From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: North, South, West & East of the Border Somewhat
"President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or, as Fox News reported it: Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country."
---Conan O'Brien
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"Other than George Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan, no president in modern history has changed deportation policy through executive action. Except all of them."
---Jon Stewart
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"Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool."
---Bill Maher
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"For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China."
---Jimmy Fallon
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Clip of Rep. Darrell Issa on Fox: Very clearly, [Obama] made a crisis [via Fast & Furious] and they're using this crisis to somehow take away or limit people's Second Amendment rights.
Stephen Colbert: Yes! Very clearly, Obama started this gun-tracking program in 2006 when he hypnotized George Bush, then he secretly ordered Attorney General Holder to order the Justice Department to order the ATF to order gun shops to sell guns to Mexican drug cartels and then lose track of them, thereby panicking Americans to gin up support for the draconian gun-control measures that Obama has never introduced!
---The Colbert Report
And this from two years ago in
Entertainment Weekly by a budding Maine scribe:
I read a blog post about this situation where the writer called BP "half-assed." That's simply not true. BP has a whole ass; it's just that one cheek is smart and the other one is stupid. The smart cheek knew how to drill nearly a mile deep to get the oil, but the dumb cheek can't seem to fix what went wrong. Jekyll-and-Hyde buttocks, if you see what I mean.
---Stephen King
On the C&J grill tonight: pink slime burgers, eyeless shrimp and bacon sundaes. God bless America, let's eat! Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 22, 2012
Note: If you need a nun, take a nun. If you have a nun, leave a nun.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til America turns 236: 12
Days 'til the Roswell UFO Festival: 7
Percent of independent political TV ad spending in the past year that came from anonymous donors: 91%
(Source: Harper's Index)
May Obama vs. Romney Quinnipiac poll numbers in Florida: 36%-44%
June Obama vs. Romney Quinnipiac poll numbers in Florida: 46%-42%
Percent chance that Florida Gov. Rick Scott's popularity "slightly trails that of the clap": 100%
(Source: Balloon Juice)
Percent of men and women, respectively, who prefer their hamburgers cooked well done: 31%, 40%
(Source: 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll)
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NEW! Friday Joe Lieberman Wanker Walk Countdown:
Joe Lieberman will end his Senate reign of error in 207 days.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I don't need a special day to take my dog to work. She hogs the couch every day.
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CHEERS to being born! Happy [age redacted] Birthday and "Many blessings on your camels" to the next junior senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts…Elizabeth Warren! I felt bad for her at Netroots Nation in Providence because she was all fired up and ready to go, but had laryngitis from campaigning. She soldiered through he speech and panel discussion, though, and brought everyone on their feet. For her birthday, I got her the best present I could think of: induction into the BiPM Hall of Democratic Superheroes for creating the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and her epic rant on tax fairness. Plus the being born part. That was pretty cool, too.
JEERS to muzzling progress. And now, here to say a few words about the improving Florida economy is Governor Rick Scott:
"Mmmph!! Mmmmmph Mmmhhrgllmph!!!"
Gee, does he always make statements while tied up in a broom closet with a
Romney campaign bumper sticker taped over his mouth??? I dunno, but…kinky!
CHEERS to Things That Go Clackety-Clack for $200, Alex. On tomorrow's date in 1868, Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for his "Type-writer," the first to have the famous QWERTY sequence on its upper keys. Today bloggers who can't think of anything for their subject line typically go south for the edgier and more mysterious "asdf." And the day someone decides to drop down to "zxcv"? Anarchy!!!
JEERS to Romneying on empty. Tension ran high at the White House yesterday. Mitt Romney was giving a "major speech" on immigration, and the media was convinced that he was on the cusp of convincing one BILLION Hispanic voters to cross the ideological border into Republican Land. As if!!! Romney stammered and sputtered his way through one of his usual boring and dishonest teleprompter readings. When he accused Obama of doing "absolutely nothing" on immigration, doctors had to be called in to treat attendees for severe eye roll injuries. What a pathological liar. Obama is out-Bushing Bush, Jr. on border enforcement, and the DREAM Act would've been signed in a heartbeat if Republicans hadn't blown it up:
To see how dramatically the immigration debate has shifted, look no further than Orrin Hatch. The Utah Republican was the chief sponsor of the DREAM Act when it was first introduced in the Senate in 2001 and, later, in 2003. But now, worried about a potential tea party challenge in 2012, Hatch is steering clear of the Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors (DREAM) Act. … It’s a remarkable turnaround from four years ago, when a Republican president and a Republican Congress pushed to liberalize immigration and create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. But chastened by a grass-roots movement against illegal immigration, Republicans taking control of the House are lurching in the opposite direction…
Yup. They've climbed into bed with the xenophobes, racists and paranoids---a gaggle of extremists who are highly supicious and unenthusiastic about the robotic Romney, but know they've got him by his magic underpants. So that explains why his "major speech" turned out to be a very minor affair yesterday. Romney will never shift to the center on immigration, but he
will ease up using the red meat phrases ("self-deportation") from the primary campaign. That leaves him with mushy platitudes, which is all he served up yesterday. Meanwhile, today the President was on fire in front of the same audience---bristling with truth, common sense and specifics. Thus the battle for the Latino vote ends as only it could---with Obama
more popular than ever and Romney beating a hasty retreat to the warm embrace of his white billionaire and Bushian overlords at a
fortified compound in Utah. We hear the Koch brothers spent a fortune making sure the trees are the right height---so thoughtful.
