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Today I got a fundraising letter on behalf of Mitt Romney quoting President Barack Obama:

Friend (that's what the Romney campaign always calls me, "Friend," it's a pet nickname they have for me, they gave it to me on a weekend antiquing/B&B trip, it's kind of cute--"Friend," my nickname for the Romney campaign is "Sugarboots," anyway:)

Friend--

President Obama recently said, "If you've got a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen."

Comments like that are a slap in the face to the American Dream and reveal the President's naïve view that government, and not the hard work, talent, and initiative of people, is the center of society and the economy. Clearly, this President doesn't understand how our economy works.

Now I want to make it clear that I do understand that the Romney campaign deliberately distorted the President's words (in order to deceive and infuriate entrepreneurs.) But I want you to know something else, something far more important.

The Romney campaign is right. I did build all that. By myself, and no one helped me. Especially not the government.
(CONTINUED)

What do I mean? I mean just what I said: I built everything. In my non-blogging capacity I am a practical, hard-headed businessman. I run Cole Dixon Publishing, LLC (which publishes and sells anti-Bachmann comics and merchandise.)

In other words, I am one of those private sector entrepreneurs (like Steve Jobs or Henry Ford or the guy who runs your local hardware store) without whom the rest of you would starve to death eating bugs because you're just idiot workers with no guts or talent or initiative.

Yes, you would. You and your family would die without me. I am irreplaceable, the GOP tells me so.

That road out in front of your home or apartment or hovel--do you realize that I did build that? Not the government, not the working people who had the picks and shovels. Just me, the author of this article. I built it myself, while you were sleeping or doing whatever it is you do under the covers at night.

I worked late and I built all those roads. I built all the airports, too. (Did you ever try to put in all the drywall that needs to go into an airport all by yourself, with no one to hold the ladder for you? Well, I did--and I did a damned good job, too. There's a damp spot up in the corner of the ceiling of the baggage claim area at the Lindbergh airport, but I'm going to patch that up next weekend.)

I invented the Internet, not the government. A lot of jerks will tell you that the Internet began as a result of US government investment and research in military communications. That's B.S.; it was my idea and my execution that brought about the internet. That's right, it was me: the private sector. And I invested the millions necessary to create the World Wide Web, not the US government. Now the truth can be told.

(Author's note) At this point I just want to make it clear here that this is satire. In the past I've seen individuals circulate my satirical work as if the sentiments expressed in pieces represent my actual worldview. It's very disappointing when that happens, so I feel have to run this disclaimer. Jesus.)

(Now back to the irony:)

I built everything. If a bulb in a traffic light in Mankato, Minnesota burns out--who do you think they call to go out and fix that? The government? HA. Don't make me laugh. It's me, the private sector, that has to take that call at five in the morning and drive all the way out there to get on that. And maybe I have to put out a fire or two on the way, maybe I have to pull over at a KwikMart on way home to deal with an attempted act of terrorism. You think it's the government that deals with that sh*t? You're brainwashed. It's me, the private sector entrepreneur. (I only get an hour and a half of sleep a night.)

So this economy would collapse if it wasn't for me. Anything involving government contracts to the private sector: I did that, too. The American taxpayers do not fund and maintain those payments to the private sector and create jobs in communities across the nation--I do.

Those are my billions that create those private sector economies. Not the federal money policy, not spending by Congress. It's all my money that creates the jobs. I spent very little on myself as a boy and I saved and I borrowed a little money from friends and I worked very hard--and by God, nowadays Greece and Spain are going to go under next week if I don't keep floating them.

Every job in the United States of America was created (directly or indirectly) by me, the private sector. I am the private sector and so help me I never take a dime from the government; if the government tried to offer me a contract funded by taxpayer dollars--I'd shoot 'em dead on the spot. I'm that principled.

I am a private sector businessperson, therefore I am a kind of God and you would surely die if I paid any more taxes (even though the taxes ultimately end up in the private sector as spending, thus stimulating and maintaining the economy and the businesses and creating the jobs. I know that, but you would be better off eliminating the middle man and sending your tax dollars directly to me.)

I'm not complaining for my own sake, I've done well for myself as a result of my hard work. (Right now an illegal Haitian immigrant house boy is lighting my cigar with a burning ten thousand dollar bill.) I just want to set the President of the United States straight and point out that I had absolutely no help in building the world economy--that I did it all myself, without workers or lenders or customers or government providing stimulus and infrastructure.

I did all that, and I'm sick and tired of everybody else trying to take credit for it. It's an Anglo-Saxon thing, you wouldn't understand. It was even harder for me to achieve all this, because I'm not even an Anglo-Saxon. Technically, I'm a sort of half-assed Celt. But you don't see me running around whining about "how the even whiter man is keeping me down."

I am a American entrepreneur and investor, I built this frigging world and everything in it and every job on it--and government and law and society and all the non-entrepreneur losers in the world had nothing to do with it. That is the message of Mitt Romney's Republican Party, and goddammit people should reward that worldview at the polls this fall.

And do you think anybody ever thanks me? Veterans get thank you parades, gays get parades--where the hell's my parade? You assholes better get a thank you parade together for me soon, or I might not come in for a couple of weeks (like Atlas Shrugged.) Then you'll be sorry.

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