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Senate Republicans vote against women getting equal pay because, you know, founding fathers and liberty and what not.

Republicans offer to change their vote on the Paycheck Fairness Act for women, if Christina Hendricks from Mad Men sleeps with them.

I read the 374 words and phrases the government monitors for terrorists on social sites and I was surprised “I love you” wasn’t on there.

How hammered do you think Mitt Romney would have to be to even consider putting a topping on a cup of plain frozen yogurt?

Al Qaeda has more "leaders" than American Idol has contestants. And they're better singers.

Coconut is the most divisive of all the flavors. It's like the George Bush of flavors. You either love it or you go out and protest it.

I'm coming to NYC in a couple of weeks. Can anyone recommend a good LSD dealer there? (LSD = Large Sugary Drinks)

It's a bit sobering to consider how quickly civilization would collapse if nobody bothered to paint lines on the highways.

I hope someday we celebrate the births of Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, and Albert Einstein instead of some fictional character.

I can't believe there was a time in my life when I cared what people thought of me.

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