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Say it ain't so, Joe
Not even the promise of crooner Pat Boone singing oldies from a spinning stage could save what was intended to be the premier birther event of the year later this month in Arizona.

Organizers of the gala, which would have featured Boone alongside Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio and some of the nation’s other prominent conspiracy theorists, broke the news online Friday that it was canceled “due to inadequate ticket sales.”

I don't know how to feel right now. On one hand, it's nice to see that there may be a limit to how many people are still willing to be fleeced by Joe Arpaio and his conspiracy-for-profit investibators. On the other hand, I was going to go to this thing, reporting for Daily Kos. It was going to be a thing, and they just ruined our thing! The Celebrity Theatre has a rotating stage, thus making anything you hear there at least three hundred and fifty nine extra degrees of awesome, and the Sheriff Joe plus Pat Boone combination held the definite possibility of making that thing spin like a top. All for a ticket price of a mere $10, or $25 if you wanted to include an additional "light snack plus more talking to crazy people" option afterwards.

In all likelihood, the problem was that the only people going to Sheriff Joe's Tea Party Conspiracy-O-Rama and Spinning Crackpot Emporium were going to be reporters and other people who were just going there to laugh at him. And, surprisingly, that's still not enough to fill a theater (or a theatre, as the case may be), so the whole thing's called off.

But there are other theories for the cancellation, too. Dark, sinister theories:

One theory could be found on the Facebook page of Linda Bentley, an Arizona tea party activist who had been promoting the event. A visitor to her page wrote that it had been doomed because Arpaio was unwilling to take his probe even further and investigate the president for murder.

“The REASON the EVENT by Sheriff Joe & his Cold Case POSSE was CANCELLED is because the Sheriff & others are TOO DUMB to SEE the MURDERS Barack Obama had his Security Adviser John Brennan commit on Obama’s Gay Lovers in Chicago,” the visitor wrote.

See now, I honestly can't tell if that person is being serious or is just funning—that's what's so great about the Arizona Tea Party crowd. It's impossible to tell. Either way, though, I can't believe they've called it off—so that's it, Sheriff Joe. I was on the fence before, but for canceling the best fun any of us would have all month, you are a bad person. Plus, I was hoping you would bring your crime-fighting tank.

Originally posted to Daily Kos on Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 05:30 PM PDT.

Also republished by Baja Arizona Kossacks.

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