them to miss the gun altogether.
2. The reader is constantly taken out of the tension of the moment by flashback and description. The grandmother, for example, takes up half the paragraph and she’s not even there. (This would be okay elsewhere, but not when you’re trying to create tension.)
A passage aimed at creating tension and showing danger really only has time for two things:
1. A threat.
2. The character’s reaction to the threat.
You’re best off going minimalist:
Ray started down a dark path between two high hedges. Moonlight gleamed on something metal-- a gun, pointed at him. He froze.
(Some editors would ask at this juncture, “How did he feel?” Editors ask this a lot, and it’s a valid question, but in this case I think we can trust the reader to guess.)
If you do use description, it should feed the tension, not detract from it:
Ray walked along the dark path between two high privet hedges—it reminded him of the path up to scary Mr. Wolf’s house. The kids used to dare each other to go up and knock on his door. Rumor had it that a kid had taken the dare once, and was never heard from again.
(Even there, though, you’d want it in a building-up scene. Once the fur starts flying, no flashbacks.)
Tonight’s challenge: Create tension. Write a scene in which a threat appears and a character reacts to the threat. Absolutely limit yourself to 100 words.
Here’s a choice of characters and threats, both physical and emotional:
1. Ray is walking down the path when someone points a gun at him.
2. Ray has gone to his estranged wife’s house to pick up a few things when she and her new flame walk in. (Ray can have an estranged husband if you prefer.)
3. Maria is walking down the street at 2 a.m. and someone is following her.
4. Maria, former CIA agent, is completely immobilized in a hospital bed and someone is climbing in the window.
5. A callow youth and his stout companion are slogging through the Eternal Swamp of Togwogmagog when they slowly realize they are being herded by the dread Togwoggan Transom Alligators.
(As an optional follow-up, once you’ve done this, rewrite it with distractions galore.)
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