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From the ultra-conservative county of Knox in the great state of Maine it's...

 Awards Edition Plus, your one-stop snark shop, filling in for Cheers and Jeers. Bill in Portland Maine is taking a well-earned vacation today. I understand he has a busy day planned for himself. Check out what I pulled out of his trash the other day:

To-Do list for Thursday, July 5

1. Sleep until noon.
2. Walk Molly.
3. Read the Portland Press Herald.
4. Write letter to the editor.
5. Take nap.
6. Walk Molly.
7. Clip toenails.
8. Take nap.

So while Bill does his chores, we'll be opening the pool this morning. Follow me into the cesspool of snark for an editorial by AEP Managing Editor Lenin Cat, the News of Dubious Veracity Department, the Golden Douchenozzle Award and more...

Awards Edition Plus Editorial

by Lenin Cat

Independence Day. Cats love it, because we are, well, very independent. I was looking through the Declaration of Independence yesterday and it struck me how uncivil it is. Those guys were really angry and justifiably so. Let's see how their gripes could be applied to some modern-day King Georges:

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

The Republican Party.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

The Republican Party.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

The Republican Party.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

The Republican Party.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

The Republican Party.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

The Republican Party.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

Jan Brewer and Joe Arpaio. Also, The Republican Party.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

The Republican Party.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

The Republican Party.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.

Gov. Snyder of Michigan. Also, the Republican Party.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

Mayor Quan of Oakland, California. See? Both sides do it.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

George W. Bush & Co. Also, The Republican Party.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

Grover Norquist.

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

The Bush Administration and The Republican Party.

Need I say more?

Independence is great, but we have to remember that to be independent we have to realize that we are all interdependent. Will someone please tell the GOP?

--Lenin Cat

News of Dubious Veracity Department

From the Oklahoma Dustbowl-Republican:

Oklahoma Legislature Criminalizes Artificial Insemination of Livestock

Oklahoma City. In a bizarre turn in the War on Sex, The Oklahoma State Legislature had passed a bill which effectively bans the artificial insemination of livestock. Speaking for the committee that wrote the bill, State Representative Claiborn Lickspittle called the bill "Another victory for morality and the sanctity of life", adding "the method used to collect bull and horse semen is, at its core, tantamount to an act of bestiality--not to mention the fact that there is necessarily a certain amount of waste, you know, of sperm. Let's let livestock reproduce the way God intended, joylessly and quickly."  

It's just "the right thing to do" because...


You Can't Make This Sh*t Up Department

Wyoming State Rep. Gerald Gay is a lot of things, including a homophobic bigot, Christianist and Islamophobe. He also, apparently, advocates for an English-only bill. Watch how he does it, using Arabic and Spanish:


Is it just me, or is his irony meter broken?

And now, without further ado, it's...

The Golden Douchenozzle Award !!!

(weaksauce brass fanfare.....Bronx cheer...)

The Golden Douchenozzle Award is given periodically for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery. Today's award goes to:

Mitt Romney

Mitt may be bad at a lot of things, but he has hypocrisy and asshattery down cold. Whether tooling through the White Mountains with a dog strapped to the roof of his car or on the campaign trail, Mitt can turn himself on a dime. He's got more flip flops than a South Asian sweatshop. Let's look at his latest attempt to weasel out of Romneycare:

Romney is trying to sell the idea that Obama’s health care bill contains a tax because the Supreme Court said it does. And the health care law that he signed in Massachusetts contains a penalty... because that’s what he called it at the time...

Sorry, Mittens, but that hair won't split. One, two, three: Douchenozzle!

Thanks for reading Awards Edition Plus. The Kiddie Pool is open--what are you cheering and jeering about? See you in the comments!

Originally posted to Awards Edition Plus on Thu Jul 05, 2012 at 05:46 AM PDT.

Also republished by DKOMA.


Mitt Romney is:

2%3 votes
1%2 votes
0%0 votes
15%19 votes
3%4 votes
70%85 votes
6%8 votes

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