I just had a very disturbing interaction in comments on another diary, in which my interlocutor said, "As for verbal abuse, I am trying not to laugh." They went on to say that verbal abuse was "a terrible thing" that "leaves scars," but closed by saying, "sticks and stones and all that." This was in the context of proper training and screening of child care workers.
To me, the minimization of verbal abuse, or the separating of abuse into the serious (physical) and laughable (verbal) is of a similar spirit as separating "legitimate" or "forcible" rape from other kinds of rape. The implication is that one is a real crime and a real trauma, and the other is not.
First of all, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," is one of the worst lies commonly told to children. (Right up there with telling kids, "[They're mean and/or violent towards you because] they just like you.") But more than that, it is meant to try to get kids to shrug off name-calling from other children. Not from adults.
I am not an expert on this topic by either experience or training. Still, I know that victims of domestic violence -- these would be (mostly) grown people -- often say the worst of the abuse was the emotional abuse. Being told one is useless, worthless, stupid, ugly, unloveable, over and over and over, by someone who is supposed to love and care for you... it's absolutely devastating. And that's for adults. Can you imagine what it does to children?
Well, I looked it up. Emotional Abuse of Children:
The American Medical Association AMA describes Emotional Abuse as: "when a child is regularly threatened, yelled at, humiliated, ignored, blamed or otherwise emotionally mistreated. For example, making fun of a child, calling a child names, and always finding fault are forms of emotional abuse."
Emotional abuse is more than just verbal abuse. It is an attack on a child's emotional and social development, and is a basic threat to healthy human development.
They list various kinds of emotional abuse, not just name-calling. Some can even cause physical harm:
When children experience cruelty from their caretakers, the world ceases to "make sense" for them, and all areas of learning are affected - social, emotional, and intellectual development are hindered.
...Harassment scares the child, and repeated exposure to fear can alter the child physically, lowering their ability to deal with other stressful situations.
And on and on.
This isn't about one other Kossack. It's not about blame. (Indeed, with their references to severe physical abuse, I suspect they may be a victim of child abuse themselves, or be close to one.)
This is about a whole-society mindset that belittles any trauma we can't see -- whether it's PTSD, MST, or traumatic brain injuries of veterans, or rape survivors who weren't beaten up, or children who have been and are being warped and robbed by abuse that never leaves a mark. "Show us the bruises," we say, "show us the scars. Bleed, or we won't believe you."
Well, I believe you. It is abuse. And it matters.
© cai