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Mitt Romney did not eat the cheese.

Yes, the cheese is missing and, yes, Mitt Romney's breath smells like hot-old-man-air mixed with brie, and, yes, Mitt Romney was seen hanging around the refrigerator with a box of Wheat Thins, but, no... Mitt Romney did not eat the cheese.

Mitt Romney was too busy saving the Olympics to have eaten the cheese.

Mitt Romney was too busy causing Dogarrhea to have eaten the cheese.

The fact is, Mitt Romney does not know know that cheese is a generic term for a diverse group of milk-based food products.  And Mitt Romney does not know cheese making originated, either in Europe, Central Asia or the Middle East, but the practice had spread within Europe prior to Roman times and, according to Pliny the Elder, had become a sophisticated enterprise by the time the Roman Empire came into being.  And Mitt Romney is totally UNAWARE that the moon may, or may not, be made of cheese.

That's because when Mitt Romney left Bain Capitol he just completely stopped thinking about the creamy, tasty, soft, wonderful cheese.

This is why Mitt Romney DEMANDS that Barack Obama apologize for suggesting that Mitt Romney ate the cheese, because despite the fact that Mitt Romney has spent his entire life gorging himself on Emmental and Gruyère and Gouda and Cantal and Colby and Monterey Jack... despite the fact that Mitt Romney might as well have whiskers and little, beady, rat eyes... despite the fact that millions upon millions of cheese slices were delivered to Mitt Romney's cellar in the Caymans... Mitt Romney did not eat the cheese in the years between 1999 and 2002.

Yes, he has an army of Keebler Elves, but he does not have, nor did he consume, any cheeses.  No cheese.  Nada Cheese!  Nein Cheese!

And this is why Mitt Romney will go on five networks... with yellow stains on his lips... and a Dexter-Russell 09223 14" Double White Handled Cheese Knife in his hand... and three inches of lactose intolerance inspired tummy bloat... and swear to the God of lightly curdled mik that Mitt Romney... DID... NOT... EAT... THE... CHEESE.

Mitt Romney did not eat the cheese.

Because if Mitt Romney ate the cheese... Mitt Romney will not be President.

Ergo... Mitt Romney... did not eat... the cheese.

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