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Only the finest intellectual properties have been looted in the making of this parody.

Act I: Of Birchers Are Birthers Born

Pregrovel:

[Cue Overture]
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[Cut musical score] Two clips in Act I run long. If you see this stage direction, stop the YouTube playback.

This first link plays an instrumental overture as Act I is about to start. Other links will play the song being parodied.

[bracketed italics] Stage directions
bolded words are song lyrics

Act II

Act III

Mitt! The Musical

by Quicklund MMXII

[Cue Overture] (If you have not already done so.)

Any resemblence between the characters in this parody and any persons or lifelike automotons, living or dead, is a miracle.

The Players

The Kingbee Family
Mitt, a golem.
Ann, a wife.
The Drones (This, That, A, Another, Thefat) sons
John, a former ambassador and distant cousin from out of state. cough.

The Major Key Chorus
Ixnay Brothers (Karl, Grover) political advisors.
Onay Brothers (Senator, Representative) machine politicians.
Amscray Brothers (David, Charles) wealthy machinists.

the minor key chorus
Lenil Twins (Michelle, Richard) presidential candidates?
Rick and the Family Ranch (Rick, Herman, Newt) yes, presidential candidates.
Ron Crack, a galtpot

The Help
Senator Mavis Richard "Mav" McMaverick, a former Presidential candidate
A Tall Caucasian Man Wearing A Blue Suit, a debate moderator
The Media, an estate, 4th or whatever it is
The Enablers Assosciation, base ranks and files
Get Your Bible Thumpin', une troupe des danseuers

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
Act I:

Of Birchers Are Birthers Born

Scene I

[Curtain rveal to smoke-filled richly appointed drawing room. The walls are paneled with hardwood, the furniture antique, the armchairs overstuffed to the point of screaming. Six tuxedoed men quaff brandy and smoke cigars. Their conversation is subdued. An antique grandfather's clock chimes twelve times.]

Karl Ixnay: Well, that's that. Another Inauguration Day

Grover Ixnay: Brother, you mean another one down the drain.

Senator Onay: Well now. Hold on a moment there Grover. I'm not saying you're wrong...

Representative Onay: [cutting in] Are you sure about that? Because it sounds like you're saying he's wrong.

SO: Representative Onay, sir, do you mind?

[RO's lower lip begins trembling. He turns sideways in his chair]

SO [sighs, shakes his head] Gentlemen. The point I labor to make is, opportunity knocks upon our door.

Charles Amscray [phlegmly]: How so, Senator Onay?

SO: Well sir, the last four years, they did not pay out so well four our side. Certainly the first four years went gangbusters. But these last four...

David Amscray [nodding]: I don't get it.

KI: I see what you're getting at. We hang this recession on Obama. That sets us up for 2012.

SO: Spot-on Mr Ixnay. In ordinary circumstances we'd be shut out of the Oval Office until at least 2016. Maybe later. After these last four years...

GI: Eh. That's what you call good news? Four years is a long time from now. [voice rising] Our taxes are scheduled to go up in 2010, for God's sake!

SO: Whoa. Slow down there Grover and let me finish. Our taxes aren't going up.

GI: No?

SO: No sir. Representative Onay, would you care to do the honors?

RO [retuns handkerchief to breast pocket, stands] It will be my pleasure Senator Onay. Grover, we're are going to keep our taxes they way we like them, balanced. Balanced on the back of Joe Sixpack, that is.

[Cue musical score]

RO: And how do we keep our balance?. That I can tell you in one word:

OBSTRUCTION!

Obstruction!  Obstruction!  Obstruction!
Obstruction!  Obstruction!  Obstruction!

[Cut musical score]

CA: Don't shout man.

DA [nodding]: Obstruction?

SO: Yes sir, obstruction. Mr Ixnay mentioned a perfect example. That Obama promised to end Bush's tax cuts. He campaigned on it. So our job is to ensure those tax cuts remain.

GI: Damn straight!

RO: And in a similar manner we obstrtuct every single bit of legislation the Democrats propose. We'll slow things to a crawl.

SO: We turn this recession into Obama's depression.

RO: My brother and I have already caucused with our members. We can do this.

GI: So... taxes don't go up?

KI: But it's only half of the equation.

[Heads slowly swing towards Chalres Amscray. He takes a thoughtful draw on his cigar.]

