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It's Not Torture, Really

The GOP, long led by Dick Cheney the Inquisitor, has made a persistent case for the water boarding of suspected terrorists. Enhanced interrogation, they call it. Perhaps, the use of enhanced interrogation should be expanded to include certain key GOP members of Congress who ceaselessly obstruct any and all efforts to improve the economy and create jobs. They are in essence, economic terrorists, and they are united economic terrorists, so why not?

While posing for cameras and spouting rehearsed talking points is common in the halls of Congress, truth telling is rare, indeed. How about a little coerced truth, straight from the mouths of the Republican reps that love cameras.

Today's most contemptible member of Congress is clearly Darrell Issa and a little water-boarding for him might be a good thing, but I doubt it will work on someone who is pathological. He has spent so many hours being interrogated by cops during his many arrests that he is most likely immune to waterboarding, too. He is clearly an economic terrorist. He is trying to put 200,000 postal workers out on the streets! Let's just  grant him a pass on the waterboarding and assume everything that comes out of his mouth is less than truthful...

So let's start with the Weeper of the House, John Boehner, but go easy, because he cries like a little girl:

 •Why do you oppose any and all legislation that would increase taxes on the very wealthy?

Because they are the people who pay the big bucks to keep me in office, and they have made me a millionaire, plus that would mean I would have to vote to increase my own taxes. I am not that stupid.

 •Why do you oppose any legislation that could help to create jobs?

Well, hey, that hurts! Okay, I'll tell you. If jobs improve, then nobody's gonna be mad at Obama anymore, and then I won't get to be Speaker of the House. It's our job to keep people out of work and angry.

 •Who is paying you to do these things?

Not the 99%, that's for sure! I was a 99%'er when I was working in that hell-hole of a bar my family owns, but now I've got it wired. The 99% pay my federal salary and perks, and the 1% buy my loyalty and votes.

 •Why are you always crying?

Have you ever had your testicles in a vise? My buddy, Grover--you know how he is--anytime he thinks I'm about to go rogue, he tightens the grip. And those Koch brothers, they pitch in and man the screws when Grover gets tired. By the way, you gonna do this to Eric? Talk about a little weasel...he wants my job!

Yes, Johnny, your buddy Eric Cantor is next, but he looks a little fragile. For him, we'll just use an electrified polygraph. It's kind of like that electrified fence you guys are all so big on.

 •Eric, do you really believe the outrageous things you say?


 •Why'd you answer so fast, Mr. Cantor?

You have me wired. I don't want any pain.

 •But isn't that what you keep proposing for the citizens of this country?

Yes, but that's different because it's not me who's suffering the pain.

 •Okay Eric, let's get to it. Who pays you to say things like, "We can't tax the job creators, the only way you will get FEMA aid is if we cut some other social program, the Occupy Movement is a mob. You understand the question?

Well, as you know, I kind of have an 'in' with the financial sector. My wife used to be a V.P. at Goldman-Sachs. Even now, I have an 'in'. The bank my wife currently works for actually got TARP funds, so if I have to answer, the financial sector pays me. We like to call it 'shared success'; kind of a little word play on 'shared sacrifice'. Yes, the financial sector butters my bread. As for the Occupy Movement Mob, until they showed up, we were winning the class-war because no one even knew there was a war going on. They have big mouths...and we're gonna shut 'em down!

 •What about the FEMA comments?

Look, we cannot be rescuing people from man-made or natural disasters. My belief, they are on their own, unless of course, they want to trade on their future Medicare benefits--then we'll take a look. Geez, it's not like these people are banks! Now, the banks, they're another story. They need any help? I am right there for them!

 •One more question, Mr. Cantor. What about John Boehner? He thinks you want his job. Any truth to that?

That cry baby! The tan man, we call him. Well, to tell you the truth (since I have to), You bet I want his job! Wouldn't mind having the turtle's job either...

 •The turtle? Who is the turtle?

My good friend, Mitch McConnell. You know, the Senator.

The Turtle And Eddie Munster

So now, let's spend a little time with good ole' Mitch McConnell. We probably don't have to water board him or hook him up to a polygraph. He's more than happy to tell the truth with little or no prodding.

 •So, Senator, why have you been so stubborn in your refusal to even hear anything the President has to say?

My goal, our goal, is to make Obama a one-term President.

 •But if you would work together, don't you think the economy and the citizens of this country would be in a better place economically?

My goal, our goal, is to make Obama a one-term President.

 •So, you are purposely hurting the American people?

My goal, our goal, is to make Obama a one-term President.

 •Tell me about the meeting held on Inauguration Day, 2008. Was that meeting designed to help the country, who was there and what was said?

John and I weren't there, but like I said. "My goal, our goal, is to make Obama a one-term President."

 •Who was there and what was said?

From what I heard, there were about 15 people there. You know, John and I hate Frank Luntz- we knew he would be there- we stayed away. But. let's see. There was Luntz, Eric, Kevin McCarthy (Ca), Pete Sessions, (Tx), Pete Hoekstra, (Mich.), Hensarling, (Tx.), Dan Lundgren, (Ca), DeMint from South Carolina, John Kyl, from Arizona, Coburn, (Ok), John Ensign from Nevada, Bob Corker (Tenn.), and Newt Gingrich. I almost forgot, Paul Ryan was there. They basically decided that we would oppose everything and anything that Obama proposed. We would make him a one-term President.

The Republicans got together on Inauguration Day and premeditated the killing of a Presidency? Regardless of the consequences to the nation? And you and Boehner went along with this?

Like I said, my goal, our goal, is to make Obama a one-term President. Any problems with that idea, ask Paul Ryan. He was there, but hey! We're doin' a pretty good job! It's easy to fool the American people when you're all united! That hope and change thing, well, we just decided to kill it! I heard that Newt said, "This day will go down in history as the beginning of 2012!"

Told you the turtle has no problems explaining his actions.

If you are ready, it is time to meet and greet Eddie Munster (Chairman Paul Ryan). Ryan is a little bit of a tougher nut to crack, and when I say nut, well, I don't mean the kind you eat. Ryan will not only require some water boarding, but some truth serum.

 •So, Mr. Ryan, I understand that everything you do and say has been done in an attempt to destroy Obama; a plan that was hatched just a few hours after you were seen smiling at the Inauguration. Is that true?

First of all, you can call me Chairman Ryan and secondly, get over it! Don't try to demagogue the idea that there's gotta be a reason I smile. I am a politician, so I smile. As for this nonsense that we have plotted to rid the country of Obama, so what? People won't believe it, and even if they do, by this time we have made them so suspect of the guy that we are looking pretty good.

 •Come on, Chairman Ryan, the Path to Prosperity? Don't you think that the people of this country are going to realize that your budget will hurt everyone but the rich?

Doesn't matter. Bush got away with it for 8 years and I will, too. In 8 years, this country will forget what Medicare, Social Security and Medicaid were like. The people that were on these programs will be long dead by then. And the rest, well, you don't miss what you never had and never knew.

 •That's a little cold, don't you think?

Look! This is getting tedious. If someone has a conscience, it might be considered cold, but, hey, have you ever read any Ayn Rand? She taught me a long time ago that a conscience is for weaklings, and weaklings are a drain on society.

 •Are you actually going to try to sell that to the people?

I already have and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. People are strange. You eff 'em, and they come back for more, as long as you smile...

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