August 30, 2012
First, let me wish you all the best with your big speech tonight—I’m sure that your PowerPoint and bar charts are going to knock them dead.
Second, and this is my reason for writing at this busy time, I want to pick a bone with you over all the measures against voter fraud that have been passed recently. As of writing, 33 states have enacted various voter ID laws. This is a bold beginning, but it is only that. I for one cannot suppress the nagging doubt that somewhere, somehow, an elderly, rural, minority, student voter will still be able to cast her ballot unimpeded. This is what keeps me awake at night.
My modest proposal is this: we put the par-tay back into party politics by organizing festivities in the streets across the country on Election Day itself. These "block parties" will target those neighborhoods that might be most inclined to support the other guy, if you know what I mean. Our approach will be twofold: first, we’ll encourage these districts to take it easy on Election Day itself, to go in for a little “R ‘n’ R”, if you’ll pardon the pun, by providing refreshments and entertainment that will distract them from exercising their franchise. I’m thinking of putting on a spread with ribs, chitlins, watermelon and malt liquor, or fajitas, tacos, and tequila, on the routes to the polling stations. And to make doubly sure that these voters never make it to the booths, let’s have some young patriots in matching uniforms to “monitor” the situation. Since barbecue is involved, I suggest brown shirts to help mask any stains.
Since the RNC has already shown what a warm welcome we can extend to African American camerawomen and Republican representatives from Puerto Rico, now is the time to extend our famous hospitality to the whole nation.
Good luck with that whole “appearing like a human being" thing.
In case you've been missing the latest rosy-cheeked caperings and high-jinks at the RNC, (which, if you're on this site, I kind of doubt), then here are the incidents referenced above: