From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
My Soul Is For Sale Again. Order Now!
No, I really don’t know where the time goes. One moment you're being told that no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, and the next you're in the process of watching the re-election of America's first black president. Hell, the Napoleonic Wars are just a blur to me now.
But here we are, in the autumn of 2012, and that means pulling out C&J's tin cup and giving it a rattle to see if you'd like me to continue poorly documenting current events for another year.
For those of you who are new'ish here: I started writing C&J almost nine years ago in my spare time. Five years ago my boss called from his yacht in Florida and informed me that my services writing commercials for products that didn’t kill most people were no longer needed. Job search looming, I posted a "Ta Ta for Now" note here.
The next day, the Daily Kos community swarmed, took up a collection and, in Kos's words, "bought my soul." You've possessed my being for five years now, and I'm thinking that Kosorcisms are awful messy so why not kick this old can down the road for another year. It's what Congress would do, and they're up to, what, nine percent approval now? What could go wrong???
A committee combs through every C&J before
publication to find and remove signs of intelligence.
You'll continue getting all those features that you've come to faithfully skim over the years, including the daily puppy pic, the weekly Rapture Index, the Thursday "Molly Ivins Moment," the Friday "Who Won the Week" poll, and the five-year flashbacks that remind us that Bush was even worse than we remember. Plus this year we're counting down the days Joe Lieberman has in office (127) and---best of all---we've added visual aids that illuminate the issues while proving I suck at captions, too!
Five years ago Kos was kind enough to set up PayPal accounts for both one-time donations and recurring monthly donations. I'm keeping my overall goal the same as last year. The monthly subscriptions are hugely helpful for minimizing the total needed during this "pledge week," so we're looking to raise $25k from the 500k+ of you. Here's the linkys:
One time contribution: click here.
$5 monthly contribution: click here
$10 monthly contribution: click here
$20 monthly contribution: click here
To send a donation via snail mail, the address is: Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
Every living president agrees: re-up
BiPM here so he doesn't poison the
rest of the American labor pool
To help reach the goal as quickly as possible so I can stop bugging you for another year, there will be occasional fundraising posts from Kossack volunteers this week. I have no idea what they're going to say, but I hope they don’t dwell on my awards, honoraria and life-saving exploits involving kittens, babies and Squirt, the giant city-swallowing wonder squid.
In conclusion, all I can do is quote Mitt Romney quoting Popeye---"I exist as the unique person-corporation to which I credit my existence, and that's the totality to which I credit my existence as a unique person-corporation, ladies and gentlemen, God bless you!"---and hope it paralyzes the common-sense lobe in your brain just long enough to elicit a generous donation. In all seriousness: thank you for supporting this strange little column. Much appreciated.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, September 10, 2012
Note: One day there's going to be a Simpson-Bowles statue on the National Mall. And the beltway media will weep blubbery tears of joy.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Autumnal Thingamanox: 12
Days 'til the Rockin' with Raptors Festival in Massachusetts: 12
Number of people now relying on food stamps in America: 46.7 million
(Source: Agriculture Dept.)
Amount by which Paul Ryan's budget would cut the food stamp program over ten years: $33 billion
Tweet rate during President Obama's convention speech, a record for a political event: 52,757 per minute
(Source: DNC)
Maximum amount Larry Flynt is offering for dirt on Mitt Romney's tax returns: $1 million
(Source: CNN)
Percent of Super Bowl (Feb. 3) ad slots that are sold out: 90%
(Source: USA Today)
Totally Random NFL Score
New England Patriots: 34 Tennessee Titans: 13
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NEW! "The President is Distant and Aloof and I Can PROVE it!"
I tell you the President is distant and aloof---here's proof!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend walkies…
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CHEERS to gravity defiance. First of all, let's give USA Today a round of applause for the best opening sentence of the year: "Forget the pundits." Shocking to hear they were wrong:
Obama's bounce went thataway!
[T]he president leads Republican challenger Mitt Romney by 5 percentage points in the Gallup Poll and by 4 points in the Reuters/Ipsos and Rasmussen polls. That reflected a swing of 4 to 7 points from their standing before the Democratic convention opened Tuesday.
The numbers mean absolutely nothing except momentary bragging rights, seeing as the challenger got a negative bounce---a dreaded "Ecnuob"---after his convention. Still, it always feels good to be able to start the week off with a hearty "Neener Neener!" So knock yourself out.
Oh, look! A Romney campaign yard sign!
CHEERS to exposing flip-flopping flip-floppers and the flips they flop. Thinking he's sticking to his principles, Mitt Romney's running mate Paul Ryan votes in 2011 for massive defense cuts---cuts that will take effect in January---as part of the so-called "sequestration" deal. Yesterday on
Meet the Press Mitt Romney said that anyone who voted for those defense cuts is
a blithering idiot, which
prompted Ryan to insist he was for them before he was against them. Not to be outdone, when asked about Obamacare, Mr. Romney said that he was against it before he was
for it before
he was against it. And then he landed in a Dixie cup filled with water. Impressive.
