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Do you live in an area infested with wingnuts?  Have you been repeatedly subject to having campaign signs stolen or destroyed, property vandalized, or other criminal actions by Republicans who can't handle living in a democracy?  Well, there is something you can do about it and have fun at the same time.

If you live in an area with a lot of wingnuts, very likely they've done these things in response to pretty tame expressions of liberal or even just moderate opinion.  That means the batshit in your area are not meeting their full potential of crazy - and they need your help to do so:

1.  Maximum provocation

Without compromising the integrity of your views, find ways to express them that wingnut lowlifes will find maximally enraging and offensive without necessarily offending anyone else.  The ideal would be images and statements that a normal person wouldn't find fault with, but which are calculated to be perceived by wingnuts as a direct and profound insult to everything they hold dear.  Upon seeing it, a right-wing person must clench their fists, grind their teeth, and have all the violence in their twisted little souls precipitate inside their echoing heads.  It must be such that they are virtually guaranteed to commit a criminal act to express their hatred of the message it contains, and of the person it represents.  Bait the trap, and wait for the diseased animals polluting your community to smell it and react on instinct.

In fact, if it doesn't seem like the relevant populations are seeing it, write a letter pretending to be an outraged conservative to various right-wing organizations and media sources in your neighborhood, city, region, and state drawing attention to it.  Make sure conservatives know about the "librul abomination" good and proper.

2.  Coil the spring.

Cameras are a liberal's best friend, and thankfully are very cheap and easy to operate these days.  Train a lot of them on your bait from hidden locations on your property and also inside your car (if you've experienced or anticipate intimidation on the road), and also pointed at the roads and sidewalks leading to and from the bait.  With an internet hookup and continuous power source, video can run continuously without needing to stop for recharge or download - or you could just periodically switch batteries and memory cards if that proves too troublesome.  Make sure they have a good resolution and can see well in low-light conditions.  If affordable, use multiple cameras for the same territory set on different focal lengths.

Make sure a telephone number is readily available for people who look into you to find, but not the one you use for your personal life and business - instead, it will be one dedicated to recording hateful or threatening phone calls, and perhaps (if you can do so legally) capable of tracing them past a blocked ID to more fundamental identifying characteristics.  Look into options for being alerted when your internet profiles or DMV records are searched, and from what sources.  Ensure that tons of false information will be available to them via social media, in such ways that their subsequent inquiries will follow a predictable pattern - and at every turn follow avenues you control.

3.  Periodically check the traps.

An act of vandalism or theft would be obvious, but it wouldn't be obvious if they're just driving by to scope out your place or take photographs to post online to whip up other wingnuts.  Periodically checking the cameras for people doing preliminary work like this could give you license plates and faces of people who later pull something, or at least of people actively engaged in wingnut propaganda.  

4.  When the trap is sprung.

Most likely the first time your traps are sprung would just be some asshole in the area looking around to make sure no one's watching and then vandalizing the poster / yard sign / bumper stickered car, etc.  If you don't immediately recognize them and know where they live, they probably drove there and you'll get a license plate, make, and model you can search Deep Web databases to get their name and address.  After carefully documenting the scene and backing up your video files, go to their house when you know they're home with a video camera in your car trained on the front door and an audio recorder in your pocket.  Stay outside so the video can see you, and inform them you're aware they vandalized your house and intend to make it a police matter, but don't tell them you have photographic and video evidence.

If they apologize and try to make amends on the spot, fine - they've got problems but they're not the giant steaming piece of shit their actions imply.  But if they deny it because they think it's just your word against theirs, give them an opportunity to lie to the police when you eventually contact them.  That could add additional charges to the list.  And, of course, maybe you'll get lucky and the guy would be such a belligerent asshole that he threatens you while you're recording the conversation, potentially turning a misdemeanor into a felony.  And if he actually does anything violent, you've got the video proving his total culpability, and not only will he go to jail, but he'll have to pay you significant restitution - which is the worst possible punishment to a Republican.    

3.  Be prepared for escalation.

People like this are intensely vindictive, and will want retribution.  Make sure they find ample opportunities at regular intervals, all the while grinding the earlier humiliation into their faces just by the fact of your presence - something they could not possibly argue in court represents a mitigating provocation.  And every single one of those opportunities is another trap.  Always stay on the clear, unambiguous side of legality in your own actions, and also strive to appear completely blameless in whatever follows regardless of the fact that you're seeking confrontation - because looking like a conflict junkie would give the offender mitigating circumstances for losing their temper.

