Just before I woke up today, I had the most vivid dream. Now, I'm a lucid dreamer, so I stayed with this dream for a long time, allowing it to shift and controlling the shift as I usually do, but I remained centered on the main topic...... my father had died (In reality he died nearly 2 years ago).
Since he died last August, I never really mourned Pop. I never really cried. I don't know why. I just didn't.
But this morning, in my dream, he died. And all the people that I have loved throughout my youth and to the present, my closest cousins, my best friends, my enemies, everyone that I have loved and still love, they all came around to pay their respects to dad. In my dream I found myself in a shower room, naked, water turned on all around me. And I was crying. Crying so hard that my tears weren't running down my cheeks, but rather were actually jetting from my eyes in a steady stream like water from a hose. Uncontrolled by any muscle, unabated by any will. I just let them stream out........And as people came up to me to pat my back, give condolences, say their piece, the tears kept streaming. I received these visitors with joy and thankfulness, without shame....... In my naked, vunerable grief.
I think I have finally grieved my father. I still miss him terribly. I still feel that loneliness of his absence, but I believe that the grief just moments ago poured out of me in one, beautiful lucid dream.
I'm still your boy,