Rick Scott, Republican governor of Florida, embroiled in legal issues over his ongoing voter purge due to the questionable, inaccurate database being use and illegal time frame involved, has announced that he has switched databases and completed the purge.
During a press conference this morning, Scott revealed that he had switched from the original citizenship database created from out-of-date motor vehicle registration records somebody found in a shoebox in the cellar of an unnamed tea party member and simply used the list of Democratic party members, purging them all.
"Everybody knows that only illegal aliens, dead people, and people who are so confused they shouldn't be allowed to vote are registered as Democrats," said Scott, "so it only makes sense to purge them all."
"Anyone who thinks they have been mistakenly removed from the rolls has 24 hours to request a hearing before a commission that I am appointing and 3 days to present their case. They should bring both their current and their original birth certificate, all forms of identification they may have ever had, usernames and passwords to all their online accounts for the commission to examine to see if they are good Americans, paint chips that match their skin color, for our records, and a fee of $500 cash to cover administrative costs of our sponsors."
"Unfortunately there was not time or money to notify any of these people. But since most of them are dead, abroad, illiterate, or don't speak good English, notification would have been pointless."
"And besides, updated registration lists won't be available for a month. But you people know who you are."
Because county supervisors refused to take part in the purge, Scott had them declared Democrats and disenfranchised, then brought in an army of volunteers supplied by ALEC.
"We are certain that the integrity of our voter rolls is now approaching perfection, and only the right people will be voting," said Scott, on his way out the door after the press conference.