From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
We'll Return to Our Program After This Commercial Break...
Announcer: Hey, Mary Cheney! You just got legally married to your partner Heather in Washington DC!!! Your parents Dick and Lynn Cheney are thrilled! What are you and your two children conceived through artificial insemination going to do now?Now back to your regularly-scheduled blogging. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Mary and Heather, holding hands: We're going back to our home in Virginia where, thanks to an amendment in our state constitution, we'll enjoy ZERO rights as a family headed by a legally-married-elsewhere same-sex couple!
Mary and Heather's kids, on swing set: We're second class! We're second class! Whee!!!
Virginia Prosecutor Tracy-Thorne Begland, denied a judgeship last month because he's gay: Just like me!
Group of Virginia gay couples hoping to adopt children: And, as of this Sunday, us too!
Group of blue- and white-collar Virginians who have been fired just because they're gay: And don't forget us!
Pat Robertson: Take it from me, a right-wing Virginia preacher who understands Christ's message of compassion and fellowship: Virginia's for lovers...of gay haters!!!
Announcer: This message brought to you by Republican Governor Bob McDonnell and the Virginia Republican Knuckledraggers Association, along with the Family Research Council, Focus on the Family and the National Organization for Marriage. Because as long as we're not talking about his advancement of torture and preemptive war, Dick Cheney and his sinner family can take their radical gay agenda and go [Bleeeep!] themselves!
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 25, 2012
Note: Congratulations to Martha Klopp and her ride, Charger, for winning the gold medal in the 1984 Olympic Tortoise Dressage event after completing their routine yesterday. USA! USA! USA!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Canada Day: 6
Days 'til the 63rd annual Kutztown Folk Festival in Pennsylvania: 5
Estimated amount of additional spending power consumers will have due to falling gas prices, which are expected to drop to $3 per gallon by election day: $114 billion
(Source: IHS Global Insight via USA Today)
Annual cost to charge an iPad: $1.36
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Weight of the entire AIDS quilt, which turns 25 on Wednesday: 54 tons
Percent of Americans who would prefer to sit next to Mitt Romney instead of Barack Obama on a long flight: 31%
Percent who would prefer to sit next to Obama instead of Romney: 57%
(Source: Bloomberg poll)
Puppy Pic of the Day: 1000
CHEERS to Darrel Issa (and that ain't a misprint). We'll file this item under, "Out of the Mouths of Slimeballs Comes the Occasional Gem." The Supreme Court will issue its ruling this week on the fate of Obamacare. Anyone who thinks it's not going to get chopped up or tossed out entirely is living in a fantasy land. The conservatives on the court didn’t have to crack a single law book or disturb a single brain cell to decide that the most important part of their ruling is ONE TERM OBAMA PRESIDENCY. But yesterday on Meet the Press, Rep. Issa nailed it when he explained what would happen when the justices pull the sheet over the corpse (but refrain from putting pennies in its eyes because that would be wasteful government spending): "We'll have to say, 'What can we cobble together?'" And there you have 21st century America in a nutshell, thanks to the Puritan suicide squad known as the Republican party. We'll let the rest of the world do big and great things while we fiddle around with spit and baling twine "cobbling" things together. And now, to restore balance to the universe let me just say: on everything else, Darrell Issa is an ass.
JEERS to a gathering of Siths. Here's an actual transcript of what went on during Mitt Romney's Park City, Utah retreat for the star chamber of Republican leaders and the billionaire SuperPAC'ers who tell them what to do:
Kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy!!!And in other news, Mitt Romney rents cargo plane for personal use when swollen lips prevent him from boarding his private jet. Film at 11.
CHEERS to lookin' out for the womenfolk. 102 years ago, on June 25, 1910, President William Howard Taft---meddling in Americans' private affairs via dastardly federal government action---signed the White-Slave Traffic Act, which said that women couldn't be transported across state lines anymore for "immoral purposes" like forced prostitution. It's more popularly known as the Mann Act, but I think they shoulda called it the Men Are Pigs Act. Anyway, my point is: don’t kidnap women and drag 'em across state lines to fuel your sex trade. Thank you. A public service message from this blog and the Ad Council.
JEERS to weak choices. The good news is, the Mubarek crony didn’t win Egypt's presidential election. The bad news is, this guy did:
Mohamed Morsi was declared the new president of Egypt on Sunday in an announcement that triggered massive cheers in Cairo's Tahrir Square. Morsi, of the Muslim Brotherhood, beat out Ahmed Shafik, who served as the last prime minister under ousted President Hosni Mubarak. Morsi had more than 13 million votes, while Shafik had more than 12 million, election officials announced.No one's sure what will happen now, except that the military will continue to be the 300-pound gorilla in the room. But one outcome is as reliable as the sun rising over the Great Sphinx in the morning: the right wingers in this country, most of whom can't find Egypt on a giant map marked EGYPT HERE, will freak out and claim that the Muslim Brotherhood has already infiltrated our government. The only question is, who will be the first to pop the cork of paranoia? And the winner is---[Opens tinfoil envelope]---Rep. Michele Bachmann. Here's your butterfly net, ma'am---go get 'em!
CHEERS to fighting psychic fire with psychic fire. So Mitt Romney says he would've done a better job saving the auto industry? And he would've saved us an extra $20 billion in the process? Wow. That's quite the gift of retro-fortunetelling he has. Of course he's full of Mittpucky. But it got me thinking: y'know what President Obama should do every time Mitt pulls this "I woulda done better" crap? He should step up to a microphone and say:
"Look, if I'd been Governor of Massachusetts I would've been in the top 5 on job creation instead of 47th like Mr. Romney---with a million new good-paying jobs! If I'd been Governor of Massachusetts I would've been in the bottom 5 on deficits instead of #1 like Governor Romney---with savings of 50 billion dollars! But I wasn't the governor of Massachusetts, and Mr. Romney wasn't involved in saving the auto industry and the millions of jobs connected to it. I believe his record in Massachusetts and my record on the auto industry speak for themselves."Removing his flag pin and whipping it like a Ninja throwing star at the reporter from the Daily Caller, slicing his press credential ID badge clean in half, would be totally optional. But recommended.
WHOOPS to pissing off the wrong people. On June 25, 1876, General George Armstrong Custer and his 7th Cavalry met their Waterloo at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana. Moments after the shooting stopped, a corporal arrived on the scene with an urgent message from HQ: "Duck!" Fate is a cruel master.
Five years ago in C&J: June 25, 2007
CHEERS gaining a seat at the table. One of the five contestants chosen to have dinner with Barack Obama is a veteran, former Republican, and transgender American. While some people would've been uncomfortable with someone like that, campaign officials let Jennifer (formerly John) Lasko know that, no matter what anyone thinks, "Senator Obama would love to have her attend the dinner." I dunno, I get kinda ick'ed out by those people. Y'know...the ones who have practiced the Republican lifestyle.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the Wise Latina. Happy birthday (and blessings on your camels) to Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who turns 57 today. She'll mark her third year on the bench in August, and I think she's done a fine job so far. She's not John Roberts, who promised to be an impartial "umpire" but now walks every conservative batter who shows up to play; or Clarence Thomas the porn-addicted serial tax dodger with the wife who's a walking conflict of interest; or Samuel Alito, the State of the Union mumbler; or Antonin Scalia, who never met a Koch brother he didn’t fluff and thinks nothing of flipping off those who displease him. So, in honor of your birthday, we got you the best present we could think of: a summer off from sitting next to those weirdos.
Have a nice Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Stonehenge a monument to Cheers and Jeers, new theory claims