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Dramatis personae:

Mitt Romney, a cyborg
Dr. Sigmund Shadenfroyd, a deranged scientist
Dr. Linglang Sh'Boom, a deranged scientist
Dr. Maxine Schreck, a deranged scientist
Ann Romney, an American housewife
General Wilbraham G. Bonkers, the Republican Vice Presidential nominee
Kent Loggerhead, Republican Party National Chairman
Ed Maelström, Mitt Romney's campaign manager
Mr. Cayman and Mr. Schweitzer, attorneys
Dawn Blather, a TV news anchor
Tom Brokeback, a TV news anchor
Seamus, an experimental cyberdog

Act I, Scene 1: 1998. A secret Laboratory at Golemtech, a Bain Capital portfolio company
Dr. Shadenfroyd: Give it the JUICE! NOW!!!

(Lightning flashes! Thunder rolls! and the electric current surges through the swaddled humanoid form. Mitt Romney opens blank eyes.)

Mitt Romney: Glllrgh dleebl ghkkk... 1.414213562373095048872420969807 ...  b'deep ... Oh, my heck! Ann, is that you?

Drs. Schreck, Shadenfroyd, and Sh'Boom: (gleefully) It's ALIIIIIIVE! (they sing)

            It's alive, it's alive, it's alive!
            What a great day for weird science!
            The impossible dream can arrive,
            For impossibly wealthy clients!
            So give us all a high five,
            It's alive, it's alive,  it's ALIVE!

Ann Romney: Oh, thanks be to Heavenly Father! And you TOO, Dr. Scholls! If not for you people, my husband would have perished utterly in that freak downsizing accident! You people saved his memory engrams, and now here he is again, virtually the same as the man I married!

Romney: I feel fit as a fiddle! (b'deep) Let me out of this contraption!

(Curtain)

Act I, Scene 2: 1999. A boardroom at Bain Capital
Romney: Here's my plan: I'm going to retire from Bain.

Bain Boardmembers: Oh, say not so! (pantomiming attitudes of grief and despair)

Romney: Don't worry, I'll still be running everything! (wink wink) But the future beckons. First, I must save the Olympic Games by fleecing the taxpayers of 1.5 billion! (Cheers)

Kent Loggerhead: Then he's going into politics! We of the Republican Establishment believe Mitt Romney embodies all the values we'd like to impose on America! We'll get him elected Governor of Massachusetts by pretending to be a pro-choice moderate! (Laughter, cheers)

Romney: Then, with my political experience, I'm going to run for President! And THEN, when I'm in the White House, I'm going to run the country efficiently, the way I've run my company! "Efficiency" will be the new national motto! (Sings)

                  When I'm elected President
                  By you, my good constituents,
                  You bet I won't be hesitant
                  To downsize - it's efficient!

                   - And when you hear "downsize"
                  Think "fire sale," my good friends!
                  Think "Library of Congress"
                  Between a pair of bookends!

         It's all about efficiency!
         Efficiency's my name!
         I'll tear it down efficiently,
         And privatize the gain!          

                  Social Security - privatized
                  As soon as I am sworn in!
                  Medicare - sold off, downsized
                  I'll have one busy mornin'!

                  I'm putting into practice
                  The methods of Bain Capital-
                  Fire the slobs, outsource their jobs
                  Close the plant and scrap it all!

         It's all about efficiency!
         Efficiency for the masses!
         I'll fire them all efficiently,
         And privatize their assets!      

                  I'll outsource gov'ment labor
                  To someplace like Mumbai
                  You'll thank me for the favor
                  When Wall Street hits the sky!

                  Departments now, take Justice!
                  It's going East, young man!
                  I'm thinking maybe Myanmar,
                  Maybe Uzbekistan.  

         It's all about efficiency!
         Efficiency, it's true!
         The public will efficiently
         Be served, and swiftly too!    

                  The Vet's Administration
                  Can kiss its ass goodbye!
                  No more free medication
                  For broken-down GIs.

                  We'll keep a clinic, one or two
                  To show that we have pity
                  One, let's see, in Fort Igloo,
                  And one in Salt Lake City.

         It's all about efficiency!
         Efficiency's my dogma!
         I'll phase it out efficiently,  
         And privatize your trauma!  

                  I won't downsize the Pentagon
                  I have too many pals there,
                  And war's the most efficient way
                  Of selling them more hardware!

                  We'll need a "splendid little war!"
                  I'll make some ragheads fight us
                  Iraq, Iran, who cares what for?
                  I'll bomb them to detritus!

         It's all about efficiency!
         EFFI-CI-ENCY, BITCHES!
         We'll bomb Iran efficiently,
         And rake in lots more riches!    

                  Deregulation will proceed!
                  All bans on dumping toxins
                  Revoked with all delib'rate speed;
                  The world needs MORE dioxin!  

                 We'll sell off states that can't compete!
                 It's all the bottom line -
                 With Mississippi's balance sheet,
                 We may go back to forty-nine!

                 So now you've seen my vision
                  - A one-percenters' planet!
                  Flipflopping' s my tradition,
                  But this is set in granite.

         It's all about efficiency!
         Efficiency's the way!
         We'll fleece 'em quite efficiently,
         And privatize the U.S.A.!      

Loggerhead, Boardmembers: Oh, happy day! Oh, happy day!
                               When Romney washed
                               All my fears away!
                              Oh, happy day! Oh, happy day!

(They fall on their knees and do the Wave while Romney and Loggerhead dance. )

(End of Act I, Curtain)

Act II, Scene 1: May 2012. The offices of Cayman, Schweitzer, Boodle, and Swag, attorneys
Mr. Cayman: This instrument will incorporate "Mitt Romney" as RoboGOP, Ltd. As a new kind of legal entity, RoboGOP, or "Mitt Romney," the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, will have the legal status of a citizen-corporation, with full Constitutional rights and immunities, plus numerous corporate tax benefits, PLUS zero personal liability for anything he ever does, privately or as a Republican official.

