Last night, Jon Stewart returned from a week off to cover the RNC from Tampa. He of course had to cover the Todd Akin controversy, and used it to then pivot to Mitt Romney's refusal to talk about any issues about himself.
REP. TODD AKIN, R-MO (8/19/2012): First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really where... if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.
(audience boos)
Stop it, that is science! It is so true! You know, the female body is amazing. Did you know that the human vagina, besides being able to repel rape sperm, is also, can be used as a wi-fi hot spot? And, from what I understand, can detect radon and carbon monoxide. Can convert standard DVDs to Blu-Ray. And, if you are in a car chase, can shoot out tacks or an oil slick to throw off your pursuers. The vagina. The more you know.
(wild audience cheering and applause)
....
Oh! If only that poor man had one of those magic vaginas to protect him! He could've repelled the media! Why would the media pile on this poor man like this?
RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (8/22/2012): The media has a love affair with Barack Obama.
SEAN HANNITY (7/31/2012): The press office of the Obama re-election campaign, known as NBC News.
STEVE DOOCY (8/27/2012): You watch all those Comedy Central shows, they are in the tank for Barack Obama.
What??? Workaholics and the new series Brickleberry, premiering September 25th, are in the tank for Obama?? I can't bel.... Ohhhhhh. Colbert!
(audience applause)
....
MITT ROMNEY (12/28/2011): Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, I live for laughter, I mean... (awkward laugh)
(audience cheering and applause)
Now we're cooking! Now we got something. I too, all right, hit me with some of your best stuff.
MITT ROMNEY (8/24/2012): No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised.
(shocked audience laughter)
(wheezing) He was born in America, in Michigan! He's never been the victim of a borderline racist conspiracy theory! Can you believe that? That's... ahh. I got a better one about Michigan. Hey, why does Michigan make so many cars? So they can GET THE FUCK OUT OF MICHIGAN!!!
Video and full transcript below the fold.
Oh, and Stephen had a Star Wars parody opening!
Episode MMXII
AMERICA STRIKES BACK
It is a dark time for America, but not in a racist way. Democratic minions have driven universal health care through Congress, and now threaten to do the unthinkable: be re-elected.
Hungry for power, DARK LORD OBAMA — again, not "racist" dark, just evil — has summoned a hurricane to scatter the Patriotic Alliance.
But all is not lost. A group of freedom fighters led by Mitt Romney and his billionaire mentor Obi-Wan REDACTED, have established a new secret base in the remote, humid city of Tampa...
As you may know, last week, before we got to Tampa, there was a bit of an uproar caused by the Republican Senate candidate in the great state of Missouri, who had an interesting position on the question of pregnancies resulting from rape.
REP. TODD AKIN, R-MO (8/19/2012): First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really where... if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.
(audience boos)
Stop it, that is science! It is so true! You know, the female body is amazing. Did you know that the human vagina, besides being able to repel rape sperm, is also, can be used as a wi-fi hot spot? And, from what I understand, can detect radon and carbon monoxide. Can convert standard DVDs to Blu-Ray. And, if you are in a car chase, can shoot out tacks or an oil slick to throw off your pursuers. The vagina. The more you know.
(wild audience cheering and applause)
So you can see why this remark coming from a man who sits on the House Science Committee would be a bit of a story. Except guess what the real story here is.
LAURA INGRAHAM (8/22/2012): With the media refusing to let this story go, how does the Mitt Romney campaign get his messages out there?
JIM PINKERTON (8/22/2012): The media have a Republican in their cross-hairs.
FORMER RNC CHAIR HALEY BARBOUR (8/27/2012): The liberal media elite won't talk about nothin' else.
ANDERSON COOPER (8/22/2012): Last night, he sent out a series of tweets. He said, and I quote:
Oh! If only that poor man had one of those magic vaginas to protect him! He could've repelled the media! Why would the media pile on this poor man like this?
RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (8/22/2012): The media has a love affair with Barack Obama.
SEAN HANNITY (7/31/2012): The press office of the Obama re-election campaign, known as NBC News.
STEVE DOOCY (8/27/2012): You watch all those Comedy Central shows, they are in the tank for Barack Obama.
What??? Workaholics and the new series Brickleberry, premiering September 25th, are in the tank for Obama?? I can't bel.... Ohhhhhh. Colbert!
(audience applause)
Can't believe this guy's in the tank! But look, I'll tell you this. I don't want to be in the tank. The tank is where fish poop is. I don't want to to be in there.
I just want to have a fair conversation about some of the things that seem relevant to this election, the issues. Romney's running on his business experience. Let's talk about his experience at Bain Capital.
SEN. JOHN THUNE, R-SD (8/24/2012): It's going after Bain, going after Governor Romney's record as a businessman, are not things that the American people are concerned with.
OK, don't want to hear about his business record, that's fine. Although, here's the problem. If we only talk about things the American people are concerned with, then the whole campaign would be about hoarders and toddler beauty pageants.
ALANNA "HONEY BOO BOO" THOMPSON (8/7/2012): You better redneck-ognize!
Look, Mitt Romney, I get it. All you're asking is for us to make you the world's most powerful human being. What other topics should we avoid to keep out of the tank?
MITT ROMNEY (8/10/2012): Attacks based upon business, or family, or taxes, or things of that nature. This is just a diversion.
I see. So, while typically those would be the three criteria that are examined at a job interview for the Presidency, but all right. Perhaps you would prefer to stick to some basic height and weight and squareness of jawline. You know, J.C. Penney model criteria. We already know you won't give specifics on which programs you'd cut, tax loopholes you'd close. I'm stuck. I don't want to be in the tank, but would you like to volunteer some information for us?
12/28/2011:
WOLF BLITZER: Tell us something that we may not know about the Governor.
ANN ROMNEY: Well, I think people don't appreciate, actually, his sense of humor.
WOLF BLITZER: Is she right?
MITT ROMNEY: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, I live for laughter, I mean... (awkward laugh)
(audience cheering and applause)
Now we're cooking! Now we got something. I too, all right, hit me with some of your best stuff.
MITT ROMNEY (8/24/2012): No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised.
(shocked audience laughter)
(wheezing) He was born in America, in Michigan! He's never been the victim of a borderline racist conspiracy theory! Can you believe that? That's... ahh. I got a better one about Michigan. Hey, why does Michigan make so many cars? So they can GET THE FUCK OUT OF MICHIGAN!!!
We'll be right back.
Jon also had the
correspondents report on the latest from Tampa, and how
upset Republicans are that Hurricane Isaac has changed their plans.
Meanwhile, Stephen talked about
Hurricane Isaac being caused by gay people, and the added business
Tampa's strip clubs would have this week.
He then also
covered the Todd Akin story in a segment that no transcript can truly do justice. You just have to watch it. But not at work. It's definitely NSFW. Trust me.
Stephen had on
Andrew Sullivan to explain why he's even
more adamant this time around that Obama win re-election, and Jon had on Sen.
Marco Rubio (R-FL), which went long. Here's the entire unedited interview in three parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3