Author's Note: As usual, I apologize for the sloppiness of this diary. I sincerely hope you are able to read and comprehend it. My mind has 3,000 things running through it, and I'm doing the best I can. :)
No, I don't mean that coming out, silly! I've already done that a few years ago. I'm coming out as one of the millions of Americans who suffer from some type of mental illness. For the past four years, I've thought my type was depression, but recently, I've started to think differently.
In 2006, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and I was prescribed Lexapro. I took that for two years until I abruptly stopped taking it in June 2008. In December 2008, I started to have some symptoms similar to memory loss. I didn't lose my memory completely, but I had trouble remembering names. I think some people call it "brain fog." My neurologist then prescribed me Zoloft, but I had to discontinue that due to the horrific side effects. Rather than be prescribed another antidepressant, I decided to deal with the issues. Needless to say, that was a big mistake.
To make a long story short, from late 2009 to early 2011, I was prescribed four other anti-depressants, with the most successful being Pristiq. I continued to take Pristiq through May 2012, but it lost its effectiveness, so I was advised to discontinue the medication. My family doctor prescribed me Cymbalta, and needless to say, I felt like I was living in hell. The side effects were some of the worst, and I discontinued that medication. I was put back on Lexapro, which I'm currently taking, but it's not helping.
During this time, I started to feel more anxious, especially with the approaching fall semester. I am taking a writing intensive course, so I am scared to death that I will not do well and ruin my 4.0 GPA. Last fall, I was told my writing was excellent, but this mental illness has me thinking otherwise. I'm to the point that I don't even want to write on Daily Kos because I'm not sure if I'm making any sense or using the correct words in the correct format. It is driving me absolutely crazy. It is so bad that I don't want to take certain courses because I'm scared I will have to write!
Just a few weeks ago, I contacted a local psychologist about these issues, and I asked her if it could possibly be ADHD mixed with anxiety because I do show signs of ADHD, and she told me I would have to schedule a consultation to see her ($160). The follow-up appointments are $150. I have the money, but is it worth it? That's what I keep asking myself. I don't want to keep living like this, but what if therapy doesn't work? Then what?
I'm not a medical professional, but in my heart, I feel like it is ADHD + anxiety. Regardless, I just want to be normal again. This illness has put a dark cloud over my life for way too long, and it's time I start fighting back. I just don't know how.