Kent Loggerhead: This is a great day for the Grand Old Party!

Mitt Romney: Yes, it's way overdue. I feel like I've been entitled to this my whole life.

Mr. Schweitzer: Sign here, and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here ... and here.

Mr. Cayman: Oh, and initial here. And here ... and here ... and here.

Mitt Romney: Done! NOTHING can touch me now! (sings)

                          I'm RoboGOP, the Invincible
                          Incorporated Cyberdude
                          And if you mooks are sensible
                          You won't give me no attitude!

                          To privatize this favored land
                          Shall be my just endeavor
                          But I must chortle--I'm immortal
                          My reign shall last forever!

Kent Loggerhead: I'm so happy (sob) that I've lived to see this day! One-party rule forever--it's all we've ever wanted.

(They all shake hands. Curtain)

Act II, Scene 2. July 2012. In a Golemtech Laboratory.
(Drs. Shadenfroyd, Schreck, and Sh'Boom are putting the finishing touches on Seamus the cyberdog.)

Shadenfroyd: Mr. Romney will be so suprised to see his old pal Seamus again!

Schreck: Doesn't he know about this?

Shadenfroyd: No, he gave me the dog many years ago to use in my research. Said his wife didn't like dogs or something. But Cyber-Mutt here is programmed with all Seamus's memories! He'll remember His Master's Voice, all rightee! (they chuckle)

Sh'Boom: When are you going to show Mitt his surprise?

Shadenfroyd: Oh, his campaign manager wants Seamus for the Convention! The voters like to see a candidate with a nice doggie. It humanizes them, dont'cha know!

All: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! (They roll on the floor, laughing their asses off)

Shadenfroyd: (dusting himself off) Oh, well, let's switch him on! (flipping a switch) Seamus, good boy! Howzaboy? Seamus, you're going to see Daddy! Remember your Daddy Mitt?

Seamus: Roof! Roof! Roof! Roof! Roof! Roof! Roof! Roof!

Sh'Boom: Why is he foaming at the mouth?

Shadenfroyd: Dunno. Bad circuit? We'll fix it.

(Curtain)

Act II, Scene 3: August 2012. The Republican National Convention in Tampa Bay, as seen on a TV monitor.
(Mitt Romney and General Wilbraham G. Bonkers, the new Vice Presidential nominee, are at the podium at the closing ceremony)

Mitt Romney: ...and now, I and your next Vice President, General Bonkers (loud cheering) would like to close our National Convention by saying God bless you all, and God bless America! ... Did you want to say something, General?

General Bonkers: YES. You'll all be glad to know that THE GREAT JEHOVAH'S awesome power, invested in me, will be used only to destroy HIS enemies - and for the good of all ye who accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior within the next twenty-four hours! Thermonuclear doom can be avoided, if ye repent and confess Christ! REPENT NOW! REPENT OR BE OBLITERATED!!! (sings)

                          A fiery Doom
                          Surely awaits
                          Those who flout
                          God's saving Grace

                          Repent, repent,
                          Or His fell Hand
                          Will lay to waste
                          This chosen land! (cackle)

Mitt Romney: I'm afraid we haven't time for this, General!

General Bonkers: (raving, holding up a cell phone) I'm on GOD'S TIME, you draft-dodger! Twenty-four hours!

 Ed Maelström: (offstage) I can't believe it! Bonkers is insane! Security, get that crazy bastard off the podium! Quick, get the dog out there to Mitt! The dog'll distract people's attention!

Seamus: (straining at the leash) Roof Roof Roof ROOF ROOF! Grrrrr! Grrrrrrrr...

Tom Brokeback: (News anchor voice over) There seems to be some commotion on the podium... Aww, now they're bringing out Mitt Romney's dog to share the applause! Beautiful Irish setter! Isn't that something?

Dawn Blather: (voice over) Yes wonderful dog it shows the candidate in such an appealing, human light, isn't this a nice--Oh, my gosh, he's foaming at the mouth! He's attacking Romney!

Mitt Romney: Ack, it's Seamus! I thought I had him destroyed!

General Bonkers: It's the BEAST in the Book of Revelation! Get thee behind me, Satan! DIE! DIE! DIE! (draws a K-Bar knife and flails it about)

Mitt Romney: (grabs a toddler to shield himself) Get away! Bad boy, Seamus!

Child's mother: He's got my Timmy! You monster! Give me back my baby!

Dawn Blather: (voice over) Golly. I ... I've never seen anything like this!

Tom Brokeback: (voice over) Well, I sure have. It's just like the ending of this movie The Dead Zone where Christopher Walken plays this psychic guy. See, there's this candidate who grabs a kid to save himself from a shooter, and this totally fucks his ... I mean the character, Stillson, is ... um, finished politically, after that.

Dawn Blather: (voice over) I didn't see it. But the Obama team will very likely see this er, event as an opportunity for the style of negative attack the public is so disenchanted with--and how Mitt Romney will respond to any such tactics remains remains of course to be seen...

Tom Brokeback: (voice over) Yuh, I can see it's gonna be a lot harder to keep up the pretense that there's a race after this. Maybe it's time to throw in th

(The TV monitor goes blank)

                                                        ~ THE END ~

                             

Note: There are two other Mitt Romney Musical Comedies, one about his Happy School Daze at Crambrute Academy,and one about the Smoke-Filled Room that gave General Bonkers the Vice Presidential nod.

Originally posted to revbludge on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 09:47 AM PDT.

Also republished by DKOMA, Progressive Hippie, Community Spotlight, and Indigo Kalliope.

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