Be prepared for the scope of the issue to expand to hostile police officers who agree with the offender, the guy's thuggish friends acting on his behalf, groundless countersuits, various other harassments, or any number of other contingencies - i.e., have institutional and legal traps in place that would cause any such moves to blow up in the other guy's face.  All the while, keep writing your fake letters to conservative groups and media publicizing what's going on so that more and more idiots enter the fray on the ground floor, volunteering their mug shots to your cameras as they vandalize property, their voices as they send threatening phone calls, and their IP addresses as they send threatening emails.  

At this point you're not even really a trapper so much as a farmer raising right-wing pigs for the criminal-justice slaughter, and you can just keep it up as long as your amusement and budget permit - the latter of which could be periodically reenergized by criminal court restitutions and civil court judgments.  These are just ideas, of course, so if they apply to you, the most important thing is to just have fun with it.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (8+ / 0-)

    If the other side is willing, bipartisanship. If not, oncology.

    by Troubadour on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:04:31 PM PDT

  •  Seems like a lot of work. (17+ / 0-)

    I set up a motion detector that turns the sprinklers on when activated.

    Most Republicans are against contraception because you can't get pregnant from anal sex. ---Chelsea Handler

    by hobie1616 on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:28:39 PM PDT

    •  Sprinklers don't put wingnuts in jail. (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      palantir, G2geek, Dirtandiron

      Or ding them for money in court.  Fun takes work.

      If the other side is willing, bipartisanship. If not, oncology.

      by Troubadour on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:35:08 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  how'bout tracking dust? (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Troubadour, Dirtandiron

        There are things you can sprinkle in your yard that will get on the shoes of a perp, and leave traces in their car and house, that prove they were on your property.  

        And/or puree of dog or cat poo, in the grass around yard signs.  This can be made by putting the poo into a bucket, adding water, and mixing with whatever garden implement you have, being sure to use rubber gloves and wear safety goggles in case the stuff splashes in the process.  Then pour it into the grass in the area around the yard signs and the area leading to them.   When done, wash your hands thoroughly, change your clothes, wash your hands again, and wash those clothes as a separate batch of laundry.  

        This provides an "invisible punishment" such that the perp will get it on his shoes, track it into his car, and into his house, and have no idea where the bad smell is coming from.  Works best if it's wet, but the nightly dew on the grass should be sufficient.  Pouring it over your yard signs, as long as it's not visible, will provide an added penalty: the perp who tries to remove your signs will get it on his hands, thereby on his steering wheel and possibly on his clothes.  If he doesn't wash his hands before he touches his face or eats anything, he can say Hello to Mr. Vomit for a few days.

        And yes, getting them to lie to the police is always good for some additional charges.  Even Republican cops get pissed off about idiots who lie to them.  

        "Minus two votes for the Democrat" equals "plus one vote for the Republican." Arithmetic doesn't care about your feelings.

        by G2geek on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:55:43 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  But then your front yard smells like shit. (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          G2geek, Margd

          If the other side is willing, bipartisanship. If not, oncology.

          by Troubadour on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 09:25:02 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  so? it's not a bug, it's a feature:-) (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Dirtandiron, PSzymeczek

            After all, the Rs who step in it can't say they weren't warned!

            And really, your whole yard doesn't stink, only the areas right around the signs.  But those areas hardly stink either, since they are out in the open air.  What stinks is when the poo is confined in an enclosed airspace, like a car that gets hot during the day, or a house.  

            This suggests another weapon in the war, that would have to be used "live."  That would be a paint gun that could squirt a stream of orange paint from a distance.  The goal would be to catch the perp in the act, and then squirt them and their car, to make them easy for the police to identify.  Any water-based paint will do, since it's non-toxic and can be washed off later.

            "Minus two votes for the Democrat" equals "plus one vote for the Republican." Arithmetic doesn't care about your feelings.

            by G2geek on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 11:30:00 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

    •  My motion detector (7+ / 0-)

      is hooked to a couple of 250 watt quartz halogen lights with a 270 degree light spread.  Lights up the yard like daylight for about 100 feet from the light.  The damn things are so bright you cannot even look directly at them.  