CHEERS to supporting the troops. Sixty-eight years ago today, President Roosevelt---he of the super-awesome Democratic Party---signed the G.I. Bill. It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what George W. Bush wanted to do for servicemembers during his presidency...minus the low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. (But double the deployments!)
JEERS to punishment via dumbstick. On June 22, 1633, Galileo Galilei was told that he had to "abjure, curse, and detest" his view that the earth revolved around the sun. Let's review the church's decree, shall we?
The proposition that the Sun is the center of the world and does not move from its place is absurd and false philosophically and formally heretical, because it is expressly contrary to Holy Scripture.
The proposition that the Earth is not the center of the world and immovable but that it moves, and also with a diurnal motion, is equally absurd and false philosophically and theologically considered at least erroneous in faith.
It took the Vatican over 350 years to admit their heads revolved around their asses. But they had a very good reason why: they were, like, busy with stuff.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If George Washington was alive today, here's some of the stuff he might be watching this weekend with a brewski and a bag 'o Cool Ranch Doritos. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher has a great lineup (if you don’t count creepy Reason editor Nick Gillespie and billionaire fussbucket Mort Zuckerman): Rachel Maddow, Mark Ruffalo and---how awesome is this!---Kirk Freakin' Douglas. New DVD releases include mostly forgettable pap that was in and out of theatres faster than Tim Pawlenty was in and out of the presidential race, so skip 'em. (But if you want to see why Glenn Close should've won the Oscar this year instead of Meryl Streep, rent Albert Nobbs and be amazed.) Your MLB schedule is here. On 60 Minutes: 3 Cups of Tea author Greg Mortenson defends his dickish behavior. And Sunday at 10 the new HBO series The Newsroom debuts---it's an Aaron Sorkin production with Jeff Daniels as a Keith Olbermann-like anchor fighting the corporate poobahs and it looks great.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Nun Count:
Meet the Press: Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) hawks his new book to supplement his meager Senate and investment income; roundtable with Republican conspiracy nut Darrel Issa, Andrea Mitchell, Jonathan Martin, and former NM Governor Bill Richardson. Nun Count: 0
This Week: Republican conspiracy nut Darrell Issa; roundtable with Vice Chair of the House Democratic Caucus Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-CA), global cooling conspiracy nut George Will, Major Garrett, Peggy Noonan. Nun Count: 0
Face the Nation: Rick Perry; Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa; Tim Pawlenty; Mitt Romney's Etch A Sketch guy Whatzisname vs. Obama campaign strategist Stephanie Cutter; roundtable with Joe Klein, Dan Balz, Norah O'Donnell and John Dickerson. Nun Count: 0
Washington Week: Analysis of Romney's vain attempt to court Latinos with Jeff Zeleny of the NYT and Laura Meckler of the Wall Street Journal; Major Garrett of National Journal on the Republican obsession with destroying the Obama presidency by destroying Eric Holder; The LA Times' Doyle McManus on the G-20 summit. Wait...did you say G-20? BINGO!!!!!!!! Nun Count: 0
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Republican conspiracy nut Darrel Issa; T. Boone Pickens. Oh, and isn't it nice that on the official FNS web site Chris Wallace's wife gets a top-of-the-fold ad for her cookbook? Yes...yes it is. Nun Count: 0
Bill Moyers & Company (link): The one, the only, Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone talks with Bill and Yves Smith about how banks rule our world. Plus a report on the Nuns on the Bus. Nun Count: Lots!!!!!!!
Everyone above is going to Hell except for Bill, Matt and Yves. Happy roasting!
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Five years ago in C&J: June 22, 2007
CHEERS to the new independent candidate on the block. Dave Barry is running for president (you knew that, right?), and he's taking your questions at the McClatchy news site. I thought this one was particularly astute:
Q Dave, what kind of Iraq policy would you follow: Stay the course, Cut and run, Duck and cover, fight 'em over there so they won't fight us over here, surge, turn a corner every six months, surrender, add more GOP college interns to work in the green zone, drop the gay bomb, or nuke Iran?
Bill in Portland Maine, Portland, Maine
A Those all sound good to me.
Dave Barry
Oh, Dave. You had me at "Those."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a lifetime of teh funny. Hard to believe it was four years ago when we got the news that George Carlin had died at 71. Seems appropriate to remember him with some of his zingers, of which this is, oh, maybe one-zillionth-of-one-percent of 'em:
I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly."
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You know what would have been a smart thing to do in these developing countries that need electricity? To have tried large-scale experiments with alternative energy sources: solar, wind, geothermal, etc. We could have tested and tried to perfect these technologies on a large scale in places that need it. That would have been smart. That's why we didn’t do it.
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People who see life as anything other than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic. I'm an acrostic. I'm puzzled by the whole thing.
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HERE'S SOME FUN: Just keep calling telephone numbers at random and yelling, "Get off the line."
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There's a message window that comes up on my computer screen whenever I type a command the computer doesn’t like. It says, "Fuck you, I don’t do that."
Oh, and it never hurts to revisit his decidedly un-work-friendly thoughts
about those 7 famous words. Like a vuvuzela blast to the ears of a Puritan.
Have a great weekend! Sweet dreams. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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