"He bought all that beer and now he's buying fireworks? God, I hate this holiday SO much." - the fingers of stupid people
I'm going to let you in on a secret. If you blow your hand off with 4th of July fireworks, you get an extra day off work.
New poll says 70% of Americans support the Declaration of Independence, but more than half think it's a movie about fighting space aliens.
All 4th of July barbecues should be ribbed for your pleasure.
In honor of independence day refuse to take care of any dependents. Go find yourself a hooker and go gambling.
My 4th of July party will be held in a blimp. Loaded with water balloons. Filled with whip cream. Above England.
I still have a crush on Rachel Maddow so its okay if you still have a crush on Anderson "the silver fox" Cooper, ladies.
Spiderman and Batman release joint statement: "Please make movies about stuff other than us."
If you pay actual money to see the new Spiderman movie then you're part of the problem.