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The pain and the shame the Akin comments brought to the surface again.
And in some ways what Akins said maybe correct, but not for any of the reasons he and his like believe.  I need to explain what happened that causes me to say this.  If you do not want to read my story, please at least read the last 3 paragraphs to understand why I say he is partially correct, but in a sad and personal way.

I never post. I work too much.  I am a work-coholic,  I think just to avoid think about what was, what is, and most importantly, what could have been if thing were different.  But this Akin thing has hit a nerve.  And for no other reason, I need to write this so maybe I can get something out of it, or it might help someone else.

To start, I was sexually abused from somewhere around 3 years old until I was at least 6 by our family physician.  I knew things were not right, but back in the 60s, no one told children (at least not me) about good and bad touching.  My mother gave birth to my younger sister when I was just over 3, and abuse start by the doctor when my mom would take me with her for her monthly prenatal visits.  To this day I remember the room, the lighting, the smell of the leather couch and rubbing alcohol from coming through the door from the exam rooms down the hall, and the fear, the fear of appending doom that has followed me into my 50s.

I can remember what I believe was the last time when I was 6 ½ years old.  However, maybe I just blocked out much of it.  For many many years I thought that maybe I had imagined it.  That maybe he was supposed to do what he did… he was our family doctor and my mother and father trusted him.

When I was in my mid-twenties, while talking with my mother, she told me that our doctor had been arrested for molesting many of the children he and his wife had adopted and or fostered.   My mother and father were both so upset that his wife and children had made up such lies about such an upstanding doctor and person to get more money out of him during he and his wife’s divorce.   During the conversation, I did not speak up.  I relived all that had happened to me.  I called a very trusted friend, and told her what I thought I had remembered happened to me.  I had told her before what I thought I had remembered, but never ever wanted to face it.

After the conversation with the friend, I had to do one of the many hard things I have had to do in my time on this rock.  I called my mother and father and told them that the wife and the children were not lying.  I had to tell them that I had been one of the doctor’s/man’s victims.  To this day, I remember how much this hurt my parents.  They felt so guilty. I had to be the one to assure them they had done nothing wrong, that I was ok.   It was not their fault, but today I think or wish that instead of me helping them through this revelation and my pain, that they had maybe helped me.   This and what happened to me at such a young age made me think I have to do it all, and all by myself. Today I am physically suffering from this “I am an island” mentality.

I should mention that this revelation to my parents happened while I was pregnant with my first child (my second marriage).  Not my first pregnancy, but my first live birth.  The revelation of my abuse (I still not call it my m***taion) lead to hurt feelings and scares that have not completely healed between me and my family in the past 20 plus years.

Growing up I was very aware of sex and my sexuality.   I was also aware that I was a buck-tooth freckled face, pale as a ghost girl growing up in Sothern California where everyone is tall, blonde tan and beautiful.  I was not popular, I was anything but.  I was teased and bullied.  I thought I was less than and thought I deserved it.  I felt/feel this way through 3 marriages, a bachelors and masters degrees and a successful career.

Feeling less than made me become promiscuous, hoping I could land a partner with sex, because I knew I was homely and only worth what I could do in bed.  It seemed the only long term relationships I had for most of my life were with abusers, cheaters, or losers.  And until the past year that was what I though and still sometimes think I deserved.  I still know I can never have what or who I want. I know I will either have to be alone the rest of my life or have to settle.

I had to explain all this first before I could explain why what Akin said was right in some ways, but not for the medical reasons he stated. From personal experience I know you can be raped.  You can be married to your rapist/abuser.  And you body can abort the child of the rape. But it is not because “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down”.  No,  in my case it was because the minute I was late, and knew I was most likely pregnant, my husband, my abuser, my rapist beat me until I started cramping and bleeding.  I know of other friends who have had this happen to them too.  In one case, when my friend’s husband, her abuser, her rapist found out she was pregnant, pregnant with twins.  He pushed her down a flight of stairs.  She lost the babies and was in the hospital for weeks.

So, the female body may just shut the whole thing down, but I my case and others it took some help.  The help of being beaten by your abuser, husband, rapist.  

All of this had made me loathe Akin and any and all politicians that think they know what others go through just existing today.

Originally posted to jeeugena on Tue Aug 21, 2012 at 07:57 PM PDT.

Also republished by House of LIGHTS.

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