At a packed news conference held today at the Volunteer Fire Department meeting hall - the only place in town big enough - Police Chief Ricky Noodnick identified the suspect responsible for the recent rash of vandalism, missing items and petty aggravations that have been plaguing this small nondescript town.
"We believe that the perpetrator is one Abigail van Basset", the Chief began. "She has quite a lengthy record, going all the way back to when she spent a good deal of her time tearing up Pee Pads instead of...er...using them for their intended purpose."
"We had occasion to detain the suspect a month or so ago on suspicion of mole hunting on a neighbor's property, but since there were no witnesses or legible paw prints, we released her in her own recognizance. Volunteers are passing out the mug shot taken at that time."
Below is the mug shot referred to by the Chief.
However, it would appear that van Basset.."
"Is that one 't' or two 't's' in Basset, Chief?" A question from the audience interrupted. The Chief bent down and had a brief whispered conversation Detective Sergeant Doppler, generally regarded as the brains of the Department.
"One 't'. Two 't's' are the folks that make furniture. Where was I.." the Chief fumbled with his notes. "Oh, yes. It would appear that matters have elevated, escalated, taken a turn for the worse. Lights please."
The room went nearly dark, and projected onto the screen beside the Chief - a screen this reporter frankly hadn't noticed before - was this image
The lights came back up, although the shocking image remained on the screen.
The Chief's steely gaze roamed over the hushed audience. Somehow a log wooden pointer had appeared in his hand. "Ladies and gentlemen, I need hardly tell you what this..," he tapped the screen, "represents." He paused, dramatically, then uttered the fateful words that we were all hoping not to hear.
"Ladies and gentlemen: van Basset has been Running With Scissors."
Now,this reporter is wordly-wise, Street smart and has been around the block a time or two, but a chill went up my spine as I heard those words. This was serious stuff - the chewed handles bearing mute witness to the crime.
"Whose scissors are they, Chief?" This from a well-known local TV anchor.
"We don't know," the Chief admitted. "And this is something else the public should be aware of. This perpetrator gets around. Charlie, put the slide of the mugshot up. It's upside down, Charlie. there we go."
The Chief tapped the collar under van Basset's chin. "See this little box here? It's a receiver for an electronic fence. It's supposed to give van Basset a jolt if she strays from her own yard. It's pretty obviously not doing that, since people all over the neighborhood are reporting missing objects - screwdrivers, balls of various sizes, kids' toys."
"But, Chief. The area's not that big. How are you not able to catch her?"
The Chief sighed. He turned to Sergeant Doppler. "You tell, them, Bill: it's your theory."
The Chief sat down as Doppler went to the microphone. He took a deep breath. "The little receiver on her collar? We think she's able to evade us because...because she has hacked into it and is able to hear us talking on the police band."
For a moment there was silence. Then pandemonium as a dozen new people jumped to their fee shouting questions. This reporter too advantage of the uproar to slip out the door.
I'm now sitting in my office, looking at a photograph that had been shoved under my door when I was at the news conference. Could it be that van Basset is thumbing her nose at the authorities?