The phone rings beside the President's bed.
The terrorists are attacking.
The economy is imploding.
N. Korea has crossed the 38th parallel.
Iran is blockading the Persian Gulf.
The Russians invaded Poland.
No one answers the phone. Why?
Well, you see, just because I'm the CEO and Chairman of the country in charge of shaping and executing federal domestic and foreign policy, that doesn't mean I have managerial control over it. I'm off working to make looking like a cardboard cutout an Olympic sport.
I runs the country part-time, I just get paid $500,000 a year. That doesn't make me rich or anything. I'm one of yous poor peoples. Did'ja like how I said that? Where's my private jet?
What am I supposed to do?!? I outsourced the military to Mexico and the Treasury to China and fired everybody in Washington. Come to think of it, there's no one left to pay the phone bill. Did I mention I made $1,000,000,000 off the fire sale? Man, am I smart!
It was just video tape of me taking the Oath of Office. I don't actually make any decisions about the country. I'm just a patsy.
I retroactively resigned in 2016 back to the year 2013 using a flux capacitor. Besides, I took a leave of conscience.
Boy, I sure wish something from all those years at Bain Capital was remotely applicable to the job of being the President. Oh well, I'll just wing it. Worked for W!
None of this woulda happened if that Obama guy hadn't attacked my record at Bain Capital and made me look so stupid.
Waaaaahhhhh!!!!!