Dear Mitt:
I write to you as a member of that sliver of the electorate that is so prized by both parties: the independent, swing, and undecided voter. (At least I think I am-- how can one be sure?) It is my hope that my account of a typical Day of Indecision, Independence, and Swinging will give you an insight into the mentality of this most important and illustrious group of Americans.
7:00 am Wake up to the customary sound of a radio emitting static somewhere between the AM and FM bandwidths. Now normally I negotiate getting out of bed in a conventional fashion: sit up, swing my legs down to the floor, and rise out of bed clean as a whistle. But who is to say that it might not produce better results if I place myself face down horizontally across the bed, and launch myself head-first off the bed in the hope that my face will break my fall?
7:05 am: As I clean the blood from the baseboard, I reflect on the price that one must pay for being a truly independent thinker. Now for the stairs-- certainly, I have found the one foot/ one step at a time approach to this conundrum has worked effectively in the past. But again, who is to say that sticking a pillow case on my head, turning around at the top of the stairs, and throwing myself backwards off the top step with all my force won't be even more effective? (It will certainly be quicker.)
9:05 am: After a short power nap to restore my faculties after all this strenuous Independent Thought, I approach the issue of breakfast. My customary morning repast consists of scrambled eggs and coffee prepared in the traditional manner-- cooked and brewed separately. But what if I pour scalding coffee down my throat, follow it immediately with a couple of whisked raw eggs, and jump up and down violently on the spot, thus "scrambling" the eggs in my stomach, and thereby cutting out the middle man?
9:15 am: My queasiness and second-degree esophageal burns stand as testimony to my refusal to be categorized. As I stagger towards the car and begin my day as a florist/ oil rig worker, I congratulate myself once again on another day begun in a true spirit of independence and non-conformity.
So there you have it, Mitt, the thought processes of your average swing voter. Of course, to attract this constituency, you yourself will have to clear up some ambiguities: e.g. are there exceptions to the Republican ban on abortion? Do want to balance the budget or provide billionaires with tax cuts? Time to get off the fence, man. For Pete's sake, you're running for office.
Sincerely,
Bob