Day 1:
There are no zombies. The random assaults on people are due to Liberal values and the erosion of the family unit by homosexuals. This is all due to President Obama and every single Democrat in congress.
Day 4:
The CDC is a government funded organization. They get their money from liberal politicians and as such can not be depended on to speak honestly on the subject of mythical "Zombies". We need time for independent research to assess how private industry can come to solutions to the mass assaults that are going on.
Some say that this is fact the work of the "Black Bloc" group of OWS protestors, and Republican politicians are rightly banning large protests in order to stem the lawlessness, assaults on women and public cannibalism which are the hallmarks of this group.
(More coverage on the flip.)
Day 7:
Cyclical studies have shown that there are in fact large casualty events throughout history. Even recently, in 2004, tsunami's killed far more people than all of the mass assaults which have been occurring recently. Blaming the death toll on "Zombies" is hyperbole, which is sure to drive down investor confidence and prevent the economic recovery which has just gotten underway due to corporate confiscation of the homes of the eaten.
Day 10:
Corporations are perfectly within their rights to shoot so called "Survivors" on sight. Due to the large number of violent perpetrators on the streets, the emergency "Looter Shooter" law is well established to be merely an extension of the right of self defense. Private security companies are of course individuals, and an officer of said security company cannot be held liable for actions taken by a separate individual.
Day 14:
You know, Sarah, I just can't stand the people who stand outside the walls of our private compound moaning. You'd really think they'd get a hint and go home. It's clear that they just don't WANT to work. Bill over there is getting durn tired of shooting the ones who try begging to get in. These cries of "Zombie" and "Save Us" are just the continued cry of people who just don't want to work, and are looking for a hand out.
Day 30:
An independent think tank has confirmed the truth that there are no zombies, simply the lawless unemployed. Those that haven't joined the OWS "Black Bloc" group are actively involved in looting and wholesale theft of property. It's really the small business owner who suffers here. Here they are, having worked their whole life, and somebody claiming that they're starving goes and breaks into their business. I mean, just because they are out of business due to the state of emergency doesn't give these looters the right to just break into the place and take things.
Day 60:
We continue our coverage of the presidential election. Although President Obama continues to claim that fighting the mythical "Zombies" is the number one national priority, Governor Romney wants to know what he will do to stimulate the economy, and provide needed OWS related bailouts to the Military and Security forces, which are our only defense against the constant lawlessness...
(And so on... and so forth...)