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The following group of topical jokes comes courtesy of Comedian Argus Hamilton:
Adidas introduced its controversial Shackle running shoe Monday. It's got an orange rubber shackle and chain fastened around the ankle. O.J. Simpson hasn't played football in years, so it's a real tribute to his star power that they're still designing shoes for him."Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'" –Conan O'Brien
The L.A. Zoo went on trial Monday over an elephant exhibit which animal rights activists say is inadequate. It holds three elephants in just three-and-a-half-acres. Republican zoning laws require three acres per elephant plus a nine-hole golf course with a grill room.
President Obama flew to Mexico for the Group of Twenty summit Monday. He's being protected this week by a special branch of the Secret Service. From now on whenever a president travels to a Latin American fun spot, his life is in the hands of the Eunuch Corps.
The Secret Service released a decade-long list of complaints against their agents on Sunday including hookers, boozing, and porn. They're working on controlling their urges. That little wire that goes inside their ear is no longer for communication, it's a shock treatment.
John Edwards was reported Tuesday to be considering returning to politics in North Carolina. Don't bet against him. Any man who can talk a widow out of a million dollars and use it to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife while running for president, then convince his jury he did nothing wrong has, what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.
"They say President Obama played golf a hundred times in his first administration, a four-year period. So he played on Father's Day. Donald Trump – always looking to make trouble, always looking to rain on somebody's parade – Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's scorecard." –David Letterman"Republicans Yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children -- except it turned out they weren't Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, 'Enter around back.'" –Bill Maher
"Both Romney and Obama were in Ohio giving dueling speeches on the economy. Before Obama's speech, Romney's bus starts circling the Obama site honking their horns in the parking lot. They would have actually stayed and done it longer, but Mitt had to get back to his site to give his speech about how we need to put the grownups back in charge." –Bill Maher