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78-year-old crooner Pat Boone is apparently taking time off from his late-night shilling for gold, fitness pills, and other slice-and-dice scams to headline a major Birther Bash in Phoenix next month. As Stephen Lemons wonders in his post today, maybe the emperor of infomercials will sing a tune or two from his 1997 LP monster hit, In a Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy, his homage to headbanger music. Lemons likes Boone's version of "Smoke on the Water," but give me the title song any day.

After all, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" would be appropriate at the Sept. 22 "Tea Party Patriots Event" since it has a Phoenix connection. The 1973 song, from the #1 Billion Dollar Babies album, was written and performed by one of our own: Vincent Furnier, aka Alice Cooper. The only difference between the two men is that Alice is a pretty cool guy who's done a lot for his community, while the born again Boone is a rightwing scam artist, tricking the bobby sox generation that still gets moist listening to his 1957 hit "Love Letters in the Sand," into buying worthless shit. Aside from that, they and their rendition of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" are virtually the same. See for yourself:

Pat Boone and his white bucks will be joined at the bash by none other than king birther Sheriff Joe Arpaio—"America's Heroic Sheriff" he's called on the invitation. And if that's not enough, the oldster mosh pit will feature court-martialed Army doctor Terry Lakin. He's the guy who refused orders to deploy because, he said, Obama hasn't proven his birthplace and is therefore not qualified to be commander-in-chief. The discharged and imprisoned wackjob, who's now out of jail and broke, is billed on the invitation as "Constitutional Eligibility Hero." Seems you gotta be a criminal (or better yet, racist), like Arpaio and Lakin, to earn the "hero" badge with this crowd. But it promises to be quite a lunch-time gig (must allow time for the audience to get to Furr's Cafeteria for the 4PM blue plate special).

It gets better, because today's Arizona news is "all things Boone." After the permanent tan man endorsed former Arizona Speaker of the House Kirk Adams in his congressional primary against former Congressman Matt Salmon, Adams's campaign manager Chad Heywood could hardly keep his gonads in check, writing on his Facebook page:

"DUDE, you have no clue how many older ladies just mailed Kirk Adams their panties ... mail box was full today..."
Now that's a mailbox I have no interest in opening.

The harumphing Matt Salmon got all righteous and immediately demanded an apology for Heywood's "rude and offensive comments"—like that's the most important thing these goonballs have to debate. Thing is, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin both endorsed Adams, which, unlike the rest of the sane world (where you'd be embarrassed to mention a Palin endorsement in polite company), is seen as a huge plus here, and the floundering Salmon, a failed congressman with strong ties to corporate lobbyists (well, more than ties, he was one), is looking for any peg to hang his campaign's hat on. Old lady panties ... check.

Heywood should have apologized all right for suggesting that LeisureWorld's hotties are mailing their skivvies to Adams, when we all know they'll be throwing them onstage at Pat Boone next month. And now I apologize (to anyone who was offended) for that image.

Originally posted to Maggie's Farm on Fri Aug 17, 2012 at 03:31 PM PDT.

Also republished by Baja Arizona Kossacks.

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