for your special day?
Yes, because a woman on her wedding day is just like an earthquake. Or maybe it's a tornado. A hurricane? Flood. Well, whatever. Something natural and disastrous. The guide—sorry, taxpayer-funded guide—written by moonlighting comedian Caitlin Shockey, begins by noting the striking similarities between surviving a hurricane and surviving a wedding day:
We’re sure it’s just a fluke that wedding season happens to coincide with hurricane season. [...] Being in the throes of wedding season, many of us here at CDC realized that planning for a wedding isn’t that much different from planning for a disaster. Just remember: Get a Kit, Make a Plan, and Be Informed.That joke probably goes over especially well in New Orleans. No doubt those who were fleeing their drowning homes during Hurricane Katrina were probably thinking, Damnit! Shoulda gone with the live band instead of the DJ!
(Continue reading below the fold.)
This helpful taxpayer-funded guide advises what your hurricane/wedding day survival kit should include:
The bridal kit should include extra safety pins, makeup for touchups, maybe a few sedatives. It also wouldn’t hurt to have the essentials from a home emergency kit or “go-bag” by your side. You never know when you might need to bandage up a clumsy flower girl, revive a passed out reception guest, or even evacuate.If only those people who drowned in Hurricane Katrina had remembered their safety pins!
If you’re the bride, add this to the list of things you need your maid of honor or someone in the bridal party to put together for you.Brides, please note: When assigning tasks to your bestest bud from college—spend hundreds on that fabulous taffeta dress and dyed-to-match shoes that you can totally wear again; arrange and pay for a bridal shower so the bride can collect crotchless panties and hand mixers; and arrange and pay for the bachelorette party in Vegas because there's no better way to say, "Yes, I've met the love of my life" than a drunken night watching male strippers—remember to also instruct said soon-to-be-former bestest bud from college to also prepare an emergency kit. If she wants to be the most prepared maid of honor she can be:
For a more extensive emergency kit list, visit FEMA’s Ready.gov.This is especially helpful, because lord knows every bride needs a "whistle to signal for help," "dust mask to help filter contaminated air and plastic sheeting and duct tape to shelter-in-place," "moist towelettes, garbage bags and plastic ties for personal sanitation," "wrench or pliers to turn off utilities," and a "manual can opener for food."
The CDC also recommends having an emergency plan:
It may not be a bad idea to have a “runner” to take care of errands and be the go to person for questions. With out-of-town guests and the whirlwind pace of the big day, a designated point person for emergencies will alleviate panic and frustration if an emergency comes up.It isn't clear whether the maid of honor can also serve as "runner." Probably not, as she'll be busy tracking down those sedatives and manual can openers. The runner should be covered for all emergencies, including:
[A] tear in your wedding gown, tornado, health issues, monster-in-laws, or bridezilla on the loose.Bridezilla emergencies are apparently the worst:
You never know when Bridezilla might pop up. When dealing with an emotional bride, try to remember your loved one is probably stressed out and will soon return to her caring self after the wedding is over. Be supportive and have some bottled water from your emergency kit and a box of chocolate on hand.Shorter CDC: Yes, the bride may well turn into a raving, hysterical, monster-like bitch who tries to eat Tokyo, 'cause that's how brides tend to roll on the day that Baker reminds us "every lady knows is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIIIIFE." But, just as with surviving a hurricane, pat that bitch on her precious little head, tell her, "There, there, you crazy bitch, put down that screaming Japanese businessman," and give her some chocolate.
That's some swell advice for surviving hurricanes too. Remember, when your house is under water, there's nothing like a box of chocolate on hand to make it all okay.
It seems, in this age of austerity, that spending taxpayer dollars on really super helpful advice like this is the perfect allocation of funds, doesn't it? It's not like there is anything else happening in these dog days of wedding season summer that might be a slightly higher priority for the CDC, right?
Worst TB outbreak in 20 years kept secretThat sure sucks if you live in Florida, but what are 13 deaths compared with the chance "you might need to bandage up a clumsy flower girl"? At the very least, wouldn't the CDC's time and funds be better spent shipping emergency safety pins to Florida?
The CDC officer had a serious warning for Florida health officials in April: A tuberculosis outbreak in Jacksonville was one of the worst his group had investigated in 20 years. Linked to 13 deaths and 99 illnesses, including six children, it would require concerted action to stop.