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The loss of the notorious right-wing swine Andrew Breitbart has probably left many liberals and progressives with an empty place in their hearts. In this exclusive interview from hell we can catch up with our old friend to see how things are going.  


EE: Are you surprised that you are now in Hell?

BC: Well really, I expected to live for a lot longer than I did. I was really just getting geared up for the 2012 elections, man-o-man there was money coming in from everywhere to fund the anti-Obama crusade. I mean the man is the most radical president of our time, a Muslim and a commie socialist who wasn’t even born in America and he is throwing Israel under the bus. He may even be the Antichrist.

EE: Ummm, Andy… you do understand that you don’t have to recite the daily Republican talking points anymore now that you have gone to your great reward right?

BC: Yeah, I guess so. Now that I have retired I need to just relax and keep working on my tan. I’ll tell you, California has nothing on this place man, I sure could use some stronger sunblock though.

EE: Well you have pardon the pun, one hell of a lot of time to work on it now.

BC: Yep, and here is a pun right back atcha, there one hell of a lot of people down here that I truly have always admired. It’s like a retirement paradise for Republicans, you wouldn’t believe how many people are here. They practically have to shoehorn them in.

EE: I know that you’ve only been there for a few months but have you been able to do much social networking? You know, getting to know some of your neighbors for the rest of eternity?

BC: Hell yes! I am getting to know all of the great ones.

EE: Example?

BC – Well since I am being encouraged to name drop here’s one for you that you will recognize. Mr. Stalin is very proud of just how good of a job that the Koch Brothers are doing in destroying America off of the fortune that they inherited from their daddy building the oil refineries in Russia. He can’t wait to meet them.

EE: Impressive, how about Der Fuhrer? Have you run into him yet?

BC:– Oh yes! Mr. Hitler is really a stand-up guy. He would make a great RNC head, in fact he is very proud that his model has been emulated so well by Karl Rove and the Republicans.  He so enjoys playing Battleship and Risk with Mr. Churchill.

EE: You were always quite the propagandist and pathological liar, have you encountered good ole Paul Joseph Goebbels yet?

BC: Yes, he was always a personal idol of mine. Herr Goebbels wants to give a shout out to Roger and Rupert for taking his model and really running with it, both of them will be here before too much longer and he can’t wait to meet them. They took his work to the next level and he is anxious to hear all of the details. He is truly in awe of Roger.

EE: Care to share any of the really hot gossip? Again, pun is fully intended.

BC: The word is that Mr. Reagan cheats at canasta. President Ford was right that he was going to end up in Hell because he pardoned Nixon and the Dickster himself is here too as if that is any surprise… he’s over catching up with Charlie Colson who just got here at pit number 5.

EE: How about Satan?

BC: Well the boss feels a bit cheated that Dick Cheney was able to finagle a new heart, he had a really primo spot opening up and now will have to fill it with someone else. It’s a bitch though from what I hear, it takes a very special talent to get the gig and there really aren’t very many like old Dick. Saddam’s already here so maybe Henry Kissinger will be a good fit when the time comes which should be soon.

EE: Anything else?

BC:  Limbaugh has a massive coronary in his future and they are already planning a really big welcome home party for him. It’s going to be a really raging scorcher because the boss is his number one fan. It will be all you can drink hot goat piss on the house for a week.

EE: Do you have any regrets? Other than dying at 43 but it was an old 43, you really did look like shit if you don’t mind my saying so. I am surprised that your ticker didn’t explode sooner.

BC:  Regrets? Yeah, I have a few. I really wish that I could have found a better way to break into the business other than being Matt Drudge’s personal stooge and sucking his stale flatulence out of his seat cushion. I also just wish that I would just have sucked a dick and given in to my latent homosexuality rather than becoming hateful and bitter like the rest of the closeted Republicans. I also regret having that extra helping of double-cheese fries for supper before I dropped dead. Oh well, if the cholesterol didn’t kill me I am sure that the Mossad would have, you know that Mr. Adelson and Prime Minister Netanyahu, I know that they were both pissed that I screwed up that Shirley Sherrod thing and they were afraid that I was going to spill my guts about where my funding came from. But what the fuck? I really like it down here, I fit right in and all of my friends will soon be joining me. I also am sorry that I really was such a pathetic example to my children, in retrospect, being an angry, mean-spirited professional liar might not have been the best role model for them unless they are to go into Republican politics that is.

EE: Anything that you would like to say to anyone up here.

BC:  Jimmy O’Keefe really needs to eat more often, he looks like an emaciated little crack monkey already and now that I’m not around to pay him for his sting operations he needs to get a better gig and put on some weight or he will soon be here too.

EE: Thanks Andy, you have been really gracious, do you want the last word?

BC:  Yeah, if you happen to talk to Jesus Christ Would you please let him know that Reverend Falwell said “fuck you asshole”!

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