No doubt about it! For months now, I've been remiss; I've been watching white Republican men -- many of them fellow Southerners -- march boldly into battle, engaging in hand-to-hand combat as our nation's evil-doers work to undercut my status as a wholly vessel of motherhood. They've spoken boldly and without measure, laying down that brand of unparalleled truth that can only be attained from distance -- far, far away from the delivery rooms and orphanages and teen halfway houses of this great nation.
These men have stepped in front of political bullet after bullet to save me from myself, somehow seeing clearly in a way I simply can't that earning as much as the men around me might bring me immediate gratification and the ability to pay my bills as well as a man, but will, in the end, limit my opportunities for finding love and (straight) marriage.
They have, in short, laid it all on the line for me. 'Lil ol' me. And tonight, this card-carrying Vagina-American seeks -- from deep in the heart of what Jon Stewart has coined "Vaginastan" -- to to make things right.
Thank you, white Republican men everywhere! Thank you! Thank you!
I mean that from the bottom of my heart. As everyone reading this post no doubt knows well, we Vagina-Americans just can't be trusted to make choices about our bodies by ourselves. Can't be trusted with money. Can't be trusted, really, then do much more than lie back and think of England while the men in our lives move things forward from behind the drivers' seat.
Without your bold national service, this Vagina-American might have taken years to realize that paying more for my heealthcare because of my need for birth control pills to regulate my ovulation cycle isn't just a good private-sector idea, it's the meaty fodder for a much-needed law.
Your bold and unyielding leadership -- assisted, admittedly, by the Republican Vagina-Americans in the House -- made me see my "need" to be paid the same as men in the same job for the toxic, wrong-headed, antii-business propaganda it really is.
Your decision to selectively sanction the elected women around you with enough temerity to question your (and, now, of course, my) worldview? Wow. Just...wow. You held that Maginot line, making it clear to all that words like vasectomy are beyond the pale and, at some point, going to have to be washed out of the female mouth with soap and an all-male vote.
You saw me for exactly who and what I am: a feckless flibbertigibbet who needs to be protected (well, except for the actual protection part). Told what to do. Kept in my place. For...well, for the children.
You looked deep into this single-mommy's soul and knew that what I really was needing was to be told what to do. When. And with whom. For how much.
Thank you for you service, white Republican men!
You complete me. You humble me. You like me, you really, really like me! And this Vagina-American is more grateful than you will ever know.