In a bold move, Mitt Romney has proposed strict new national security measures far beyond his Democratic rival. Coming out of a surprisingly detail-sparse Republican national convention, the move caught many political observers by surprise.
Mitt Romney cackled before a selected captive audience of journalists just before unveiling a critical portion of his agenda for Washington DC. He outlined his plans in the future, should he be elected:
Once I am in office, I will work to ensure that the United States government will never again be threatened by the scourge of terrorism. I have gone to great lengths to procure a sizeable, secure location somewhere in either the Atlantic or Pacific ocean. For security reasons, I can tell you nothing except that it is a volcanic island shrouded from satellite view and not found on any map.
Once I am rightly secured in my place as President, I will begin to transmit all important government operations of the United States to this undisclosed location, starting with the White House itself. Using the 'Qage', I will accomplish this at a fraction of the cost that it would take a legion of black helicopters to lift Washington DC to its new location.
Between bursts of giddy laughter, Mitt Romney then went on to describe his Qage device, starting with an explanation of the acronym (Quantum Anti-Gravity Emancipator, for those who may be curious). A video of the Qage was then provided showing a glowing purple, crystalline object hovering in mid-air and apparently lifting the Arc De Triomphe over the ocean into an unidentified American estate. Later, it was clarified by a Romney campaign staffer that the video was not depicting the monument that has been missing from Paris for over a week.
The hopeful presidential candidate then went on to outline his plans for the use of the Qage, with the White House scheduled to be moved by late February 2013, the Pentagon by July 2013. The final building scheduled to be moved will be the Lincoln Memorial in October of 2016.
Although many monuments are scheduled to be moved, notably, the United States Capitol Building and the Supreme Court Building are not yet on the list. When asked about it in the questions (and oddly, answers) segment of the press conference, Romney replied with a charming smirk, "Those buildings are unimportant, and they'd probably be hard to move anyway."
Towards the end of the conference, the Republican Presidential candidate explained that the empty land left behind from the movement of the buildings could be sold at a huge profit, which could then be leveraged to pay down the debt, or more importantly provide tax relief to today's hard working inventors.
One journalist speculated aloud over whether or not the undisclosed island was owned by Mitt Romney. After asking if the federal government would then rent the land from the Presidential candidate, Romney replied, "No comment." The questioner was then led away by an anonymous team of campaign staffers to an undisclosed location. The name of the journalist has not yet been released.
Romney Campaign Manager Matt Rhoades spoke briefly to the press after the event, looking relieved and in good spirits.
Now that Mitt Romney is ready to speak publicly about his plans, we will turn a new corner in this campaign. Now people will stop these foolish notions that he has been non-specific because he has something to hide.