Look out, Letterman! Look out, Leno! Look out, Kimmel, Fallon and O'Brien! Chuckie Koch is moving in on your turf!
Who knew the guy had it in him?
Chuckie today pens an opinion piece in The Wall Street Journal titled (I kid you not), "Corporate Cronyism Harms America."
Stop it, Chuckie! Just the title alone is enough to make my sides sore from laughing! Oh my god... And it gets funnier!
It shouldn't surprise us that the role of American business is increasingly vilified or viewed with skepticism. In a Rasmussen poll conducted this year, 68% of voters said they "believe government and big business work together against the rest of us."Chuckie, knock it off! I swear, tears are streaming down my cheeks from laughing so goddamned hard! Are you pulling our legs with this shit? One half of the duo that has pumped half a billion dollars into the presidential election seeking to get their way on public policy and regulation?
I checked the calendar, Chuck! Today is not April Fools!
Far too many businesses have been all too eager to lobby for maintaining and increasing subsidies and mandates paid by taxpayers and consumers. This growing partnership between business and government is a destructive force, undermining not just our economy and our political system, but the very foundations of our culture.Someone make him stop! I can't catch my breath!
With partisan rhetoric on the rise this election season, it's important to remind ourselves of what the role of business in a free society really is—and even more important, what it is not."Partisan rhetoric on the rise?" Imagine that! Who would fund something so unseemly? Certainly not... Um... You're killin' me, Chuck!
Trouble begins whenever businesses take their eyes off the needs and wants of consumers—and instead cast longing glances on government and the favors it can bestow. When currying favor with Washington is seen as a much easier way to make money, businesses inevitably begin to compete with rivals in securing government largess, rather than in winning customers.Honestly, Chuck, I don't know how you wrote this without typos, given that you had to be laughing so goddamned hard that your hands were shaking. This is great stuff! You missed your calling! When Carson retired a generation ago, you could have stepped right in. I mean, Pat Sajak was a miserable failure, but you... You! You would've killed!
Oh, hang on... Now I see where you're going with this... You want the government to make sure your coal interests don't have any new competitors...
By subsidizing and mandating politically favored products in the energy sector (solar, wind and biofuels, some of which benefit Koch Industries), the government is pushing up energy prices for all of us—five times as much in the case of wind-generated electricity. And by putting resources to less-efficient use, cronyism actually kills jobs rather than creating them.Comedy with a point! Love it!
Whatever form these privileges take, Americans are rightly suspicious of the cronyism that substitutes political influence for free markets.The only thing missing is you naming names, Chuckie! Name those evil corporate puppet masters who seek political influence! Let it all hang out, Chuck!
To end cronyism we must end government's ability to dole out favors and rig the market. Far too many well-connected businesses are feeding at the federal trough. By addressing corporate welfare as well as other forms of welfare, we would add a whole new level of understanding to the notion of entitlement reform.I finally get it. This is a put-on! You're playing us with your clever satire!
I fell for it, Chuck. I thought you were serious. Good lord, you had me.
Great, great stuff. I hope Lorne Michaels reads your piece. You should get a guest host slot on SNL as soon as the new season starts up.
Who knew you were so goddamned funny? Is your brother, Dave, as funny as you are? If so, you two could very well be the best comedy team since Martin & Lewis.
Oh my god... I'm finally catching my breath... Too much... Too much...