Fresh off his shocking 7-point recall election victory, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker added another major achievement to his resume today by declaring that he had won the Boston Marathon in a world record time: 5 minutes flat. Race officials were "stunned" and "embarrassed" to hear of their failure to see Walker during the race, and hastened to correct official records once Walker confirmed that he was sure he had competed and won. "A lot of people thought I couldn't do it," said Walker, announcing his victory. "A lot of people thought I wasn't even there. And some will say my achievement defies the laws of physics. Well, I'm here to tell you, those people are Communists."
The marathon community was thrown into an intense bout of soul-searching by the revelation, with other runners in the Boston race bemoaning the shortcomings of their own performances as well as their memories in not remembering him being part of the race. "How could I have not seen a guy running that fast?" wondered two-time marathon winner Joe Wilkins. "Or maybe I did see him, but - and I hate to think this about myself - but maybe I was jealous, and just didn't want to acknowledge someone else could win that big. The thought that I could be so petty made me feel bad, so I made an effort to call Walker to congratulate him on winning the marathon. And five minutes, wow! This guy's a hero!"
Race officials, meanwhile, have been thrown for a loop trying to find the failure in their camera equipment that caused it not to record Walker at any time during the race. "People put too much stock in photographs and videos," said videographer Tim Salton, who had recorded the event. "Cameras, like exit polls, are not intended to determine the outcome of races, just to help us understand the context in which they occur. They can only show us what they're pointed at, so they often miss things. In this case, they missed a world-beating performance, and I'm personally ashamed for my profession because of it. We should work harder to ensure that the things we record don't end up contradicting what Scott Walker says he did."
Archivists for the race's visual media have been working tirelessly to correct videos and photos to reflect the new information, inserting computer-generated projections of a flaming supersonic blur as Walker would have looked in the midst of his run. "We have consulted a number of physicists to correct our information as accurately as possible," said Marcus Toobey, chief archivist for the marathon. "Some of them claimed the performance itself wasn't possible, but that would mean that...somehow, by some unimaginable mechanism...(gasp)...Scott Walker didn't do what he said he did. And obviously that can't be. The world would fall apart into hot, frothing chaos if we start thinking like that."
Walker supporters have often contended that cameras have a liberal bias, and now some are citing the inability to find video or photographic evidence of Walker's marathon victory as proof that such technologies and the people who operate them are partisan. "What more evidence do we need," asked Wisconsin Tea Party leader Tude Chodeman. "Governor Walker ran the Boston Marathon in five minutes, wiping the floor with all those skinny, rabbit-food-eating wimps, and even that heroic performance is somehow missed by the cameras and librul race officials. I just hope he can forgive them for their oversight."
But a few fringe voices are unconvinced of Walker's performance. Said tin-foil hatted conspiracy theorist Darren Bollinger, professor of physics and aeronautical engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "What? Of course not. He's just making shit up." Walker spokesman Richard Suckage retorted, "Oh boy, the kooky leftist fringe chimes in again. One day it's alien abductions, the next it's a CIA conspiracy to break up Phish, and now Scott Walker didn't run the Boston marathon in five minutes. I'm surprised Mr. Bollinger could even hear your question through the haze of hashish smoke and sitar music he undoubtedly wallows in."
In related news, Democratic Governor Will Steinman (D-New Oreginois) is being roundly condemned throughout the media and by Republican colleagues for having claimed to have had a 4.0 GPA in college when records indicate that for a full quarter his GPA had slipped to 3.96 due to an uncorrected delay in grade reporting. "We are looking into impeachment proceedings, if not federal indictment," said Republican spokesman Basil "Bas" Stard. "He should be ashamed of himself, lying through his rat-like Jew teeth just to inflate his performance. And on the same day we learn that Scott Walker's grades were actually much better than the college records said, it's a real contrast between libruls and conservatives."
Walker says he's also planning to win Olympic gold medals in all events in the upcoming London Olympics, including women's events. "I can't wait to inform the Olympic committee of my world-beating performance in these areas," said Walker. According to some reports, he is also looking at retroactively awarding himself victories in the Academic Decathlon, Indy 500, American Idol, and potentially inserting himself as the victor in various historical wars incorrectly believed to have occurred before his birth. "And I'm also in contact with Mitt Romney's campaign people, who have taken a great deal of interest in learning my methods. They're interested in winning big too."