DA [nodding]: What equation?

CA: [stands, pats David on the shoulder] The equation of pain.Economic pain. Hmm? The equations of pain, and envy.

KI [cutting in]: And fear.

CA: Yes Mr Ixnay. Fear. The equation of stampeding a panicked herd off a cliff, and then harvesting their meat.

DA [nodding]: I see. Meat sells well during a recession.

CA: I'm very fond of you David. We're all inspired by your heroic efforts to keep up.  What we shall do, David, is use our money and influence to sabotage the American economy.

SO: Combine that with our foot-dragging in DC...

RO: Voters will take it on the chin.

KI: They'll pin the blame on that one. Obama.

DA: [nodding]: And then they'll vote us in!

CA: By George, I think he's got it!

[The MKC pause, as though waiting for something to happen. The moment passes.]

GI: Hey, taxes don't go up; count me in. But come on! It's a global economy. Some boom will break out somewhere and sweep through America. We'll be back to 5% unemployment before you know it and then where will we be be? [voice rising] Slaves to a bunch of tax-and-spend...

CA: [cutting in] Easy there Mr Ixnay. Small as those risks may be, we needn't run them.

GI: Huh?

CA: Think globally, Grover.

SO: Globally? What do you have in mind?

CA: Well, for instance we should reach out to London's LIBOR board.

RO: Uhg. Those LIBOR ... guys ... are a bunch of .... parasitic ... barnacles!

Ixnay Brothers: Barnacles?

DA [nodding]: Charles! Don't you know a LIBOR barnacle?

CA: Why yes. Yes I do know a LIBOR barnacle.

[Cue musical score - The LIBOR Barnacle's Song]

[A door stage right opens. In marches a dapper man wearing a pin-striped suit, bowler hat, and a magnificent handlebar mustache.]

Amscray Brothers: Yes yes! He is a LIBOR barnacle

[The visitor doffs his hat, bows.]

Lying LIBOR Barnacle: Yes yes! I am a LIBOR barnacle

I am the very model of a lying LIBOR barnacle
I've information financial, voluble, and valuable
Unlike the Queen of England I've prestige ecumenical
From Singapore to Timbuktu I've prescience that is vatical

I'm very well acquainted too, with power plays political
I understand connivance, both the private and the communal
On corking a recovery I'm teeming with ability
With many cheerful chocks and blocks to ensure fiscal stagnancy

Major Key Chorus:

With many cheerful chocks and blocks to ensure fiscal stagnancy
With many cheerful chocks and blocks to ensure fiscal stagnancy
With many cheerful chocks and blocks to ensure fiscal stagnancy

LLB

I'm quite the chap for compounded and libidnious interests
I know the true surnames of royal regents usurporicious
In short, in matters financial, voluble, and valuable
I am the very model of a lying LIBOR barnacle

MKC:

In short, in matters financial, voluble, and valuable
He is the very model of a lying LIBOR barnacle

LLB:

I've delved the secret intrigues of Westminster's und auf Bundestag
I bugger rebel Chechens and I know where all the graves are dug
Well versed is me in history, colonial and empiric
On a dozen shores I enable kleptocracy vampiric

My nose rejects Shalini for Jean Patou or Eau d’Hadrien
I can swear in ways guaranteed to offend French Canadiens
Rep tape unravels for me with celerty that's Olympical
But out of mind I can't force tunes from this satiric musical.

MKC:

But out of mind I can't force tunes from this satiric musical.
But out of mind I can't force tunes from this satiric musical.
But out of mind I can't force tunes from this satiric musical.

LLB:

I have indexed files of tantric amour extracurricular
In blackmail I enact in-betweens unfathomly circular
In short, in matters financial, voluble, and valuable
I am the very model of a lying LIBOR barnacle

MKC:

In short, in matters financial, voluble, and valuable
He is the very model  of a lying LIBOR barnacle

LLB:

In fact, when I know what is meant by 'forbearance' and 'bonhomie'
When I consider ethic with Biblionic fidelity
When with affairs like passbooks and mortgages I'm more cleverer
And when I know precisely what is meant by 'serve the customer'

When I have learnt to speak of benefiting man with fluency
When I percieve priority in metrics that aren't currency
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental humanity
You'll say a better LIBOR barnacle best be sat presently

MKC:

You'll say a better LIBOR barnacle best be sat presently
You'll say a better LIBOR barnacle best be sat presently
You'll say a better LIBOR barnacle best be sat presently

LLB:

For my fiscal knowledge, though I'm lucky with whom I tea
Is really quite useless you are banking on conspiracy
But still, in matters financial, voluble, and valuable
I am the very model of a lying LIBOR barnacle

MKC:

But still, in matters financial, voluble, and valuable
He is the very model of a lying LIBOR barnacle

[The LLB produces an oversized meerschaum pipe, strikes a match off a nearby bust of Churchill, and marches offstage to great applause from the MKC.]

