The night of the Olympic opening ceremonies I posted a comment regarding the absence from the ceremonies of one of England’s most iconic pop culture figures, specifically Doctor Who.
It occurred to me that perhaps the good Doctor had in fact planned on being in attendance, having learned that The Master had regenerated in the form of Mitt Romney, but that after observing the Master in his Romney incarnation over the previous few days, the Doctor had realized that a glitch in the regeneration process had obviously rendered him incompetent and (mostly) harmless, and decided that his assistance was not required.
But maybe I’m wrong. Or perhaps maybe Mitt Romney is, in fact, a different Doctor Who nemesis. It is inarguable to anyone who has spent more than a few minutes listening to him that he is not of the human species, so what could he be?
Below the orange space/time vortex, I’ve compiled a partial list of possibilities, with both the pros and the cons for the likelihood of each one, and a poll. I know this site is teaming with Whovians, so I welcome your thoughts.
The Master. A fellow Time Lord, The Master has previously assumed the guise of England’s Prime Minister. Having been thwarted in that attempt, obtaining the office of President of the United States of America might be a logical next step.
Pros: As a Time Lord, possesses the ability to manipulate energy and matter that no Earthling has. This could explain Romney’s ability to create enormous wealth for himself without actually producing anything. Regeneration capabilities may aid in ability to instantaneously change policy positions whenever needed.
Cons: The Master is smart. Really smart. While he would easily be able to determine if a group of trees were in fact the right height, he would never be so stupid as to reveal his alien origins by sharing his observation with the very people he was planning to subjugate.
Cyberman: To me, the most immediately obvious possibility. The Cybermen were originally living humanoids who, over time, began to replace more and more of their body parts with machinery, until finally they were completely inorganic machines. If that doesn’t sound like Mitt Romney, I don’t know what does. A later re-imagining of the Cybermen indicated that their genesis was the work of a fabulously wealthy oligarch on a parallel Earth, who wished to obtain immortality.
Pros: Cold, ruthless, and completely devoid of human warmth and emotion.
Cons: Cybermen are disabled by gold, whereas Mitt Romney is energized by it. Both creation mythologies involve the services of scientists. Romney, as a Republican, doesn’t believe in science.
Dalek. The most infamous of the Doctor’s rivals, the Daleks have been thought to have been destroyed numerous times, always to pop up again to wreak havoc. In this way they are much like trickle down economics, tax cuts paying for themselves, “job creators” and the rest of Republican economic dogma. Evil organic creatures protected by a hard mechanized shell it may have been a gaffe of an entirely different nature than originally presumed when Mitt’s wife said that he needed to be “unzipped” so that the real Mitt could come out.
Pros: Single eyestalk gives limited tunnel vision, much like today’s conservatives. Armor plating perhaps derived from magic underwear? Cry of “Exterminate! Exterminate!” not terribly far removed from “I like being able to fire people.”
Cons: Although preternaturally evil, no Dalek has ever been known to strap a dog to the roof of any vehicle.
Auton: The Autons are animated plastic dummies. ‘Nuff said.
Pros: Did you hear me? They’re animated plastic dummies. Oh, and their hands fold down to reveal guns. Handy for shootin' varmints.
Cons: Autons have the ability to animate other objects. Mitt Romney doesn't have the ability to animate a rally of his own supporters.
Weeping Angel: As I've said many times in my DK signature, Republicans are like the Weeping Angels: Take your eyes off of them, and they'll send you back in time.
Pros: If ever there was an easy way to transport Americans back to before the New Deal, the labor movement, civil rights, women's rights, and all the accomplishments of progressives, the Weeping Angels top an activist Supreme Court and a bought-and-paid-for news industry outright.
Cons: Although Romney may move as though he's made of stone, the fact that he does manage to move at all while people are looking at him would seem to preclude him being a member of this race.
Sontaran: A race of squat bellicose warriors, Sontarans are eager to start wars wherever and whenever possible. In this regard they are the universe’s premiere version of Romney's neo-con laden foreign policy staff.
Pros: All Sontarans have single syllable names, such as Mitt, Ann, Tagg, Matt, Ben, and Craig.
Cons: Sontarans are all of a warrior class. Mitt Romney is of a class that sends the sons and daughters of other classes to fight wars on their behalf.
Abzorbaloff: Abzorbalovians are creatures from the planet Clom who are able to effectively disguise themselves as human beings. They sustain themselves by simply touching another creature and literally absorbing it into themselves.
Pros: Feeding process much like Bain Capital’s business plan. Clom sounds suspiciously similar to Kolob.
Con: Abzorbaloff actually possesses a clever wit. “Tastes like chicken,” he once remarked after absorbing a person into himself. Romney’s idea of wit is to pretend that a group of waitresses grabbed his ass.
So there you have it: My candidates for which Doctor Who villain Mitt Romney might actually be. Please cast your votes below, and contribute your own thoughts in the comments section. Allons-y!