JEERS to idle hands and lots of 'em. The latest employment report is out, and a pathetic 96,000 jobs were created in August. Conclusions: 1) The uber-rich "job creators" really suck at their job of job creating, 2) Had President Obama's jobs bill been passed by Congress, things would be a helluva lot better, and 3) Republicans may not be committing treason through violence or conspiring with our enemies, but by deliberately choking off the creation of public-sector jobs---and praying that the suffering deepens as soon as possible---you have to wonder if the word applies from an economic point of view. I hate to do it, but they're officially off my Christmas card list. (And the Airing of Grievances during Festivus is gonna get ugly.)
P.S. Lest we forget, one year ago this week President Obama introduced the American Jobs Act. It was widely believed that it would reduce the unemployment rate by a full point, increase economic activity and ease the stress on the poor and middle class. The Republicans threw it in the trash the moment it hit their desk. Message: they care.
CHEERS to the leader of Arnie's Army. Happy 83rd birthday, Arnold Palmer, born in Latrobe, Pennsylvania in 1929. He won 4 Masters championships, a U.S. Open, and 2 British Opens. But that don't mean squat compared to his greatest achievement: being a shining example of the gentleman competitor. Oh, and this is still funny:
Ike and Arnie
1966 [F]or the first time in his life, Palmer’s plane is flown without him or his knowledge---pilot Darrell Brown flies it to Gettysburg to pick up President Dwight Eisenhower for a surprise visit. "I was oblivious to it all," Palmer says, "until I answered the door and found General Eisenhower standing there with an overnight bag. ‘Say, you wouldn’t have room to put up an old man for the night, would you?’ One of the nicest weekends of my life followed."
Extra points for his 45-year marriage, which lasted from 1954 until his wife passed away in 1999. And a few more points for being one of a vanishing breed known as a "Country Club Republican." In today's GOP, that's just a notch below "bleeding-heart liberal."
JEERS to playing the Newt Gingrich card. Congressman Joe Walsh (R-IL)---now a notorious and unrepentant deadbeat dad and ill-informed hothead---has a little message for Georgetown University student and defender of women's rights Sandra Fluke: "Go get a job!" Not reported was the rest of the sentence he quietly muttered under his breath: "…and please hire me when I lose mine in November."
CHEERS to something that's been long overdough. USA Today reports that the world finally has its first pizza museum:
"Did somebody say pizza?"
President Obama in Florida yesterday
[A] Philadelphia-based drummer and former film student is slicing into history with Pizza Brain a combination restaurant, ice cream shop and what the Guinness Book of World Records says is the largest repository of pizza-related memorabilia. … Pizza Brain is the brainchild of 27-year-old Brian Dwyer---who, notes NPR's All Things Considered, is "so into pizza that he has a tattoo on his back of a drawing of himself holding a slice and saying 'Totally Saucesome.'"
In addition to the little slices of history (some appeal to the upper crust, others are downright cheesy) on display, Dwyer says he's dedicated to serving up his food "in a socially, ethically and environmentally responsible fashion." Still, there will likely be the occasional pie fight. If you're inside and you hear somebody in the kitchen say, "Hey, you wanna pizza
me?!!" you might want to get your order to go.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 10, 2007
JEERS to the cost of staying the course. By remaining full-strength in Iraq through next July, the families of---[Pulls out calculator, multiplies 80 x 10]---at least 800 American soldiers will attend their loved ones' funerals. You and I will cough up another---[Pulls out calculator, multiplies 3 billion x 10]---300 billion dollars to keep it going. Having carefully weighed the pluses and minuses---[Throws calculator against the wall, throws computer against the wall, throws lamp against the wall, lifts house off of foundation and throws against the wall.]---I'm still a bit skeptical.
JEERS to heavy metal. A new report says Ludwig van Beethoven's demise at 57 may have been the result of lead poisoning. China quickly issued a statement: "Hey, don’t look at us!"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to homotelevisionality. Couple of promising gay-themed shows make their mark on the tube this week, starting with Wanda Sykes' LOGO-produced political special called NewNowNext Vote:
"I'm a black gay woman. I think the only way for the GOP to hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks."
And tomorrow is the premiere of NBC's "The New Normal" (
preview here), in which a gay couple hires a woman to bear a kid for 'em. Critics say it's one of the more promising new shows of the season. Meanwhile conservatives will keep the laughs comin' on Fox News. And make it look
sooooo easy.
Have a nice Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"We will preserve for our children this last best hope for man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into 1,000 years of Cheers and Jeers"
---Mrs. Chuck Norris
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