So was anyone else disappointed last night that the surprise guest at the RNC wasn't a hologram of Ronald Reagan? I was sure they were going to make a hologram of the Gipper just like the hologram of 2pac at Coachella. I mean, I'm sure Mitt Romney could've coughed up some cash from his account in the Cayman's to "build that". If they had made a hologram of Reagan, here's what I'm sure he would've said to the Republican National Convention.
Hologram Reagan: What the hell is the matter with you people? Seriously? Have you all lost your damn minds? I mean look at you! You have tea bags hanging from your hats! You look like fucking idiots! Last time I checked, tea parties were for little girls! I'm seriously getting sick and tired of you assholes making a mockery of my legacy. Hello! I raised taxes eleven times when I was President! Mr. Romney, if I was still President, no way in hell would you be paying less than 13% in taxes. Mr. Romney, SHOW YOUR TAX RETURNS!!! By the way, Ted Kennedy and I are friends now and he told me to tell you, "Good luck in November you fucking loser!" And what the hell John Boehner?!? You and the rest of those tea bagging nuts were going to let us default on our debt?!? Even I knew when to raise the debt ceiling! And knock it off with the spray tans you pathetic, blubbering sob sister! And Paul Ryan, I had a conversation with your father a little bit ago and he's wondering why you're bashing Social Security. Don't you remember that it was Social Security benefits that helped you and your mother survive after he died? It was Social Security benefits that helped you pay for college! I mean it's bad enough your speech was filled with lies but you're also lying about your past? Even your hero Ayn Rand took Social Security! And who are you to talk about the private sector? I spent more time in the private sector as a GE spokesman than you did as a fry cook at McDonalds! Hell, Spongebob Squarepants has more private sector experience than you! You've been working for the government your whole life so if government truly is the problem, then you sir are a huge part of that problem! I mean seriously, the GOP primary was historically embarrassing with clowns like Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul making a mockery of our party and I didn't think it was possible for all of you to go further with the insanity but some how you proved me wrong! None of you complained about deficits or amnesty for illegal immigrants when I was President, so why the hell do you care now?!? I have never seen more white people afraid of black man in my entire life! I'm the one who escalated the drug war and ignored the AIDS epidemic and even I liked black people more than all of you combined! And let me tell you something Mr. Romney, you sir are nothing like me. Not in the slightest! I at least had the balls to stand up to the extremists in my party when I nominated Sandra Day O'Connor to the Supreme Court and here you are shamelessly appealing to these nut jobs! You're more like that Connecticut carpet bagging whimp, George Bush! I at least came from humble beginnings, you sir inherited everything from your father who was the definitive moderate Republican! Now I know all of you here today would consider me a RINO but the real RINO here is the very man you all nominated! You all don't care about the economy or the deficit, all you care about is kicking a black man out of the White House! When I was a boy, my family let black people stay at our home when all the other hotels wouldn't take them! Plus I helped end communism, you don't have a single bit of experience with foreign policy, Mr. Romney! In fact, you admit that you were too much of a pussy to go into Pakistan and kill Osama Bin Laden! Yes you did! You can lie to everyone else on the planet but you cannot lie to the Gipper! And Clint, from one actor to another what the hell was that performance all about?!? Speaking to an empty chair?!? Is your mind starting to wonder? Because if there's one man who knows all about having his mind wonder it's this guy (raises his two thumbs at himself)! Seriously, get some help and some stem cells while you're at it! Any way, in conclusion, you all are the death of this once great political party. How did we go from the party of Lincoln and Goldwater to the party of Todd Akin and Sarah Palin?!? And Todd, I too am pro-life but even I know that a woman can get pregnant from rape! And what the hell is a legitimate rape any way?!?! Mr. Romney, Mr. Ryan and the rest of you ninnies deserve to lose this November. You can't even run on the economy or your nominee's business and governor's record! In fact, screw all of you, I'm going back to the Democrats and voting for Obama because at least they have some common sense! Screw you all and good night!
P.S. Grover Norquist, stop masturbating to pictures of me! That's right, I've caught you in the act several times you pudgy little nerd!