[Cut musical score - The LIBOR Barnacle's Song]

SO: Well then. Only one piece of the puzzle left. Who is our man? Who do we install in that ol' Oval Office?

KI: It's not a hard choice to make. We must back Mitt Kingbee.

RO: Mitt Kingbee? What's Plan B? [realizes what he said, starts to laugh]

DA: [nodding to Charles] Our Pops didn't get along so well with his dad George.

CA: [to David] Mitt's not like George. Mitt knows how to play ball.

GI: Plan B? I don't even want to think about Plan B.

[Curtain]

-

Scene II

[Curtain reveal to a lavishly appointed room in a private home .A long spotless white couch is against the rear wall. Five youngish - meh - men sit at various places in the room. They are all dressed identically in sky blue button-down shirts, white belts, and kkhaki trousers. The men face towards the largest armchair in the room where sits the family patrician. He is dressed in a dark blue tailored suit. An unitellible muttering of stagetalk dies out as the elder man rises from his chair.]

[Cue musical score - Forever A Lender]

This Kingbee: Father, my Bugatti has been made ready for me.    

Mitt Kingbee: A mornent, my sons, for I have something to tell you.    

That Kingbee: But we ask only for our allowances.    

MK: Ah, but I shall give you something far more valuable: Inside advice.    

A Kingbee:  Do you know how much snow you can buy in Gestaad with advice?    

MK: Gestaad is a wild and wicked town. And you are but a single and heterosexual young man.

Another Kingbee [to That] Oh, could I tell him a few stories.  

MK: Heed my words, young Kingbees, and you’ll make bank.    

Thefat Kingbee: If we don't listen we won't get any spending money. So let's listen, let's listen

MK::

Forever a borrower and a lender be,      
Never regret, running up debt.
Earn twice, and take this good advice from me
Plunder insolvency.
Lev'rage then sell the debt, liquid for you
To thine own self be true.    

[Ann Kingbee enters the room trailed by the MKC. Ann joins her husband and they put their arms around one another's waist. The Kingbees face their visitors and sing in unison.]

Kingbee Family:    

Forever a borrower and a lender be,      
Never regret, running up debt.
Earn twice, and take this good advice from me
Plunder insolvency.

MK:

The right hand does not pay, debt left hand did
When the rules have been rigged!

AK: Quiet boys. Mitt. Say hello to your guests. I'll go make some sugar and spice cookies.

[AK exits. The MKC and the Kingbee men shake hands.]

CA: Mitt, we all wish you luck on your upcoming Presidential run.

DA [nodding]: We sure do.

MK: Gosh. Thanks fellas.

CA Yes, a-hem! Yes, we do. It's just... Karl?

KI: It's just... You know how this goes.

MK The vetting.

KI: The vetting.With your connections to Wall Street, in general...

GI: [cutting in] With your investment shop Bain, specifically...

RO [cutting in] Specifially a certain Senator, a certain Senator McMaverick who passed you over as his running mate.

MK: Golly; how did that work out for him by the way?

SO: My brother didn't mean anything by it Mitt. You know how these things are.

MK [presses a hidden button. sound cue: "click"] Jeepers, I sure do. Frankly, I'm glad you brought this up..[to The Drones] Boys?

[The couch along the back wall splits in half and rotates back and apart. A stage riser slides forward from the wall to take its place. Endtables at either side of the couch rise up in air to reveal tall speaker stacks. Light fixtures ratchet up and out of sight. Strobing colored spotlights banks descend to take their place. From vents unseen a misty fog starts to fill the room. A Kingbee hands Mitt a microophone. The rest of the Kingbees drone the iinstruments onstage.]

