Are you a REAL conservative? Do you have what it takes to join Mitt’s Minions? Take this quiz and find out!
Section I. - Economics
1.) Draw lines to connect the answers on the right with the policy on the left:
Mandatory auto insurance sensible way to protect against random misfortune
Mandatory mortgage insurance protects individuals, society from burdensome costs
Mandatory healthcare insurance Socialism!
Section II. - Communication Skills
2.) Select the correct word or phrase in the sentence below. Answers may not be used more than once
Word bank: hypocritical ♦ tax ♦ poop on ♦ totally cool ♦ speak for the commoners
It is _ of Barack Obama to throw expensive fundraisers where he talks about wanting to _ the rich; it is __ for Mitt Romney to host expensive fundraisers where he claims to _.
Section III. - Ancient History
3.) Which answer or answers best describe the condition of the United States when Barack Obama took office after 8 years of old What’s-His-Name.
_ Hobbled by the greatest economic calamity since the Great Depression
_ Saddled with two expensive, bloody and ill-managed wars
_ Reeling from the collapse of a casino-like financial industry and an unregulated banking system run amuck
_ Threatened with the prospect of losing millions of additional auto industry jobs
_ Like I can remember 41 months ago!
Section IV. - Logic
4.) Everyone knows that Obama is the undisputed King of tax-and-spend liberals, yet he passed cuts(1) greater than He-Who-We-Do-Not-Speak-Of, and under his watch federal spending has increased less than any president since Eisenhower(2). How does a True Conservative account for these facts?
_ Slander the source! Oh, wait, these are Fox News and Forbes articles…not exactly bastions of liberal thought
_ The figures must be wrong! Except the GAO and CBO are nonpartisan and often referenced by Republicans
_ Perhaps Obama is more fiscally prudent than outmoded stereotypes and regurgitated groupthink may suggest
_ Facts schmacks
Section V. - Basic Math
5.) Which number is greater?
_ +16.3% (DIJA to date under Obama)
_ -20.1% (DIJA under 8 years of Obama’s Predecessor)
Section VI. - Comparative Religion
6.) Blessed are the
_ Meek
_ Poor
_ Merciful
_ Peacemakers
_ Persecutors of those of alternate sexual identity, race, skin, immigrant status, and religion or lack thereof
Section VII. - Military Theory
7.) President Obama brought about a small measure of closure and justice to victims of the 9/11 attacks and Americans everywhere when he authorized the killing of Osama bin Laden. To do so he sent a SEAL team into Pakistan, a move previously derided by numerous Republicans including Mitt Romney. What is a True Conservative to think about this action?
_ Can we talk about something else?
_ For real, let’s move on
_ Seriously, this is embarrassing
_ Old What’s-His-Face would have parachuted out of a F/A-18 into the Daytona 500 with Bin Laden’s head strapped to his codpiece if it had happened under his watch, but if forced I’ll bleat something about ‘Spiking the Football’ and then immediately run home and, with bitter tears of confusion running down my cheeks, masturbate furiously to a Chuck Norris movie
Section VIII. - Physics
8.) In 2006 Governor Mitt Romney passed sweeping healthcare legislation virtually identical to key provisions of healthcare legislation passed in 2010 by President Obama. In 2012, Romney is making the repealing so-called ‘Obamacare’ a central message of his campaign. If the 2006Mittenator were somehow to meet with the 20012Mittenator, what would occur?
_ Global Polarity Flip
_ A battle to the death so evenly matched and epic as to warrant a 6-installment Michael Bay-directed film franchise
_ Downcast eyes, flushed cheeks, and an awkward silence
_ A matter/anti-matter collision so great as to destroy the very fabric of the universe
Section IX. - Gender Studies
9.) Which of the following proves Republican commitment to women’s rights?
_ Disavowal of the Lilly Ledbetter Law, which helps women seek redress when the victim of discriminatory pay
_ A record number of laws at the state level infringing on a woman’s right to choose
_ A Presidential candidate whose religion forbids women from assuming leadership roles
_ Herman Cain
_ Like chicks should stray out of the bedroom or kitchen. Amirite or what? High-five!
Section X. - Equestrian Events
10.) One of the few items we know about Mitt Romney’s personal tax history is that he once claimed a $77,000 deduction for horse dressage. Knowing Obama is the true elitist, this can be explained away as
_ ….Ummmm….
_ Got nothing
_ Maybe if—no, still nothing
_ Hey, wasn’t Heckuva Job Brownie the President of a horse association? I wonder if he knows the Romneys. Maybe he’d be the Secretary of State in a Romney cabinet. Ahhh, Heckuva Job Brownie…those were the days…
Section XI. - Health and Medicine
11.) Write an essay describing in detail the Republican alternative to Obamacare. Enough space has been provided for a comprehensive description: __
Section XII. - Studies in Moral Courage
12.) Match the speaker with the quotes below:
“Roe v. Wade has gone too far.”
“I believe that since Roe v. Wade has been the law for 20 years we should sustain and support it.”
“I respect and will protect a woman’s right to choose.”
“I never really called myself pro-choice.”
“It was not my desire to go off and serve in Vietnam.”
“I longed in many respects to actually be in Vietnam and be representing our country there.”
“I think the minimum wage ought to keep pace with inflation.”
“There’s no question raising the minimum wage excessively causes a loss of jobs.”
“I like mandates. The mandates work.”
“I think it’s unconstitutional on the 10th Amendment front.”
“I’m a strong believer in stating your position and not wavering.”
“I changed my position.”
Oh hell, you know who it is who said all these things. Let’s all just try to ignore the fact that Romney makes Two-Face seem like a wrought-iron beacon of stability and concentrate on keeping the guy with the dark skin out of the White House another 4 years, ok?
(1) http://www.foxnews.com/....
(2) http://www.forbes.com/....