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[cheesy fast-talking ad-voice with disclaimers thrown in throughout]
From "Severely Conservative Collectibles," just in time for the Republican Convention, it's the "Love-Me-Mitt" doll!
An entire collection of Brand Romney!
He's so lifelike, he's almost human! Comes with his own family and warm snuggles!
(Dog not included.)
Which Mitt is for you?
The Can-Do Business Mitt! Squeeze his tummy and he creates jobs!
(Layoff-and-Bankruptcy Mitt has been discontinued.)
Bootstrap Mitt! Press his forehead and you'll find health and wealth in the private sector!
(Universal Coverage Mitt has been recalled and destroyed.)
Mormon Mitt! Tickle his heart and he'll help people, just like any other religious guy!
(Missionary Mitt was last seen in Paris during the Vietnam War and is not currently available.)
Shoot-Em-Up Mitt! Pull his trigger finger and he kisses an NRA lobbyist!
(Gun-Control-Mitt has been out of stock since two-thousand-four.)
Dino-Mitt! Scratch his tail and he'll roar and reject overwhelming evidence of man-made climate change!
(All units of discontinued Global Warming Mitt have been purchased and destroyed by Big Oil, Gas and Coal.)
So many Mitts to choose from!
Act now and you'll also get Budgeting Mitt!
(Budgeting Mitt requires one Running-Mate-Ryan to be fully operational.)
The Love-Me-Mitt Doll Collection, choose your favorite or buy the entire set!
(Be advised some customers have mistakenly purchased the Tax-Return-George-Romney doll. This is an out-of-date model from Brand Romney and should be discarded immediately.)