From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
That's the Teabagger World
(With apologies to Louis Armstrong.)
I see teas of green, Red Rose too
Dangling from yokels, shouting at you
And I think to myself, that's the teabagger world.
Tri-corn hats of blue, and faces white
Glocks strapped to ankles, folks wound up tight
And I think to myself, that's the teabagger world.
The spelling on the signs they hoist up in the sky
Say "Get A Brain MORANS" to people passing by
I see folks shaking fists, whining from coast to coast
They're really saying, "Romney's toast."
Bless their hearts.
Soros hatches schemes!
And brown people plot!
Obama's a commie!
And...that's all they got.
And I think to myself
That's the teabagger world
Yes I think to myself
That's the teabagger world.
[Dedicated to Paul Ryan: the best friend a Koch brother can have.]
Mornin'. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 16, 2012
Note: Following today's C&J, light refreshments will be served inside the solar panel factory.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the official lighting of the Christmas tree in downtown Portland, Maine: 101
Days 'til the National Hamburger Festival in Akron, Ohio: 3
Increase in consumer prices in July, essentially unchanged for four months: 0.1%
Increase in prices over the last 12 months: 1.4%
(Source: Labor Dept.)
Percent of the beer sold last year that came in cans: 53%
Expected rise in RV sales this year, after suffering a 33% drop in 2008 and 40% drop in 2009: 6%
(Source: Time)
Percent chance that President Obama will win a second term, according to bet-makers on Intrade: 57%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment
If Mitt Romney wins in November, Molly will re-post this from the grave:
The great irony is that this was supposed to be the CEO administration. Bush was supposed to put people in charge of government who had track records in private industry, who did in fact know how to run a railroad. For just sheer incompetence, this administration sets new records daily. All those years the right wing sat around yammering about government incompetence, and it took this administration to make it true.
---January 12, 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Ever seen a sheepmation? Now you have.
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CHEERS to pleasant DREAMs. Never mind the anti-Mexican bigots on the right---they're hopeless assholes. Instead, listen to Congressman Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) as he welcomes yesterday's enactment of President Obama's Executive Branch directive to lighten up on children of immigrants:
"Why yes, I believe my husband would
have approved, Mr. President."
"This is single largest opportunity we've had since 1986 to bring people out of the shadows and into documented status," [he said,] referencing the Reagan amnesty policy of a quarter-century ago. [E]ligibility applies to immigrants to came to the United States illegally before they turned 16, are now between the ages of 15 and 30, and have been living in the United States for at least five years. Additionally, they must be either students, high school graduates, or honorably discharged service members.
Point: Obama/Reagan. That's gotta hurt, eh Mitt?
CHEERS to the state of the race. Thought you’d like to know how things are going, so here are excerpts from two typical stump speeches in the presidential race:
Obama: Great to be here at the Iowa State Fair. I love y'all and I love America. We've got some challenges, but we're all pullin' together to get through 'em. Anybody want a beer?
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"Gack! Gack! Choking...
on...strawberry...Gack!"
Romney: President Obama keeps saying mean things about me! He's hateful and spiteful! He hates me, I know he does! And I know people think otherwise but I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was Obama---oh, yes, Obama---who stole my quart of strawberries! He thought he'd get away with it, but I was too crafty, see? In his hasty act of spiteful hatred against me, he didn’t notice that I affixed a single hair across the pantry door with a dollop of my hair gel, see? So when I got home and saw my hair seal had been broken, why, boy, I knew Obama had fallen for my trap. It was Obama who took the strawberries, don'tcha see? It was that vile hateful man and….and…..um….Ryan, why don’t you take over…..I need to get some air…..I'm exhausted.....
So, anyway. That's how it's going.
JEERS to ballot bullshit. A Pennsylvania judge ruled yesterday that the state's voter ID law should stand. Judge Robert Simpson ("Simp-soooon!!!") said that he was giving the benefit of the doubt to the legislature, which put the law in place. If the PA Supreme Court doesn’t overturn it, it'll mean that Republicans have successfully passed a law based on the belief that a 1-in-15 million chance of attempted voter fraud outweighs a 1-in-13 chance that an otherwise eligible voter won’t be able to vote. On the bright side, at least they're not forcing voters to sign a GOP loyalty oath yet. They're savin' that for 2016.
CHEERS to riding the rails. 114 years ago today, in 1898, Edwin Prescott patented his design for a "roller coaster." It was followed the next day by a patent for "Ye Olde Hurling Bucket."
"Florida, we have a snake problem."
JEERS to a whole lotta slithering goin' on. Did you hear about that huge snake in Florida? They say it's a major menace to the state because it pretty much swallows everything in its path, leaving nothing behind but destruction and snake shit. But enough about Governor Rick Scott. They're also having problems with
pythons. How can you tell the difference between the two? Rick Scott wears a tie.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 16, 2007
CHEERS to today's essay question. Listen carefully: While conservatives continue to fume over the cancellation of the Democratic presidential debate on Fox News, the Republican presidential candidates still haven't accepted Air America's offer to host a debate of their own. Why is that? You have 20 minutes...GO!
CHEERS to overdue departures. Dennis "The Refrigerator" Hastert won’t be running for re-election next year. The former Speaker says it's time for a change of pace. Instead of sitting around the House doing nothing, he plans to sit around the house doing nothing.
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And just one more…
The Portland, Maine Elvis concert
that was not to be.
JEERS to exiting too soon. On August 16, 1977, while sitting on his golden throne, 42 year-old Elvis Presley's heart ran out of steam and he died at 3:30 p.m. (He was supposed to kick off a concert tour
in Portland, Maine the next day.) Of course, this date has special significance for gaffe watchers: during a campaign stop in South Carolina last year, Michele Bachmann urged a campaign crowd (all six of them) to join her in
wishing The King a happy birthday. Someone in the crowd yelled out the truth but she ignored it, of course, since facts are pesky things. Anyway, pay your hunka hunka burnin' respects
here, darlin' Thankyuhvrrrmuch...
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Paul Ryan & Bill in Portland Maine: Separated At Birth?
---Fox Nation
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