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Ok, governor, first, as soon as you enter the store, you need to get either a shopping cart or a shopping basket. That's where you are going to put all your purchases. Even though you are only getting a few things, it would probably be best to get the cart. Yeah, just go with the cart. Now you just need to--

Uh, no, the cart is not hard to use; you just push it with your hands. It’s not electric or anything. It’s not like a golf cart. Oh, yeah, I forgot—there are a few electric, sit-down carts. Do not use one of those! Those are used by the elderly or anyone else who might have a hard time walking around the store. Just stick with the regular carts. They sorta look like metal cages on wheels.

Ok? Ok. Now, food items are usually arranged in aisles according to what type of food they are. So, dairy products, for example, are grouped together, as is meat, etc, etc. Same with paper products. All in one aisle. Now, all you need to do is casually push your cart around the store looking for the items. Stores don’t all have the same layout. Some have the produce on the left, some have it on the right. This is normal! Do not panic at all. Just act casually, like you are taking a casual stroll in the park. Sorry, like you are taking a walk around the grounds of one of your houses. Anyway, they have signs above each aisle or section that tell you what’s there. Just look at them to guide you. Now—

No, no. The stores aren’t that large! You will do fine with those cage carts. Do not use those sit-down things! With all due respect, governor, it would look utterly ridiculous if you rode around on one of those sit-down carts. Again, the stores aren’t that large. You should be able to do it all on foot.  

Ok, now, if you have a hard time finding an item in the store, do not panic. Just ask an employee to direct you to that item. This is very normal. Do not threaten to fire them if they don't direct you to that item. They will. It's totally normal. Actually, I really should stress this: Do not threaten to fire anyone in the store for whatever reason. They will be very friendly with you and will try their best to help. Even though it is your first time in a supermarket, no one knows that. They won’t mock you or anything.  

Now, you're gonna have to pay for these items. You are aware of that, right? Ok, ok, I thought so. Anyway, when you have all the items in your cart, just proceed to the checkout area, where the cash registers are. There are various types of lines here. Go to the one that has an actual person behind the register. Make very sure that you do not go to the self check-out lines. That, that...would just be a... a total  disaster... They are very complicated. Just go to the line with an actual human there and you’re fine.  

There are various ways to pay, but you’re going to pay with cash. That is the easiest. And if the cashier asks if you would like to make a small donation to a charity or something, just tell them, “No, fuck you!” And then you are set. Just leave the store pushing the cart to your car.

Update: Thanks all for the recs! Very nice to lose my rec list virginity!

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