That is the only logical explanation. That's right, I've figured it out, and Mitt Romney's campaign is actually the most epic comedy act in human history. I've been putting the pieces together for months, ever since I first heard about Rafalca and thought that it couldn't possibly be true. Some may call it a conspiracy theory, but I think that the "Birther" conspiracy is actually just a red herring to distract people from learning the REAL truth.
Details after the Mark of the Orange Satan...
After all, what's more likely?
That the Republicans would actually nominate a person who profited from an investment in a company that disposed of aborted fetuses, who can't help but insult anyone who he comes in contact with, who pointedly refuses to release his tax returns while admitting to offshore accounts in tax havens, who says things like "Corporations are People, My Friend" and "I like firing people" and "some of my best friends own sports teams", who publishes an Op-Ed that we should let the American automakers go bankrupt and tries to get a zoning variation for a car elevator while proposing to cut social programs and give himself even greater tax cuts?
Whose very claim to the nomination was his business experience taking over companies, loading them with debt, and then firing the employees and driving the companies out of business while paying himself huge "management fees" for doing so?
That the Republicans would actually nominate a candidate whose wife talked about the days when Mitt was poor because they had to live off his inherited stock after he finished Harvard, who talks about understanding how women struggle because their taxes are too high, and who claimed a tax credit for her Dressage horse which competed in the Olympics (in the middle of the campaign!!), and who admitted on national television that she and Mitt will not release their tax returns because they provide too much ammunition for the Democrats and because "We’ve given all you people need to know…"?
That the Republican nominee hires a campaign team that compares him to an "Etch a Sketch", that flatly admits that they will not let their campaign be dictated by fact checkers, that demands retractions from the press for true statements, that refuses to release any policy details because voters should just "trust them" even though they have been repeatedly caught in outright lies that even Fox News can't ignore, that adds Paul Ryan as VP even though his signature economic plan is both tremendously unpopular in key swing states and can be easily disproven by anyone with a calculator, and that caps off the nominating convention by having an old man argue with a chair?
That the Republican Party would nominate someone so stereotypically uncaring and evil that he is beyond satire? I mean, writers for the Simpsons would reject a joke about the Mr. Burns driving his family across the country with his terrified dog on the roof the entire time, but the actual Republican candidate for President did?
Isn't it more believable that Andy Kaufman hatched this scheme 30 years ago, faked his own death, went into seclusion and had multiple plastic surgeries to look the part, and has spent the past 20 years slowly working his way up the Republican political establishment while performing an unending satirical performance art piece? That he and a few key members of his comedy troupe (Ann has been especially brilliant as the tone-deaf spouse, as have "Mitt's school friends" who talked about him bullying other kids) have spent years and millions of dollars making an exquisite statement not only on Conservatism itself, but also on the nature of hypocrisy, identity politics, and the role of class in 21st century America and the gaps in the Capitalist system?
When you look at the evidence, the answer is obvious.
To Andy/Mitt…
A brilliant performance, Sir. Truly Swiftian in nature and the only possible thing that could ever have topped your legendary wrestling characters from the early 80s. Bravo!
The only thing that kind of spoils the joke is the idea that your character might actually be elected, because that might push the joke a bit too far. I mean, if you ran for Prime Minister of New Zealand, I could just relax and enjoy the gags on Facebook, but then again, I guess that discomfort is part of what makes it truly funny.
I've truly enjoyed "Republican Performance Art" during the campaign, but I think that four years of cutting social spending to reduce taxes for the 1%, while forcing the middle class to pay more in lost tax credits, and repealing the medical program that reduces their costs (that you yourself initially created!!! I'm crying I'm laughing so hard) would be too much to take. When you add in the chance that you'll nominate other members of your troupe to the Supreme Court and maybe declare war on Iran, I think the joke has about run its course.
See you at the front of the line for "Corporation in the Moon"!
Your Biggest Fan,
Danananan
Re-elect President Obama. It's no laughing matter.