On Wednesday Aug. 1, Christians nationwide rushed to fast-food chain Chick-fil-A to express their inherent, Christian, moral superiority over gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Americans. The day, organized by Southern Baptist minister, Mike Hucakbee was so successful, the company has announced it will be embracing it as a regular part of their marketing plan.
The new "Hater Wednesday" series will feature a rotating schedule of heretics and outcasts that white, heterosexual, Christian customers will be invited to share their mutual dislike and disapproval of while slowly killing themselves with high-fructose corn syrup.
In a statement, Chick-fil-A said, "It's clear there is an appetite for Americans to come together and express their deep and heartfelt dislike and pious hostility for their fellow Americans over a chicken sandwich and waffle fries. This is an appetite Chick-fil-A intends to fully satisfy going forward."
The first Wednesday will continue to celebrate heterosexual supremacy over gays, but Chick-fil-A is also branching out. The second Wednesday is "You're a dirty heathen day" which will celebrate Christian superiority over Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Wiccans, atheists and others by reminding them God will also be sending them all to burn in Hell with the homos. The third will be "You look illegal day" where customers can share a strawberry shake and their deep resentment that Latino Americans have, in the words of Chick-fil-A's press release, "invaded and bankrupted the country and taken Americans' jobs."
"No one should be surprised. Chick-fil-A is a Christian company, and we're guided by Biblical principles. The Bible is quite clear that women have no place challenging the authority of men. Genesis 3:16 says: 'Unto the woman He said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.'To that end, news broke last week of Chick-fil-A's corporate policy of forcibly transitioning their female workers into the more Biblically-appropriate role of "stay-at-home moms."
It's become entirely too common for women to behave as though they are the equal of men. It's not what God wants for this nation, to be run by women serving in Congress and the Senate, even the Secretary of State's office. What's next? A woman president? It's ungodly! It's not politically correct, I know, but I'm not afraid to say, these independent women must be stopped before we invite the judgment of God on the nation. Does that make me anti-feminist? Guilty as charged."
Chick-fil-A also announced they will be holding internet contest to see what other American groups should be added to the roster. Cathy said, "We know there's a lot of dislike, anger and distrust among Americans for their fellow citizens and, as Wednesday showed, stirring it up presents a terrific opportunity for Chick-Fil-A to sell more waffle fries."
"Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful."—Molly Ivins