[Cue musical score - Retroactive]

MK:

Well don't be uptight
It's unattractive
Bain will prove no blight
Cause I'm retroactive
Retroactive

Ownership is might
Ten-Forties captive
My alabi's airtight
Cause it's retroactive
Retroactive

I want to play for you
Dye sideburns gray for you baby
Serve pork entrees to you
And I want you to know

Must coordinate
Our plans distractive
To hide my tax rate
Back retroactive
Retroactive

Retroactive
Retroactive

I want to play for you
Dye sideburns gray for you
Serve pork entrees to you
And I want you to know

Must coordinate
Our plans distractive
To hide my tax rate
Back retroactive oh yeah
Decades oh yeah retroactive

Don't you look
Don't look too close
You might catch me

Don't look too close
Retroactive
Retroactive
[repeats]

[The fog builds up and stage rear lighting dims. The Kingbees receed from sight as the music fades. The MKC pantomime applause.]

[Curtain]

-

Scene III

[Curtain reveal to the richly appointed drawing room from Scene I. The Major Key Chorus are back to their cigars and brandy.]

CA: Well, hrumph! To the nuts and bolts gentlemen.

RO: As I said, Senator Onay and I have our people on board.

DA [nodding]:  Ditto the boys over at the C of C.

SO: All well and good. But how do we, in the words of our next President, 'coordinate our plans distractive'?

[All heads turn toward the Ixnays]

GI [with a rare smile]: Three words: Taxed enough already?

CA [puzzled]: Of course I am.

GI: We'll let's do something about that.

KI: Fake third party.

SO: Perhaps you gentlemen ought best start again.

KI: We gin up a supposed third party and use them to... to just raise holy hell basiclly. And the name of this party?

GI: Taxed Enough Already. T-E-A.

KI: Let's throw a tea party!

[guffaws, cries of 'by George']

GI: For what's really ...  a nominal investment ...[passes some papers to the Amscrays] we can fund this Tea Party.

CA: [hrumphing] But why? Why should we create another opponent?

KI: Deniability.Throwing sand. These won't be opponents. They'll be our voters wrapped up in a differnt package. Look, the idea is obstruction, right? We need to anger up our base.

GI: Red meat. Dripping. Playing ALL the cards.

SO: Sir, you're not just whistling Dixie there.

KI: All without our hands getting dirty You know . [airquotes] 'This isn't about parties. This is grassroots America talking!' If you follow me.

SO: I do follow you Mr Ixnay sir. Millions of angry voices will give my brother and I political cover. The political cover needed to gum up the works well and good.

DA [nodding]: At a reasonable expense.

RO: Do we really need to go though all this?. Have any of you heard the phrase, 'hoist with his own petard'?

KI: No

CA: No

SO: No

GI: No

DA [nodding]: No

[RO's lower lips starts trmbling. He turns sideways in his chair.]

CA: So, we are agreed? Mitt Kingbee's a winner?

[Cue musical score - The Brain of Bain]

KI: The Brain of Bain maintains he can campaign

DA [nodding]: What was that?

KI: The Brain of Bain maintains he can campaign

CA: Again

KI: The Brain of Bain maintains he can campaign

CA: I think he's got it! I think he's got it!

Onay Bothers: The Brain of Bain maintains he can campaign

CA: By George, he's got it! George's boy's got it! Now, once again who can campaign?

SO: The big brain!
RO: Behind Bain!

CA: What shall not whirl down the drain?

KI: His campaign!
GI: For which you're payin'!

MKC: The Brain of Bain unstained he must remain

CA: Bravo!

MKC: The Brain of Bain unstained he must remain

CA: In Panama,  Praetoria, and Appenzell?

DA: Papertrails perish prematurely. How kind of you to wash Mitt's dough!

CA: Now once again, what must abstain?

OB Pain from stain! Pain from stain!

CA: From where comes that blasted stain?

IB: From Bain! From Bain!

MKC:  Our aim to reign, shall plainly not be vain
The Brain of Bain shall braizenly campaign!

[The MKC dance about for a few seconds, colapse into their chairs, exhausted.]

RO: [to no one in particular] No one could have seen that number coming.

KI: [ignoring RO]  Looks like we've got our man.

GI:[panting] I hope so. I don't even want to think about Plan B

[Curtain]

[Intermission]

Go to Act II

Originally posted to Quicklund on Mon Aug 06, 2012 at 03:28 PM PDT.

Also republished by National Parody Administration.

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