      The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand. - Sun Tzu

      by Otteray Scribe on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:35:50 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Great, just don't leave the live electric wires in (5+ / 0-)

        the same area where the water sprinklers kick in.  Unless maybe you're trying to get worms to come up from the ground for bait.

        When life gives you wingnuts, make wingnut butter!

        by antirove on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:46:53 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  under those circumstances, the ominous sound... (4+ / 0-)

        ... of the mechanism of a shotgun being operated ("ker-chunk!") is a very good way to get a baddie to put his hands up and stand perfectly still while the police are on their way.

        If you don't have one, you can record the audio from a friend who does, and have it hooked up to be played at appropriate volume when you open the window, safe behind the glare of those lights.  

        "Minus two votes for the Democrat" equals "plus one vote for the Republican." Arithmetic doesn't care about your feelings.

        by G2geek on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:47:23 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Hehehe! (4+ / 0-)

          Pay some dude with a deep, basso rumbling voice to record him saying "Put your hands up, motherfucker, before I blow your goddam nuts off!"

          If the other side is willing, bipartisanship. If not, oncology.

          by Troubadour on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:57:37 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

        •  There is no sound on earth (5+ / 0-)

          like the sound of a round being shucked into a 12-guage shotgun in the dark.  The Mossberg 500 has a kind of clatter that sounds absolutely sinister.  

          The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand. - Sun Tzu

          by Otteray Scribe on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 09:01:21 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Provided You Recognize the Sound. (5+ / 0-)

            Some years ago when there were the shootings at the Capitol building, most of the Americans present were said not to have understood what they were, due to media informed expectations that a .22 sounds like a pirate ship canon.

            We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy.... --ML King "Beyond Vietnam"

            by Gooserock on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 09:12:26 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

          •  Be sure to record that with 'reverb' and 'echo' (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Otteray Scribe, Dirtandiron

            features, maybe overlap several of those shucking sounds and prolong that drama a bit.

            I've heard this idea of sound of the shotgun idea as a powerful deterrent from all sorts of gun advocates for the last 3 decades.  I'm not outright denying it and I happen to have a Mossberg 500 for deer hunting and it's definitely got a convincing sound to it.  If you're in the woods and hear that sound, you're definitely going to be dropping while seeking to locate the direction of it and trying to assess what the operator's intentions are.  

            But the thing is, I'm thinking most guys who are familiar with firearms are also familiar with this very shotgun sound deterrent concept, and they probably won't 'freeze' more than a couple seconds before looking for more visual confirmations that they are facing an actual threat from a real shotgun with a convincing gun holder. Not a good idea to 'threaten' something you can't deliver, especially if it really pisses them off to be fooled on a life or death matter, and perhaps they really do have ready access to some guns of their own. Although, if someone breaks into my home, it's possible they'll be hearing that sound within a fairly short time.

            When life gives you wingnuts, make wingnut butter!

            by antirove on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 09:35:14 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  guns (3+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              PSzymeczek, antirove, Otteray Scribe
              Although, if someone breaks into my home, it's possible they'll be hearing that sound within a fairly short time.
              O O. You're one of those liberal thugs that that nice Mr. Limbaugh has been warning us about. SNARK

              Where are all the jobs, Boehner?

              by Dirtandiron on Sun Jun 10, 2012 at 07:03:32 AM PDT

              [ Parent ]

              •  Please don't let them know. We dangerous radicals (1+ / 0-)
                Recommended by:
                Otteray Scribe

                of the sleeper cell leftist variety are trying to keep a low profile, and evading Fox Security troops and their armies of informants for the last few decades has been challenging.  We're having to take really good sleep drugs to maintain our deep cover these days.  

