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The 2012 Summer Olympic Games Opening Ceremony kicks off at 4:00 pm, Eastern and is expected to run three hours and promises to provide lively entertainment. The Queen will be in attendance and Paul McCartney has confirmed that he will close the show. The raising of the Olympic flag, the lighting of the Olympic cauldron and a firework display will no doubt bring us the lump in the throat and tear in the eye we've come to expect.
Let's all get warmed up for the weekend with some Olympic themed laughs.
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London . . .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in,
but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm
and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it
over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and
tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."
Some rejected Olympic Events:
The 100m Sleepwalk.
Synchronized Lawn Mowing
Crowd Surfing
Partners Figure Kayaking
Jet Ski Jousting
Bellyflop and Cannonball Diving Competition
Toe Wrestling
Cross Country Eating
Tongue Twister Sprint and Spray
Rock, Paper, Sissors
Staring Contest
Four-Wheeled Office Chair Races
Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest
.
Olympic Trivia
Gold medals haven't been pure gold in years. The 1912 Olympics was the last time that gold medals were solid gold. Ever since, they've been silver with gold plating.
In 1900, in France, winners got paintings instead of gold medals. Gold, silver and bronze medals weren't given out until the third modern Olympics in 1904. The French gave the winners paintings because they believed they were more valuable.
The Beijing Olympics, 2008, began at exactly 8:08:08 PM on 8/8/08 because the number 8 is considered lucky in China.
The Berlin Games in 1936 were the first games to be televised.
It wasn't until 1900 that women were allowed to participate in the Olympic Games.
In ancient times big sunhats were banned in the crowd, because they blocked other spectators' view.
The running track was 183m [200 yards] long. The Greeks called this measurement a stade - from which we get the word "stadium".
The early Olympic Games included competitions for trumpeters.
Rope Climbing took place in the following years: 1908 1924, 1932. Rudimentary gym skills were all it took to win Olympic gold in the early 20th century it appears, as this event basically consisted of shimmying up a rope.
Club Swinging occurred in 1904 and 1932. This consisted of swinging a club festooned with ribbons around your body and head. Strange but true.
Milo of Kroton, one of the greatest Ancient Olympic champions. He won the wrestling event 6 times, over a span of 34 years. [The famous wrestler Milo was said to train by carrying a calf every day. As the calf grew heavier, his muscles got stronger.]
Here are a few humorous double entrendres from various NBC sports commentators during the 2004 Summer Olympics: (Warning: These are pretty racy)
Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregorianva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during warm up and it was amazing.
Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak form personal experience since I once mounted her mother.
Paul Hamm, Gymnist: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
Boxing analyst: Sure there have been some injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really serious.
Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
Basketball analyst: He dribbles alot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.
Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?
That's all folks...well, except for this schedule of events I found for our convenience: London 2012 Olympic Schedule and where it happens. But, if you're like me, you are not there so maybe it will help to have a tv schedule: NBC Olympics. For the smart phone smarty pants among us: Watch the London Olympics Online: A guide to web video and mobile apps.
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