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pen on paper: 'Dear diary'
Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better.

Much has happened in the last few days. We have finally announced my choice for vice presidential unit, and it turns out it is that Paul Ryan fellow. Looking up, I see that I noted in my last diary entry that we would certainly not be choosing Paul Ryan for the position if I had any say in it. It turns out that I did not have much say in it, but let me now explain why it was my idea from the beginning.

As you know, Mr. Diary, our campaign has been rocked by scandal in recent days. My press secretary made the gaffe of noting that a law I once endorsed may have provided assistance to sick people. This was disastrous, since providing assistance to sick people goes against the very core principles of my party—there has been a large amount of public drama over this very point, in the last few years.

While our efforts to contain the scandal were admirable, they had little effect. On Friday we came to the conclusion that the only way to demonstrate that I was no longer a candidate who would tolerate providing assistance to sick people was to choose a vice presidential unit who could not possibly be accused of wanting to provide assistance to anyone, ever. Paul Ryan became the obvious choice.

In hindsight he is not as objectionable as I had previously supposed. He has a less objectionable odor than many of the other candidates, and while he is severely poor he conducts himself with an air of self-entitlement worthy of any wealth unit. His hair is the right length. It was only when discussing financial matters with him, however, in a quiet room I have dedicated for the discussion of financial matters, that I began to see that he shared many of my own core values. Like myself, he believes I should pay little to no taxes. He shares my conviction that budget calculations should not be discussed publicly, because there are many complicated parts that commoners would not understand. I believe he has opinions on other things as well. Primarily, however, he believes I should pay little to no taxes, and he has some truly innovative proposals on how to best retrieve monies from the commoners, who primarily squander it on things like sustenance and medical care, and redirect it towards wealth units who can put it to more satisfactory use.

Having spent several days with him at this point, I cannot say that I am entirely satisfied with the choice. I do not like the thought of sharing my bus with him, and so I expressed to my advisers that while this choice was entirely my idea, he would have to obtain his own bus, and that at the very least I would certainly not allow him to accompany me on the current Florida trip. We have therefore left him in some other state, somewhere up north, with instructions that I will contact him again when necessary.

With all the recent commotion, I have not even been able to enjoy riding on Mr. Bus again. I was obliged to answer questions posed by reporters today, which I had thought we had previously agreed I would no longer be doing. The trees in this state are of irritating shapes and sizes. Donald Trump continues to telephone me in attempts to give me advice. While I consider myself quite robust, I did demand that we cancel an event in one of the lesser cities of Florida today; there is only so much of this nonsense I am able to take.

In the end, however, I am determined to see this ridiculous process through. I have a vision, Mr. Diary, of a better nation. I dream of a new America in which all citizens, whether they be wealthy or commoners, whether they be investment bankers or owners of teams related to sport, whether they be white, or slightly off-white, perhaps due to tanning during a recent vacation, possibly while engaging in watersport—a nation in which all individuals, no matter who they may be or how many houses they may own, can come together and agree as Americans that I, Mitt Romney, should pay little to no taxes.

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