                I've been trying to recruit new members for my sleeper cell, carefully.  Some fell so much asleep there's not going to be any waking of them in this decade.  I like to hang out at sleep disorder clinics to find older teen narcoleptic sufferers, college age ideally.  Then starts the years of training to learn to sleep through things that don't matter and to develop vigilant alertness for the emergence of true threats.  Learning to drive half asleep is different from learning to drive when half awake, and if you don't know the difference, you're probably half asleep.  Then it's on to the shooting range, practicing with multiple types of weapons, and taking surveys between sessions of types of targets selected.  If the range folks get suspicious, just ask "Alright, you tell me.  What's the best .45 caliber for concealed carry use today, and would you carry one of those Taurus Judge guns?" You should be able to leave in the wake of the ensuing arguments.  This is good because, if stressed some narcoleptic sufferers drop like flies.  Same thing can happen if having sex or exercising too hard, or listening to Rush.

                When life gives you wingnuts, make wingnut butter!

                by antirove on Sun Jun 10, 2012 at 11:35:00 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

        •  Add some barking dogs to that. Maybe toss in (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          G2geek, Troubadour

          the sound of a blender turned on High, chainsaw starting up, or hundreds of ping pong balls dropping from a height onto hardwood floors, jingle bells, dozens of Slinkies going down stairs, Ford Model A backfires, Harley motorcycles, glass breaking, large diesel truck roaring with back up alarm beeping, sound track from Jane Fonda work outs, school bells, that annoying buzzing sound florescent lights make when the ballast is failing, or the sound of electric bug zappers catching a bunch of June bugs, train-yard noises...

          I'm not sure the sound of a single pump of the shotgun would necessarily do the trick, or it might work too well.  You don't really want them dropping, pulling their concealed carry guns with laser sights and firing at your doors and windows, although catching that on video would definitely be compelling evidence.

          When life gives you wingnuts, make wingnut butter!

          by antirove on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 09:09:13 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      •  Oh! I got it! Make the lights strobe lights so (6+ / 0-)

        they look like they're in a Keystone Cops movie once they touch the sign.  Maybe a few laser light show effects, perhaps random roving red dots, could cause their pants to thicken and bunch up a bit.

        When life gives you wingnuts, make wingnut butter!

        by antirove on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:50:50 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

    •  And post the video of it on YouTube! Laughing at (4+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      palantir, Troubadour, G2geek, Dirtandiron

      their small-minded pettiness and vindictiveness over a yard sign is the 'win'.  Since they'd probably be working on their dirty tricks after dark, it might add to the theater to pre-water the lawn to the point of muddiness around the sign.  Connecting the motion detector to sprinklers sure.  But also to flood lights, maybe a siren.  Run out with a larger video camera and signs on saying Channel 69 or 86 and ask for a statement, ask to interview the man or men. Ask if their families and pastor knows they're out doing this.

      When life gives you wingnuts, make wingnut butter!

      by antirove on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 08:42:42 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  telephone stuff: Call Trace. (4+ / 0-)

    Call your telco and see if they offer the Call Trace feature.  Tell them you're going to be doing some politics and you want to protect yourself from threats.

    Then if you get a threat call, you dial a feature code to trap the number.  Then file a police report, and the police can get the number from the telco.  If I'm not mistaken, the rules for this require that you agree to prosecute.  But who wouldn't prosecute if given half a chance..?

    Never erase a voicemail message that contains a threat.  Save it, immediately call the police, and have them get a certified copy of the recording.  Few things are quite so good at helping get a conviction, as the perp's own voice on the phone matching up with their voice in the courtroom.  Even if all they ever say is their name and "I plead not guilty," and then take the 5th and refuse to speak at all thereafter.  

    "Minus two votes for the Democrat" equals "plus one vote for the Republican." Arithmetic doesn't care about your feelings.

    by G2geek on Sat Jun 09, 2012 at 09:00:30 PM PDT

  •  I bet you hunt gophers with dynamite, too. nt (3+ / 0-)
  •  A helpful hint: (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Dirtandiron, PSzymeczek

    Check your cheap and easy camera to see if it features a red "recording" LED on it. Apply electrical tape as needed.

    Fair's fair. I don't vote in your church; don't go preaching in my government New video: "The Pig"

    by Crashing Vor on Sun Jun 10, 2012 at 03:37:46 AM PDT

  •  Hilarious. Except that crazy people have guns. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Dirtandiron
  •  I like the camera idea myself (0+ / 0-)

    If someone is caught on video vandalizing something, it will be hard to explain their way out of it.

    Where are all the jobs, Boehner?

    by Dirtandiron on Sun Jun 10, 2012 at 06:55:33 AM PDT

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