Cast:
Romney Hood, a wealthy tax dodger
Allen-a-West, an insane ideologue
Friar Sheldon Schmuck, a bloated old gambling magnate
Little John Boehner, a stooge
Will Charlatan, a PR consultant
Piers Plowman, a working stiff
The Nut-Brown Maid, a service-sector employee
Everyman, one of you people
Refalca, a crack steed
Scene 1: The Mead-Hall of Castle Bain. Sir Romney doth bemoan the terrible injustice in the realm. He complayneth to divers associates that the peasant class beareth not the entire tax burden to support their betters. The Law still requireth the Nobles to pay taxes. This is not right.
Romney Hood: (fuming) Nay! It's wrong! The Nobles should pay NO taxes and their inferiors should pay the whole shebang, OR THERE IS NO GOD!
Little John Boehner: Politics is useless! At least we've succeeded there.
Romney Hood: Why can't we just rob the poor outright? What are they gonna do—call the authorities?
Little John Boehner: We ARE the authorities!
All: AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Will Charlatan: This could work, PR-wise. If Romney jacked people's actual wallets, it'd look like he had SOME spine, anyways!
Little John: Then let us repair to the greenwood and cut purses!
Romney Hood: I'm in. All agreed?
Friar Schmuck: I'm in. But what says good Allen-a-West? (giggle)
Allen-a-West: Poor Tom's a-cold! I see England, I see France, I see magic underpants! I see dead people! Yo, Newt, wassup? I see Communists peeping out of my wife's blouse!
Romney Hood: I take that as a definitive yes! To Sherwood Forest! Away!
Allen-a-West: Nay, not till I do my song-and-dance routine! (sings)
In days of old (Poor Tom's a-cold!)
When knighthood was in blossom
Bold Romney Hood took to the wood
With his Merry Pals so awesome.
He and his men, some five or ten
A mighty oath they swore:
To e'er defend, unto the end
The Rich, and screw the Poor!
To rob the Yobs and pay the Nobs
Shall be our valiant mission,
And Friar Schmuck's got bags of bucks
To smear the opposition!
So off we roll to rob the prole,
In Sherwood's glades unknown,
For in our mind, of all mankind,
We love the Rich alone!
All: Huzza! You're a credit to our Merry Band!
Refalca: (snort)
All:
We're rich... old Men in Tights!
We're forming a band to ravage the land, out of spite!
We're rich... old Men in Tights!
We'll rob from the Poor and give to the Rich, that's right!
When they try to tax us,
We'll break every law,
We'll scratch and we'll claw, and we'll bite!
We're rich.... old Men in Tights!
Always on guard, defending the wealthy's rights!
(They do a can-can. Friar Schmuck twirls his feather boa)
Scene 2: NOW turn we unto Romney Hood and hys Merrie Men that hath hidden long in a great forest. They hove under an oak around a campfire, holding ye sticks with ye burnt marshmallows.
Will Charlatan: This. totally. bloweth. Mosquitoes, no AC, no cable ... The hell with Anglo-Saxon culture. I can't wait for the Mormans to invade this shithole.
Little John Boehner: The Normans, you nitwit!
Friar Schmuck: Mormans, Normans, Roger Cormans, who gives a crap? Where's the table-dancers I ordered?
Romney Hood: (peevishly) Where'd this paté come from—Stop 'n' Go?
Allen-a-West: Poor Tom's a-cold.
All:
Romney Hood, Romney Hood,
This has not been fun!
Romney Hood, Romney Hood,
Boehner has the runs!
Camping's unpleasant,
I'm scared of peasants!
Romney Hood, Romney Hood, Romney Hood!
Romney Hood: If I'd known banditry involved HARDSHIP, I'd never have suggested—I mean, Little John, this was YOUR idea, not mine.
Little John Boehner: MINE? It was Will Charlatan's idea to take to the woods.
Will Charlatan: I distinctly remember it was Friar Schmuck's idea.
Friar Schmuck: The hell it...
Allen-a-West: Fie, Foe, and Fum! Dick Cheney doth come! Prepare for the Phantom Lord!
(They freeze in terror. Enter Piers Plowman, Everyman, and the Nut-Brown Maid with a picnic basket)
Romney Hood: No, it's just the Very Poor! Rob them, Merry Men! ... I'll supervise.
Little John: (drawing a bow and arrow) Stand and...uh, deliver, you people. Varlets.
Piers Plowman: Look, it's some old rich geezers playing Robin Hood!
Everyman: Chuff off, you tossers!
The Nut-Brown Maid: Arseholes. Gerroff out of it!!
Little John: Oh help, it's a scary Nut-Brown Person! Tho' in mortal fear, I shall stand my ground.
(His arrow strikes Friar Schmuck, who keels over, crushing Will Charlatan)
Romney Hood, Allen-a-West, Little John:
Run away, run away!
Piers Plowman, Everyman, the Nut-Brown Maid:
Romney Hood, Romney Hood,
Run, you bastards run!
Romney Hood, Romney Hood,
Stick a fork, you're done!
You "ruling classes"
Can just kiss our asses!
Romney Twitt (what a shit!) Romney Twitt!
~THE END~