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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

[Blat Blat!!! Ahoooo-gah!!!]

>>> ATTENTION REPUBLICANS <<<

The National Waffler Service has issued a Mitt Romney Base Abandonment WATCH in the following area: the gays...

The Romney campaign’s decision to duck the Chick-fil-A controversy over gay-marriage appears to have reopened old wounds with social conservatives, who were never fully sold that the former Massachusetts governor would represent their concerns in the marbled halls of Washington. “This is the most disheartened that certainly I’ve felt looking at this entire race,” said Catholic League president Bill Donohue. He told Newsmax in an exclusive interview that social conservatives will now have to decide whether to sit out the race.
A Mitt Romney Base Abandonment Watch means that conditions are favorable for Mitt Romney to back away from his "severely conservative" positions---including those on LGBT rights---by increasingly desperate leaps and bounds. This could especially affect the rabid, radical, extremist, bigoted wing of the GOP base. Or, as it's better known: the GOP base.

Guys looking at a radar
The National Waffler Service team is working 24/7
to track potential Romney flip-flops. (Nice ass!)
Should an actual base abandonment occur, the appropriate warning will be issued. Please note that these conditions may be accompanied by additional damaging flip flops, memory lapses, gaffes, blunders, "hot mic moments," bewilderment at the sight of everyday objects (including "groceries" and "hardware stuff"), and attempts at humor followed by condescending "HehHehHehs" that come uncomfortably close to sounding like George W. Bush.

Republicans who feel a sense of despair, disappointment, heartburn and/or outrage that Mitt Romney is the GOP nominee should understand that these feelings are normal and will never go away.

Republicans are urged to stay tuned to the National Waffler Service for updates, instructions, and links to the nearest online "Chris Christie in 2016" support shelter.

Now back to your regularly-scheduled blogging. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 9, 2012

Note: I think they should start using unmarked fire trucks, because then they can sneak up and catch the blazes off-guard.  As usual, I'll waive my emergency services consulting fee out of love of country.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Bill Clinton's 66th birthday: 10
Days 'til the Pittston Tomato Festival in Pennsylvania: 7
Number of re-opened U.S. felony investigations that have resulted in exoneration since 1989: 901
Average number of years each exonerated felon spent in prison: 11
(Source: Harper's Index)
Increase in U.S. worker productivity for the April-June period: 1.6%
(Source: Labor Dept.)
Shades of grey the average human eye can detect: 500
(Source: Parade)

U.S. Olympic Medal Count: Gold: 34  Silver: 22  Bronze: 25  Chocolate: 594

Marvin Hamlisch Medal Count: Oscars: 3  Emmys: 4  Grammys: 4 Tonys: 1  Pulitzers: 1  Golden Globes: 3

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

What is most striking to me every time I visit this country is how much more Canadians know about the United States and the rest of the world than many Americans do. Because they are generally less provincial than we are and certainly pay more attention to world news, they are acutely aware of how much the Bush administration has increased anti-Americanism around the globe. That's why so many of them are stupefied at the idea he might be re-elected -- they perceive him as having done great harm to his own country.

So, here I am trying to explain to these politely astonished people how Americans could vote for George W. Bush. Some days are much tougher sledding than others.
---August, 2004

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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Oh Jeeves! Don’t forget the umbrella in my daiquiri this time or I'll replace you with Albert Nobbs!"

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CHEERS to one small step for a cardiovascular system, one giant leap for staying alive.  My brother-in-birth-date, Neil Armstrong, underwent heart surgery Tuesday.  I held his hand the entire time and I'm happy to report that he's

Neil Armstrong in his flight suit
Armstrong in his hospital gown
…"doing great" after undergoing cardiac bypass surgery, his wife Bill in Portland Maine reported.  …  Armstrong, who lives in the Cincinnati area and just celebrated his 82nd birthday, went to the hospital on Monday for a stress test.  He flunked, and on Tuesday, surgeons bypassed four blockages in his coronary arteries.  His wife Bill in Portland Maine reports that his spirits are high, and the doctors expect no problems with his recovery.
They would have operated sooner, but it was a bitch finding donors with blood type Tang-Positive.

