From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Random Thoughts on Whatsizname
Finally we know what the GOP presidential bumper sticker looks like:
(romney)-RYAN 2012
"Together We Can Build A Medicare-Free Future"
...and it'll make an adorable yard sign, too.
Even Romney's amazing "BE THE FIRST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE TO KNOW!!!" VP-announcement "app" only worked retroactively. It should've just displayed a message that said: "Check twitter from 10 hours ago."
"Battleships are people, my friends."
"Is this a
real battleship? It looks like one of those battleships that come from 7-11, doesn’t it? Battleships are people, my friends, lemme tell ya! I dodged service on one 'o these things in Nam by bicycling around France in comfortable slacks. And shame on Democrats for exploiting our military for political gain, my friends, I gotta say!"
That solemn music that played over Ryan's entrance was the theme from 'Air Force One,' a movie in which the President of the United States defeats a bunch of terrorists against near-impossible odds. Thanks for reminding America why Barack Obama deserves four more years, Mitt.
There's no ambiguity this time about what the Republican vice presidential pick thinks about the catastrophically dunderheaded Bush Doctrine. (Remember "In what respect, Charlie?") Paul Ryan voted with both hands to preemptively invade Iraq. He would do so again, only next time instead of Cheney, he'll be the one ginning up the false intelligence.
Paul Ryan says that "Our rights come from nature and God, not government." Uh huh. Try and create your own religion that says it's okay to rob banks at tree-branch-point and see how that works out when the cars with the lollipop lights on the roof show up.
"Poverty is up," complained the vice presidential candidate who would never vote for a bill that helps lift people out of poverty.
If you take away the military hardware from a Republican campaign event, what you're left with is basically an Amway convention with slightly less polyester.
I can cite three major slaps in the face to the conservative evangelical community that Paul Ryan committed during his speech: 1) No Rick Warren lapel pin 2) Didn’t blame any natural disasters on gays and feminists. 3) Never said "God Bless America." Not to put too fine a point on it, but I believe I'd like to see that gentleman's birth certificate to make sure it's not all stained with borscht and vodka.
Biden in training after hearing of
Mitt Romney's VP selection
Vice President Biden, sir? Here's one of Paul Ryan's socks. Take a whiff. Now
sic 'im!!!!
The south, for all its bluster, got screwed even harder this year. In '08 the GOP team was from a conservative western state and a conservative northern state. This year the GOP team is from two liberal northern states. In 2016 the GOP team may well come straight out of Michael Moore's ass.
Rob Portman and Tim Pawlenty are now available to sing at your wedding…or do odd jobs around your house…or perform puppet shows at your kid's next birthday party…or call Bingo down at the Eagle's lodge…or…anything, really.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 13, 2012
Note: Today is Monday the 13th. Not as unlucky as Friday the 13th, but we do recommend that you leave your regular Dodge Dart in the garage and take the up-armored Dodge Dart to work instead. [Tips cap] You're welcome.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan in Danville, Kentucky: 59
Days 'til the Steinley Cup Official State Microbrewery Competition, Chili Cook-Off and Saratoga Bullfest in Saratoga, Wyoming: 5
Percent of Americans in an online USA Today survey who say they do some work while they're on vacation: 51%
Percent of the nation's largest airlines that landed within 15 minutes of their scheduled arrival time between Jan. and June of this year, a record high: 83.7%
Number of flights left on the tarmac for more than three hours during the first half of the year, down from 35 last year: 4
(Source: Dept. of Transportation)
Number of bullet holes being left intact by the leaders of the Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI, as a memorial to the victims of the shooting there: 1
Final U.S. Olympic Medal Count: Gold: 46 Silver: 29 Bronze: 29
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NEW! "The President is Distant and Aloof and I Can PROVE it!"
I tell you the President is distant and aloof---here's proof!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Day at the park.
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CHEERS to little reminders that could save you a bundle. If you're thinking about going to the 2013 Netroots Nation convention in San Jose (June 20-23), keep in mind that early registration ends tomorrow night at midnight. After that, it goes up to God Only Knows What. To get the discount, Click here and choose the "Standard Registration" option. As a special bonus, we'll come to your home and give you a free photo-op in front of a battleship. (Disclaimer: must provide trailer large enough to haul a battleship to your home, and agree to pay fines incurred for all the red lights we plan to run.)
CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. C&J has intercepted a copy of what Sarah Palin will say at the Republican National Convention. Here's her speech in its entirety:
Just kidding.
She won’t be speaking at the convention. Because, y'know, only fish who have a future go with the flow.
JEERS to body art for idiots. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems to me that if you're a skinhead and you need to tattoo the word "Skinhead" onto the back of your actual living skinhead so you don’t forget that that's where your skin and your head intersect, you're probably not a very good skinhead. On the other hand, I wouldn’t rule out a part-time career as an anatomy instructor.
CHEERS to getting a golden ticket. Hey, GLBT people! Good news---you're a WINNER!!! One of America's two major political parties has officially confirmed that they like you, they really really like you with no strings attached. This will be an official DNC plank in a few weeks:
“We support the right of all families to have equal respect, responsibilities, and protections under the law. We support marriage equality and support the movement to secure equal treatment under law for same-sex couples. We also support the freedom of churches and religious entities to decide how to administer marriage as a religious sacrament without government interference.”
“We oppose discriminatory federal and state constitutional amendments and other attempts to deny equal protection of the laws to committed same-sex couples who seek the same respect and responsibilities as other married couples. We support the full repeal of the so-called Defense of Marriage Act and the passage of the Respect for Marriage Act.
Symbolic? Yes. Thought I'd ever see it in my lifetime? Never. Not bad for a Monday.
P.S. Two years ago this week Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that Proposition 8 was unconstitutional. His ruling was upheld twice on appeal, and now it's headed to the Supreme Court, where six of the nine Justices will green-light marriage equality in California within a year. But, damn, the waiting part doth sucketh.
CHEERS to the typo of the day. We read this on Megasportsnews.com:
On August 13, 1910, Florence Nightingale, the flounder of modern nursing, died in London, at age 90.
We hear she got into nursing just for the halibut.
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And five years ago in C&J: August 13, 2007...
JEERS to stupid Republican tricks. Manly Mitt Romney---whose hands, we hear, soak in Calgon for no less than 30 minutes a day---dipped a thimble into his $250 million fortune and purchased a first-place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll. He bussed and bribed a Herculean 31.6 percent of the attendees to push the Diebold voting machine button marked "FREE FOOD." In the general election I hear we'll all get a Lexus.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to a jolly good show. Hey, other planets! You may have more tentacles than we do, but we've got the Olympics! Seriously, this place would be a much bigger shithole if we didn't get to watch our best and buffest amaze us every couple years. The 2012 games ended last night with a naughty vicar on a tricycle chasing scantily-clad women around the stadium to the Benny Hill theme. The only complaint I have is that it seemed dreadfully loud in that stadium. When I direct the ceremonies in Rio, it's just gonna be naked people doing mime. And now that London is but a memory, we now return you to Britain's austerity-fueled double-dip recession. Thank you for watching and have a nice day. Oh, and to Mitt Romney, Great Britain wishes to say: "Bullocks to you, wanker."
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine has cost someone a pretty penny: he sold for $1.6 million at auction.
NBC News
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