Last night, Bill Maher's final New Rule tackled the issue of paid vacation days, which is mandated by law in just about every other industrialized country. Except ours. Why is that?
New Rule: Until the election gets better, President Obama has to stop throwing parties for football teams.
Swing voters don't look at this and think, "He's a sports fan, just like me." They think, "Holy shit, he really does have a black army!" (wild audience applause)
And besides, why spend your weekend with men suffering from head injuries, when that's your day job?
(wild audience applause)
And finally, New Rule: American workers must get at least as much paid vacation as the Chinese slaves who make their iPhones. Did you know that 138 nations mandate vacation time by law? But one of them isn't the Republic of Here. In England, you get 28 paid vacation days a year, in Switzerland you get 20, in Sweden you get 25, in Greece you get infinity.
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And Americans look at this and think it's weird, without realizing we're the weird ones. They have the right idea. The Declaration of Independence says "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". Not "work, consumerism, and the pursuit of profits for Mitt Romney's investors". (audience applause)
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No, most Americans get two weeks vacation, unpaid, which they often don't even take, 'cause they're too afraid their job won't be there when they get back.
Our politicians love to brag, "The American worker is the most productive worker in the world." Yeah, 'cause they work scared. That's why a majority don't even take all of the few vacation days they get. Because you don't want to seem less valuable to your boss, especially since we live in the only Big Boy country where losing your job also means losing your health care. And then you won't be able to get the Prozac that helps you forget how depressed you are about having no free time. (audience applause)
Video and full transcript below the fold.
New Rule: Until the election gets better, President Obama has to stop throwing parties for football teams.
Swing voters don't look at this and think, "He's a sports fan, just like me." They think, "Holy shit, he really does have a black army!" (wild audience applause)
And besides, why spend your weekend with men suffering from head injuries, when that's your day job?
(wild audience applause)
And finally, New Rule: American workers must get at least as much paid vacation as the Chinese slaves who make their iPhones. Did you know that 138 nations mandate vacation time by law? But one of them isn't the Republic of Here. In England, you get 28 paid vacation days a year, in Switzerland you get 20, in Sweden you get 25, in Greece you get infinity.
Now, as schools let out and vacation season arrives, maybe we should take a minute here to reflect on how it's possible that a nation so lazy that we invented the heated automobile seat -- because who has the energy to make body heat come out of their ass? -- can also be the only real country where no one ever gets a day off?
Here's something I've noticed when I visit our national parks. Everyone there is German. Or Canadian, or Japanese. Because they have the time to go to our parks, and we don't. (audience applause) Because our government requires zero paid vacation days. In France, they get a minimum of 30. Which is why French men always look like they've just been blown.
Even tiny, impoverished, war-torn Sri Lanka guarantees 28 paid vacation days. Don't Americans deserve a shot at the Sri Lankan dream? China! China gets 10 days. The people who make the world's electronics while a soldier pokes them in the back with a bayonet and screams, "Faster! Faster!", treats its workers to more time off than we do.
Have you ever been to Europe in the summer, around lunchtime? And suddenly you look around and think, "Hey, wait a minute, wherever the fuck did everybody go?"
"Sorry, American, it's siesta time! Now excuse me while our entire nation has sex in the afternoon!" (wild audience applause)
And Americans look at this and think it's weird, without realizing we're the weird ones. They have the right idea. The Declaration of Independence says "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". Not "work, consumerism, and the pursuit of profits for Mitt Romney's investors". (audience applause)
And if we're the greatest, most exceptional country in the world, how come we're not having sex in the afternoon? 'Cause that's not how we roll. Even though we're the correct shape for rolling.
No, most Americans get two weeks vacation, unpaid, which they often don't even take, 'cause they're too afraid their job won't be there when they get back.
Our politicians love to brag, "The American worker is the most productive worker in the world." Yeah, 'cause they work scared. That's why a majority don't even take all of the few vacation days they get. Because you don't want to seem less valuable to your boss, especially since we live in the only Big Boy country where losing your job also means losing your health care. And then you won't be able to get the Prozac that helps you forget how depressed you are about having no free time. (audience applause)
I mean, for God's sake, having to cram an entire year's worth of relaxing into two weeks is more stressful than the goddamned job! You might as well stay home, sit in the baby pool, and snort bath salts!
So, in conclusion, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Bill, isn't mandatory vacation time the kind of thing your union used to fight for?" To which I say, "Union? You mean that old hall where workers used to meet and fight back? That's a Panera Bread now."