JEERS to compromise, Republican-style.  I'm getting a kick out of seeing Maine's establishment Republicans making a Quixotic effort to talk their brand of sense into the Ron Paul supporters, who won the state's delegates to the party convention in Tampa fair and square.  Their current tactic is to plaster on a smile and offer a shitty deal that they hope the Paulites will be dumb enough to accept.  Get a load of what their idea of a fair-and-balanced offer is.  It would:

…strip them of their voices as elected delegates by requiring them to sign a "binding pledge" to support Romney if Paul is not listed as an official candidate at the convention. … The compromise would also have handed over the right to formally announce Maine's votes at the convention to Gov. Paul LePage or [state party chair Charlie] Webster rather than [Paul delegate Brent] Tweed.  Delegates would have been prohibited from criticizing Romney---or speaking positively of President Obama---in public.
Toss the First Amendment in the trash?  It's okay if you're a Republican stomping around in a vat of sour grapes.  And in return, what would the Paulites get?  Judging by the sound of their paper shredder, not enough.  The inter-party fracas continues.  Squee.


Sun
John Boehner's nipple in tanning booth
JEERS to going the Full Venus.  How hot was it in the United States during July (or as they say down south, "JOO-lah")?  It was hotter than John Boehner's nipples in a tanning booth.  It was hotter than the steam coming out of Sarah Palin's ears when she found out she'd been dissed by Dick Cheney.  It was so hot that a popular protest movement changed its name from Occupy Wall Street to Occupy The Dairy Case At Kroger.  It was so hot that Pat Robertson began telling his flock that unrepentant sinners would start being re-routed to fry for eternity in Oklahoma.  Yeah…it was that hot.  August promises more heat.  Even worse, more bad metaphors.

CHEERS and JEERS to the "Fat Man."  67 years ago, on August 9, 1945, three days after the first atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, we dropped a second nuke on Nagasaki.  The bad news: it killed 74,000 people and caused unspeakable damage that lingers to this day.  The good news: there was no third one.

CHEERS to redrawing a line in the dirt.  On August 9, 1842, the U.S. and Canada peaceably resolved their border dispute with the signing of the Webster-Ashburton Treaty:

Giant lobster
Pass the butter.
The border was fixed with the disputed territory divided between the two nations. The British acquired the Halifax-Quebec road route they desired. Also, as a result of this treaty, portions of the US-Canada border were adjusted so as to give the US negligibly more land to the north.
But not all is happy between us and our normally-genial neighbors to the north.  In fact, we’re fighting with 'em over something more serious than a silly ol' border: namely, lobster prices.  It's become so heated, in fact, that Senator Olympia Snowe is involved and has called in Hillary Clinton for backup.  There's only one way to settle this with Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird: pincer claws at dawn.

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Five years ago in C&J: August 9, 2007

JEERS to them infrastructure blues.  It's been a week since the I-35 bridge collapsed in Minnesota, and there's good and bad news.  Good news: bridge inspectors all over the country---including here in Maine---are giving their spans emergency checkups.  Bad news: sales of the Brooklyn Bridge to gullible tourists are down 60 percent.

JEERS to Dan Gerstein.  Joe Lieberman's little arf-arf talks stupid in an otherwise cool article by McClatchy on how liberalism is making a comeback. This is a Very Serious Person speaking:

"One area where the party has unfortunately moved left is on national security. ... There is a real danger that, in voicing our opposition to the war in Iraq, it will come across as weakness on fighting terror."
Got that?  If we simply embrace that which is distracting us from fighting the real terrorists, we'll be perceived as being strong on terrorism.  (And if we all start shitting on the sidewalk we'll strike a blow for sanitation!)  This man must be sedated, tagged, and airlifted to the furthest ice floe from civilization.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the life of Mr. Mellow.  Seventeen (Gah! Seventeen!!!) years ago today, Grateful Dead icon Jerry Garcia died at a Northern California residential drug treatment center.  He was felled by a heart attack at 53. Or, as I like to say, too effing young:

The Dead used their global influence to advance environmental concerns like saving the rainforest as well as other charitable causes. As the band's patriarch, Garcia became a larger-than-life figure to his fans. Those close to him knew him as a sensitive man with a spiritual side. As Garcia put it, "I love great art, poetry, all the things that enrich human life are things that I like. Also, there's tons of music that I love. I mean I don't really think I'm gonna be able to get around to everything that I potentially like in this lifetime." …; Onstage, where the Grateful Dead launched extended jams, Garcia's guitar solos sent Deadheads into ecstatic dances and trances. But Garcia remained humble. "I'd like to learn how to play the guitar before I die. Yeah, that'd be good."
Yeah, their concerts were legendary.  (I hear someone discreetly passed around a joint at one of 'em)  But they warbled a pretty awesome Star Spangled Banner, too.  And here they are for an encore to sing us out:


Have a nice Thursday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Sadly, not everyone can be blessed with luscious, Bill in Portland Maine-like locks.
---US Weekly

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